scene opens focused on the peephole of an off white door.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
the door opens up from the inside to reveal Jimmy Chonga Junior standing at the top of the stairs of what appears to be an open air condominium carrying a giant cardboard box.
JIMMY CHONGA JR: ¡Hola!
the camera turns to reveal Erik Von Jarrett in sandals, a t-shirt and shorts, dumbfounded.
ERIK VON JARRETT: Uhh... hola? Jimmy, what are you doing here?
JIMMY JR: (gesturing behind himself with his head) Helping Vic.
*Jimmy Jr. muscles passed EVJ and strolls right into the apartment. EVJ stares off after him before turning his attention towards "Vile" Vic Studd leaning against the railing outside, stunner shades on, smoking a cigarette.
"VILE" VIC STUDD: VeeJay! I am SO PUMPED!
Vic sticks his cig in his mouth and claps his hands together. He gives EVJ a big hug, shoving his cigarette right in Von Jarrett's face.
EVJ: (coughing) Vic.. what the..
STUDD: Heeey. This place is TITS.
Vic moves EVJ aside, making sure to wipe some cigarette ash of his shoulder and starts inspecting Erik's humble condo. Nice and clean and orderly, yet it feels lived in. Very comfortable... the kinda place a chick would let her guard down. Feel at ease.
EVJ: Hey hey! No smoking in the house Vic, come on.
STUDD:* Got it.
Vic flicks the cigarette over the counter into the kitchen sink as Erik bites his lip. He decides to opens his mouth to say something as Vic moves towards the kitchen. In walks Jimmy Chonga Senior carrying a milk crate filled with various hard alcohols, bags of pills and a cheap plastic bong under his left arm and a disturbingly life like sex doll over his right shoulder.
JIMMY CHONGA SR: Discúlpeme, Erik.
Erik spins around as Jimmy Chonga squeezes passed him to see Jimmy Junior standing in the middle of the living room with the giant cardboard box in his arm looking around confused. EVJ opens his mouth to speak again.
EVJ: Wha-
JIMMY JR: Mister Vic, where do you want your stuff?
Vic is standing in the nearby kitchen his head poking around inside EVJ's refrigerator.
STUDD: Just drop it anywhere.
Jimmy Junior drops the cardboard box on top of EVJ's coffee table knocking over a couple empty bottles of beer from the impact and barely missing EVJ's lap top. Von Jarrett sprints over to the table and picks up the bottles and makes sure his computer is okay.
EVJ: Hey! Guys! What the fuck? Vic, what are you doing here?
Vic stands up straight holding a bottle of Killian's Irish Red and cracks it open with his lighter. He hooks his foot around the door of the fridge and slams it shut as he strolls towards EVJ, wincing for his lovely refrigerator.
STUDD: I thought we had an agreement. Remember? Couple nights ago in Oakland?
EVJ motions for Vic to come closer and keep his voice down as Los Chongas head back out to grab more of Vic's stuff.
EVJ: (in a hushed voice) Keep that on the down low man.
STUDD: Umm... I'm pretty sure everyone knows we tagged those rhinos. Especially Jimmy.
EVJ: Obviously. But they don't know... wait. What does Jimmy know?
STUDD: Everything. He WAS there.
EVJ: What!? He wasn't... wait a minute. God damn it. You said that blinking red light out the window was a radio tower.
STUDD: It was! Jimmy was in the closet.
EVJ rubs his temples in frustration.
EVJ: Please tell me you didn't tell anyone else.
STUDD: Of course not.
EVJ: Thank God.
STUDD: I didn't have to. Posted it on PornHub the other day.
EVJ: YOU WHAT!?
Von Jarrett sits down on the couch and opens his lap top and begins pounding away furiously on the keys.
STUDD: VeeJay, don't worry about it. You can't even tell it was us. I had Robbie Warlock photo shop Paisner and Woodbridge's faces over ours. You know, you'd be surprised how many guys in the back can use photo shop. He was the only one willing to sit through the entire thing to get it done though. And I thought I had endurance.
Vic smiles and nudges EVJ's shoulder with his elbow. Vic parks himself right next to EVJ on his sofa as EVJ stops typing and holds his hands over his face trying to figure a way out of this.
EVJ: You mentioned an agreement. Remind me what that was again?
STUDD: You don't remember? When we were givin' Jade the old Tom & Jerry routine? That's a sacred pact brother. Or should I say... Eskimo brother? Nah. Fuck that. INUIT POON WARRIORS.
EVJ sighs deeply and face palms.
EVJ: I'm having a hard time seeing how double penetration is a sacred pact.
STUDD: We're a tag team, brother. In every sense of the word.
EVJ stands up and rubs his fingers through his hair trying to process this. He walks over to his kitchen and grabs a Killian's Irish Red himself. He leans over the sink and picks out Vic's cigarette from earlier and tosses it in the trash.
EVJ: Yes. We're a tag team. That doesn't explain why you're moving all your shit into my condo.
STUDD: That's how the successful tag teams do it. They must be INSEPARABLE. Be able to predict one another's every move inside the ring. Read each other's fuckin' minds. This will be the quickest and most entertaining way to achieve that. Trust me. I was a two-time tag team champion back in Real American Wrestling with Fukoyu Azhodai.
Vic chuckles to himself, still unable to say Fukoyu Azhodai's name with a straight face.
EVJ: You mean when you rode one of the most talented Japanese wrestlers to ever make the jump to the big leagues into the ground and made him into a walking punch line while you pretended to translate for him. What'd you call yourselves again?
STUDD: Radiation & Masturbation. You know, like Hiroshima. We were fucking OVER.
EVJ walks back into the living room shaking his head. And grabs a chair and pulls it up across the coffee table from where Vic is seated.
EVJ: Sure. And then he got thrown in Riker's because of an incident involving a Little League baseball team and a goat. I used to read the dirt sheets. You're not painting a very pretty picture for me as your partner, Vic.
STUDD: VeeJay, hear me out. All the great teams shack up together. Hell, I don't even have to look far to find an example. Bruce and Gwen. Former WiR Tag Team Champs right there.
EVJ: That's totally different. They're relationship is.... complicated. But sexy.
STUDD: Fine. What about our current Tag Team Champions, The Tap Out Kings, hmm?
Von Jarrett takes a swig of his beer and shakes his head.
EVJ: Vic, obviously they are-
Erik stops and notices Vic leaning forward listening intently.
EVJ: You know what. Nevermind. Look dude, I am stoked we've found this partnership. I really am. But... I don't think moving in together is going to necessarily help us gel. You feel me?
Vic shakes his head in disappointment.
STUDD: Allow me to let you in on a little secret. A little rule I try and live by: If no one comes back from the future and tries to stop you, then it can't be that bad of a decision.
Vic holds his hands out and smiles as if he has just won the argument with pure, scientific logic.
EVJ: That doesn't make any sense. Even if time travel was possible, why the fuck would anyone come back in time and stop you from moving in with me?
STUDD: Number 1: Back to the Future. So yes, it is possible. And Number 2: Butterfly Effect. Vic Studd is an important cog in this universe. Potentially, every endeavor I go on has intergalactic consequences depending on the outcome.
EVJ takes a big gulp of his beer and holds his head down between his legs for a moment before popping back up with an idea.
EVJ: All right, Vic. Then I'm from the future. I've been sent back in time to stop this move from ever happening. Through countless hours of combing through the ancient archives we have determined that this was the very moment where humanity lost its war against the... BEES.
STUDD: Bullshit. What bees?
EVJ: There's a hive underneath this house. You're going to find it and destroy it within a week of moving in here. A single bee will survive. This will serve as the catalyst for a war that has raged between man and insect for centuries.
Vic's eyes narrow as he studies Erik.
STUDD: Okay. Well then if you're from the future... what's in that box?
Erik glances at the box out of the corner of his eye.
EVJ: Porn.
STUDD: DAMN IT!
Vic punches the box in frustration.
STUDD: What else!?
EVJ shakes his head and rolls his eyes.
EVJ: Vic, come on. Seriously? I dunno... trash.
Vic stands up off the sofa and kicks the cardboard box over causing dozens of porno DVDs and VHS tapes to come spilling out, exciting titles such as "Gulliver Travels Up Your Ass" and "Really Short Lesbians". Along with quite a few books scattered among the mix.
STUDD: THE STAR WARS EXPANDED UNIVERSE IS NOT TRASH! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! It was Disney! They fucking retconned everything... all my books... meaningless. As if thousands of stories suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced...
EVJ: Oh for fuck's sake. Vic, I'm not from the future. I just don't... you know what? Fine. Fine. We'll give it a shot. You may be onto something about tag team success and cohabitation. I bet Paisner gets off on it or something.
Vic fists pumps and raises his beer towards Erik Von Jarrett. EVJ clinks the bottom of Vic's beer with his and they drink.
EVJ: But first we got to lay down some ground rules. First, no more videotaping me having sex.
STUDD: Done. That crack about your endurance was not a compliment by the way.
EVJ: Excuse me?
STUDD: Your style in the bedroom. It doesn't translate well to film is all.
Erik shakes his head in disbelief.
EVJ: Well maybe if I knew I was being filmed I would... damn it. Just, no recording ANYTHING, okay? Its creepy. Second, no smoking in the house. Do it on the patio.
Vic furls his lip in disgust and takes a swig of his beer.
STUDD: What about "Lucifer's Cabbage"?
EVJ: That's fine.
Vic gives another healthy fist pump.
EVJ: See? We can do this. We can compromise. You know, I don't think it takes a man from the future to realize that there is definitely tag team gold for us on the horizon.
Vic stands up, overcome with joy.
STUDD: What do you say we let the Chongas move the rest of my shit in. And we go out, grab some beers, find a couple juicy thick cut brown skinned rib eyes and have a conversation on the creation of the Constitution of the Nation of Miscegenation.
EVJ: Groovy.
EVJ grabs a hoodie and zips it up while Vic chugs the rest of his beer. Vic pretends to slam the beer on the ground to get a rise out of Erik before winking at him and throwing it over his shoulder out an open window.
LITTLE GIRL: (from outside) Ahhh! Mommy!
STUDD: Oh shit. Lets go!
EVJ: God damn it.
Vic heads for the door and EVJ is left standing speechless before he decides its best to just leave the scene of the crime and follow Vic. The two men run down the stairs down to EVJ's car, passed Los Chongas carrying the rest of Vic's stuff. Which appear to be two more giant boxes of what we are to assume is porn.
STUDD: Careful with my shit, all right guys? Don't do anything I wouldn't do. It'd probably be lame.
Vic and EVJ get into Erik's 1970 Chevy El Camino SS and fire it up. As a concerned mother with a crying child rounds the corner of the condo complex to see Los Chongas moving into the condo from whence the errant beer bottle was thrown.
EVJ: You love fucking with them don't you?
STUDD: SO much. Hey, you weren't serious about that bee hive, were you?
scene fades to black.
Submitted October 16, 2014 at 11:05AM by neutronknows http://ift.tt/1rwKS7j wrestlingisreddit
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