This happened last night: Having traveled over 3000 miles across country, my wife and I decided to order some take out to be first meal in our new home because at this point we do not have any furniture or kitchenware that isn't trapped inside a cardboard sarcophagus . We had eaten pizza recently during our cross country trip, so Chinese was the obvious choice. After bringing home some food from a local restaurant I loaded up my plate with some potstickers, sesame chicken, and Szechuan beef. Suddenly I realized I needed some Sriracha to make this meal perfect.
I remembered that I had a new bottle squirreled away somewhere and saw that my mother-in-law (who was helping us unpack) had placed it in our pantry. I hurried to grab the bottle as I anticipated how delicious my meal was going to be. After unscrewing the cap I noticed some residue, which is not normal for a sealed bottle. I decided it was a good idea to investigate this issue instead of ignoring it and moving forward. I squeezed the bottle and heard the sound of air coming from somewhere. Thinking this was strange, I started to squeeze again (like an idiot) only to break the seal....
The sound of the "pop" when the (not-so) air tight seal failed was deafening. I tried to prepare as felt cock sauce spray all over my face. There was a one second delay as my brain tried to process what was going on before my face, eyes, and nostrils burst into garlicky flames. I realized in horror what I had done as panic started to take hold. The only way I can describe the pain is to quote Johnny Knoxville: "I feel like my eyes have gonorrhea!"
Sadly I had no milk to pour on my face because our refrigerator only had beer and soda in it so I settled for stripping my clothes and jumping into the shower to rinse this delicious lava off my face. I thought that it was only my eyes feeling the brunt of the cock sauce attack, but my runny nose caused me to snort up some of the chili sauce into my nostrils thus increasing my pain and discomfort.
As tears, snot, and Sriracha ran down my face, my wife (who is a nurse) gave me the best advice she could in order to mitigate the intense pain I felt and eventually I was able to function. I rinsed what was left of the Sriracha and my dignity down the drain, and at this point I was happy to have my Chinese food sans Sriracha.
Tl;dr: I received a Sriracha facial. It feels as bad as it sounds.
Submitted September 30, 2014 at 07:48AM by 8upsoupsandwich http://ift.tt/1vshNyQ tifu
