Not sure if this counts as anxiety, but it may. (Warning: 7 Paragraphs)
I live with my mother and my two older brothers. I've been on unpaid leave from my job at the post office for almost a year, now, due to falling down in the middle of a panic attack back in October. I bought a dish rack over a month ago because our 20-year-old dishwasher finally broke and stopped working. My mom has this stupid controlling thing about anybody other than her adding anything to the house, and my older brother warned me not to buy it because she'll try to throw it away whenever she gets the chance. We finally got the new dishwasher late last month, and a few days ago, she said that I should be using the dishwasher instead of washing things by hand, even though the dishwasher doesn't fit properly where it was installed, and, as is, the door is too long, it hits the fridge nearby, so it can't go down all the way, and the wash cycles are super-long (like, 3 hours plus). This morning, she stacked it on top of the refrigerator inside of a container and put dirty boxes inside of it without telling me, and I guess I freaked out, because I knew this was her getting ready to toss it, and I got mad, and I said that I was going to put it back, and that if she puts it in the garage or throws it away, I'll just buy another one. I washed it, and went to place it back, and Mom went to try to pull it away and put it away again, but I grabbed it before she could, and she just went upstairs, saying that I needed to not put it back there. She kept claiming that it was taking up space in the kitchen, versus a mat that's always there that takes up just as much space, and is actually where the rack stayed on top of, and is actually always there, has been for years now, on the counter. I liked the rack because it made washing pots and Tupperware easy -- otherwise, I'd just leave them in the sink while I'd load the other dishes. It made the housework easier, but all because my mother doesn't like it...
I had my car note and credit card bill due today, and she hadn't lent me the money, and after our confrontation, she wasn't likely to, so I just threw the dish rack outside into the yard, since I figured if anyone's ruining it, it'll be me. I was crying while getting ready to go to the bank. I had to cash-advance withdraw from my credit card again to pay my car note and then, pay the minimum payment back on the card. Meanwhile, I unplugged the TV and satellite DVR in the living room out of anger. Mom and my oldest brother didn't find this out until they came home and found out that the cable wasn't working. My oldest brother kept asking over and over again why was the TV unplugged. I lied a few times, saying I didn't do it, knowing that he was just going to yell at me and call me childish once I admitted the truth, and sure enough...
My older brother got dragged into it, and he told me that I shouldn't have bought the dish rack because he warned me Mom would do this, and that I should've gotten her consent. (She would've said no if I had.). Mom got mad at him for pretty much making her look bad. He confronted her over how she used his old apartment's mixing bowls to catch dirty water and threw some of his stuff away without his knowing years ago, when he moved back in, so this is what she does.
Last thing Mom told me tonight was that she's going to look for an apartment on Monday, and we can pay the mortgage ourselves. She said she's nearly 70, and she's too old to deal with our stressing her out. She doesn't have good enough credit to do it, but, heh... My older brother is mad at me now because he was relying on us to stay sane until he can get promoted at work and eventually move back out. My oldest brother and she were claiming that I'm capable of wielding a knife on somebody or switching people's meds when she's 80, all because I unplugged the TV and DVR and lied about it.
If I had friends, it would be easy to think about finding a place to stay, but I really don't. All I have is one nice person at work who invited me to her bridal shower that I had to skip today, and I have my high school friend who watches superhero movies at the theater with me (he offers to pay, and I lend him money now and then, but not recently, not since the start of my leave status, as gratitude), and boards at somebody's house. Mom was comparing me to him, BTW, saying that she's been "carrying" me since October, while he doesn't have a family home right now, and look at me..
I don't have any control over anything in the house, and I'm not really allowed to contribute to anything beyond maybe groceries, and she complains about me spending on that, but then, she'll go and buy junk food or just stuff she only eats, like stuff to use the juicer with, and she makes me help her bring it in, bring in food no one wants. She might buy ramen, and she'll buy veggie burgers, but no bread to eat it with, little things like that, so me, not working, might have to run to the store and buy supplements to what she bought, even though she's the one with a salary, I'm the one not working. My brothers won't buy food because my oldest brother just buys bagels, pies, and cakes, even though Mom's been trying to lose weight forever, and my older brother has toxic student loans and a high-interest car loan to pay off, so he says he has no real free money. No one really values my opinion, they want me to hear them complain about whatever happened at work or with their friends, but whenever I bring up work, Mom starts trying to pivot the conversation towards me getting another job or going back to school, and my brothers will tell me it's practically my fault for staying at my job because I "can do better." It took me years to get my job, because it took me a long time to get a driver's license (only been driving for five years, and I'm in my 30s), and it took me a long time to find a job that didn't use online personality tests or require experience. Post office were the only people who would hire me. My mom actually forced me to quit my last job on my second work night because she didn't like having to pick me up late at night, even though it was the only job I had ever had in about four years, at that point. It was her idea for me to work there, in the first place, and then, she decides I "can do better," that I "don't need this."
I'm wondering if this is a symptom of some sort of anxiety or obsessive behavior disorder, because my temper has always flared up like this for years, and it's hard to control it. Either I start breaking things or I start hurting myself in some way. Last time, out of stress, a week before I was made to break from work, I cut off my hair, and Mom had to help make it more neat. But my family always reacts by calling me a brat or calling me crazy. They wonder why I'm destructive, and I say, it's because no one listens to me or cares about what I have to say. They always undermine my feelings and make me feel like I overreact over nothing, whether it's major or minor.
What do you think?
Submitted July 16, 2017 at 11:20AM by gobbygob84 http://ift.tt/2vq3n7D Anxiety
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