*Throwaway account..Been lurking Reddit for years now. Hopefully someone can shed some kind of advice. Might be a long one here guys..let's see how much I can spill out/rememeber
I've been legitimately with her for going on 4 years now, on and off really for 9 years of knowing her. Dated in high school. I was goo goo gah gah in love with her at the time, head over heels in love, her looks, the attention she gave me, I loved every minute with her. Didn't see what she saw in me
Lost my virginity to her junior year, she already had sex with a couple guys, I never asked how many(still never have), I didn't care, about her past. I was just never the type to ask questions that I knew were uncomfortable for people and I just know it's a question that many people lie about, so the answer didn't matter to me. I just liked her for who she was. it was only a couple months of talking until we had sex, I wasn't complaining though. I was 16, lost my virginity, and was having sex with this cute blonde on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis.
Little did I know, she already had a boyfriend or some dude she was talking to already, during all this. He was From the other high school in town. It's summer vacation after junior year and I'm visiting family out of state and I get a call from an unknown number on my super awesome Nokia flip phone. It's him, cussing me out saying he knows everything, he's gonna kick my yeah yeah yeah...whatever. I call her, she tells me to lie and tell him that alll we did was kiss. And that she just wants to be with me since she met me. Red flag?
Fast forward to senior year...ohhh high school just all of it was awful....senior year we're together, been together since the summer cuz you know, I didn't think that was enough of a wake up call about who she really is. We're having fun, I had a sweet job for a highschool kid and worked nights. My Parents were never...sure of her since the first time they met. I never really had girls around the house so this time felt special when I introduced my family to her. But still, even after they met her a few times, I knew they didn't like her. But I couldn't listen to them, they were my parents, I lived to rebel. I had a girlfriend, a job, a car, it was the most freedom I've ever felt and the most I'm ever going to feel period. Oh boy how I regret not listening them from the start. But we'll talk about regrets later.
We never used protection, she always assured me she was on birth control and that it always worked. But what was I to think about CREATING A CHILD, I was a virgin shortly before this, she said nothing would happen, I believed her, sex feels awesome so why wear a condom. I'll never forget the heart wrenching day she told me she was pregnant(1)
I cried. Lost it. Not in anger but in sadness. My parents are going to disown me, I'm going to be the only 16 year old in town with a kid, not going to finish high school...my mind just raced and raced and raced. She already had told her mom and her mom (her parents divorced) already convinced her to get an abortion. Rough. I didn't know what to think. I just tried to be there for her after, in any way I can. I felt responsible and guilty....so guilty. But this was the time where she wanted to end it with me. I was ignored, pushed away. I got the message, but I didn't understand why she didn't want to be with me or have me help her. Confused and angry, was the rest of my senior year...But it all passed...slowly. A lot of weird, awkward conversations. She had another 2 or 3 boyfriends,who knows, and kept ignoring me at school like I didn't exist. So finally school was over. She moved over an hour away and I stayed in my hometown doing my thing, community college and work.
We start talking again. She's so apologetic about high school. She missed me, wants me, I'm the only one for her. Those feelings for her were still there, and strong. It was hard because I was seeing a couple girls of my own, still trying to understand...girls really. But I couldn't say no...it was either keep talking to her or forget her from my life completely, and just thinking about forgetting her that made me feel like an awful person. We started seeing eachother, she would come down or I would go see her. More Sex....again, still only have had sex with her.
She eventually moved back here, worked something out with her school and transferred back here. Still I didn't really come to a decision if I wanted her. She was understanding because she felt guilty about her not talking to me in higschool. I was talking to 2 other girls and just trying to figure things out. I would go see her at her apartment, we would go places, hang out, have sex just doing the normal.
One day she calls me saying she needs me to pick her up and take her home. Already, I'm curious. She's never done something like this. I go pick her up at a local shopping center, she seemed off. Really appreciative of picking her up, saying she really misses me and what we had...yada yada. I pull into her apartment complex and I see him. Drive right past him as I left. I recognized him from her social media when she lived away from me. SHe dated him for around a year. But wait, she told me they broke up, she says I'm the only one for her. I ask her about it shortly after i dropped her off in text. She assures me he was just coming to give her some stuff back and she was giving him stuff back and drama occurred between the two of them. She tells me she regrets ever leaving me, she says she purposely dated guys who looked like me. She has this empty feeling now ever since she got an abortion, she wants me, forever. She wants kids. A family. Now. Red flag?
Well we continue seeing eachother, (what the fuck is wrong with me?) having sex, and one day were hanging out she tells me she stopped taking her birth control. She thinks it's making her feel funny and doesn't want to be taking hormone "substances" but assures me she isn't within her "cycle" we can still have sex. You can all guess what happens next, she's pregnant(2)
It's just panic now. I'm 20 yrs old at this point and I have no clue how to tell my parents. The people who I've relied on, trusted, they weren't the type of parents that I could tell "anything" too. I never got the best grades in school, just wanted to work on cars like my dad. Tried doing the college thing to show them I wanted a successful life just as much as they did. I waited. And waited and waited and waited to tell them she was pregnant. We already planned at this point to get an apartment, her mom was going to move back into town into her own place. She was 5 months pregnant when I finally came to my parents. They didn't even know I was seeing her, because I knew they still didn't approve of her. I came to them confident saying look, I made a mistake, this is what happened. The logical thing for us to do at this point is to move into our own place, (her Mom covered rent, we payed everything else) My parents acted as they should have, anger. Angry I didn't tell them sooner, angry I didn't expect them to help, angry that I'm moving out of the house at 20 yrs old with 2 part time jobs.
It was just..embarrassing. The day I moved out, neighbors I grew up with for the past 15 years questioning where I'm going. I couldn't tell them the truth, an unplanned baby, not married, still a kid basically, it was all embarrassing. Fighting occurred between my dad and I, my dad and her. My moms crying. I just couldn't take it. I'm caught in the middle, my dad is angry I'm leaving the house when they have room for us. It was obvious that she wanted nothing to do with them, she would never want to live with my parents. She knew they "didn't like her". But in reality I'm their son and they will always love me and who I love. She never accepted that.
We move in together, it was rough at first because I've never lived with a girlfriend, just a few overnighters. I had been living at home enjoying home cooked meals and being with my family. So this was all new to me. Yeah we fought, it seemed all normal though, how else are we supposed to react to being so young and dumb. Out comes my son, couple months later and I'm just in awe. I created that. This cute little boy is mine, and will always be mine. I loved the first year watching him grow. I worked most nights so it was nice being with them all day and taking off at night to go work. Come home really late, feed the baby. It all worked out. I learned so much, about newborns, being a dad, it actually felt great. I was feeling less stressed. I felt like I could do this. I learned to cook, mostly on my own. Something I NEVER did, my mom was sort of old school and would make dinner every night.
My parents didn't come around a lot, even though we lived a short 10 minute drive away. They felt...threatened by her. She never talked to them. Never wanted to go see them. So they usually came around whenever I was alone with him and she was at work. We would have dinner at their house every once in awhile. At the time it felt ok, my parents were giving us space, but still showing that they cared about us. But the more I think about it I just pushed them away.
My son was probably 6 months old when I came home from work one day and there was a Shepard puppy on the couch. She was talking about how bad she wanted a dog, she had one at her apartment but got rid of it when she found out she was pregnant...but we never agreed upon anything because I thought it was clear our son was put first before anything. I thought it was clear that we are struggling money wise. I never had a dog growing up, or any pets rather. But I was somewhat excited to have my first puppy. Her mom obviously didn't approve because she was the one paying rent at our place. But soon her mom got over it because that's just how her daughter has always been.
My son was a little over 1 yrs old when her mom needed to move back north for her work. (Her Mom is never good with money) so we had to go move in with her. She made it seem like it was our only option. Even though she was going to commute over 2 hours round trip for her school. Even though my parents have a big house, with plenty of room. I had to quit my jobs, find my career fast and provide, that's all I could think about. We didn't pay rent, her mom wanted us to try and save some money, that's fine, great, because we haven't been able to save money. So we did that for about 6 months, saved and kept the refrigerator stocked. I landed a great job, exactly what I wanted to do. The pay wasn't the best but I was inexperienced and grateful to start somewhere.
I get a message on social media one day from a guy, didn't recognize him at first but once I clicked his pictures I knew who he was. The ex boyfriend from her apartment in my hometown. He starts telling me that she's been messaging him about me(apparently unhappy about something I don't remember)and he wanted to let me know that she was messaging him. Apparently there's more to their story that I didn't know about. They didn't leave on good terms at all. She scared him away with all that family and having kids talk. Then when they would argue, she would apparently come hang out with me. I was confused, how could she come hang out with me? Weren't you guys living up north? He says oh she didn't tell you? When she moved back to your hometown at the apartment, it wasn't just her, ME and her were living together at that apartment. I was floored...I didn't know what to think. He goes on to say, she only switched schools, moved back there to be closer to you. I didn't know what to think. She wanted to get pregnant with him, then we ended up getting pregnant, IN THE APARTMENT SHE WAS LIVING WITH HIM IN. The confrontation between me and her about this whole thing didn't go well. Since I was usually the one apologizing and feeling guilty during our fights, the tables had turned. But I couldn't deal with it, she was apologetic, sobbing, and I forgave her..(what the FUCK) I just thought I'm never going to find someone who cares this much about me..ever. We have a son and this family needs to work..Is this REALLY something to break this family up over?
I come home one day and her and her mom have that weird look on their face like they need to tell me something, I couldn't imagine what it was, it seemed like things were going great. It turns out her mom couldn't afford rent anymore(surprise surprise), I mean it was a house too big for any 3 people and a baby. So that meant we have to move, again. And her mom was going to rent out the part of the house we were living in. So we're looking for an apartment and it's just not looking good in my eyes. We bring home a combined amount that is just barely above rent prices. This is because she was in charge of finding the place, she finds a 2,500$ a month apartment and convinces me that we're going to do fine. Even though I expressed my doubts, it didn't mean anything, my opinion never mattered. I just roll with it because I want my son to be happy, her to be happy, I just want everyone healthy and a good roof over our heads. So we moved. Oh and remember our dog? Yeah she couldn't come with us, the apartment didn't allow pets, and her mom already had 2 of her own dogs at the house. That was not a fun night just giving her away. She made the sacrifice look easy.
Since rent was so high and she was going to school and working, I was the one who needed to make more money. I find a better job after gaining more experience that would allow for better growth and better pay. Still just focusing on my family as much as I could. I didn't know anybody out here, so my time was spent at work and home. I did make a friend that ended up being an ex-coworker, and that I saw very rarely, just because she didn't approve of him.
We argued, more than normal. And the fights started getting worse. Threats, and name calling, hitting (on her part, I would NEVER put hands on a woman). I never really had an anger problem but once the false accusations and controlling aspect of her came out, I started getting angry. Yeah I've lied to her about silly things, gotten caught, apologize and we'd get over it. But she would hold onto those feelings, feelings of being lied to and guilt trip me in arguments. "Remember when you....blah blah blah years ago..." I couldn't take it. I'm not the person to hold onto negative feelings and let it affect me or the people around me. I would get furious, yell and scream because of how stubborn she is.
One day she starts talking about getting a cat. The new apartment we live in doesn't allow pets so I'm already saying no. No no no, why risk it. Not to mention our 2 yr old son lives with us. Do you Want to get kicked out? She doesn't listen, all she cares about is rescuing this stupid cat that her friend found. I tell her before she leaves to go get it, I'm not paying for a damn thing that has to do with that cat. You took our dog from us, so we could live here. Now this?
We're at this new apartment for about a year until we ran out of money(surprise surprise) Cut a deal with her mom if we move back we'll cover some of your ridiculous rent. We all agree, she kicks her roommates out(awkward). And we move back...again, what is this..4th time moving? I'm losing count...
Arguing and insinuating is still there between us. We had some bad arguments a couple times with her hitting, another time with her trying to kick me out of the car in the middle of nowhere. Get this, my parents offered for us to move in with them, after hearing about us having to move again, but rent free. Her response? "Why do they want to help us now?" I was infuriated, my parents have been nothing but help and supportive for us. I grew up a lot different than her. Never got handouts, never accepted handouts. Appreciative of everything I received, everything I owned. We argued and yelled in the car with my son asleep in the backseat. She pulls off the highway in who knows where and try's to tell me to get out, leave, call someone to pick me up, she didn't care about me. Just nonsense...I ended up convincing her to just go home.
We argue a couple days later again and she tells me to just leave again, go find somewhere to live. Confused, shaken, angry, worried I thought to myself, maybe this is it. So I just quietly packed some of my clothes, my work clothes, some important stuff, kissed my son and headed to my car. Cars running, she walks outside seemed like she was already second guessing herself. "Are you really going to do this?" She says. I say "this is what YOU said you wanted, im always fixing this,don't call me don't text me" "Where are you going to go?" She says "You don't care, why ask" I say. I take off..to the shop I work at. I had nowhere to go. I have keys to the shop, it's my happy place, I can stay calm, wrench on my car, listen to music, and maybe my one and only friend out here will respond to my cry for help. She calls, I ignore it. She calls again, fine I pick up. She's balling, sobbing, I can't understand her but one thing "I'm scared, I don't know what to do". "Well you should have thought about it, maybe I'll call you later" I ended up finally going to my friends house, unwinding and telling him all about it. It was good to let it all out, to someone other than her or her Mom because he understood me better. It starts getting late and I realize I'm not going to sleep here. I already told her mom about the fight, she understands and says I can always sleep in the spare room. I go home, we have long talks for the next couple days about our lives, our sons life, and come to the conclusion that this needs to be fixed, she try's to tell me we need therapy(she's getting her psych degree). I'm all against it. Not being stubborn myself but I knew the problems didn't lie within me. I research on the internet about it and realize that if i go, we tell our story to someone, they might see it too. We go a few times and it becomes obvious(to her) that me and the therapist are teaming up against her. I no longer go and she goes by herself. It seemed like it helped some, at least the times she went by herself. Maybe she saw who she is...
We go to the pet store one day to get the pointless cat some food or something. My son comes along too. "I want to look at the kitty's!" She says. Really. Why. She gets my son all into it. "Ricky needs a friend babe, he doesn't like being at moms house". I simply said "no" and explained to her not going to happen. Your MOTHER will be pissed, she already doesn't want a cat AND her 2 dogs let alone 2 cats. She doesn't listen, my son is already thinking he's getting one. And it's $120!!!! Much better things to spend money on... So of course she doesn't listen to me, gets another pointless cat, keeps it from her mom for a couple weeks until she found out. Still just like the dog, the other cat, and now this cat, her mom is mad at her for a day then just shrugs it off. Parenting must have been easy for her.
It became like walking on eggshells with her. I wouldn't know what would set her off. Saying I want to go hang out with my friend, "well why don't you want to hang out with me" she would say. Argument. She really just always came ready for a fight. Always had some feelings or some negative situation stored in her mind to guilt me in the next argument.
So my son is around 3 now. We're busy as ever, she's in the process of getting her masters degree. I'm trying to pass my own tests in my field for better pay, and let's face it, we were all struggling money wise at this point. I always thought her mom was paid very well in her job, because she always spent money like she did. since I known her, Her mom consistently went out to dinner, always drank fancy wine, leased her cars. Come to find out, after living with her mom for a year that this is her lifestyle with money she doesn't have while her power bill, cable, and cell phone racks up overdue payments. She does get paid well at her job but credit cards, bills, her lifestyle, all bad.
Conversations about our future come up here and there and It becomes aparant what she hinting at. In her crazy mind AT THIS VERY MOMENT OF OUR LIVES is the only time that makes sense for us to try to have another kid. I'm just beyond lost, I don't know what she sees around her at this point anymore. Does she really think it's the smart thing to do? She's the most negative person I know, and the ideas that come into her head blow me away. Apparently now is the time to have another kid because it all coincides with when she has to do her internship for her degree and she assures me her student loans will have us covered for awhile. The main excuse for wanting another child; she doesn't want my son to have a big age difference with his sibling....really that's the big reason. Let's struggle some more. Sure.
I see her birth control one day, or at least where she kept it. it seemed like she had a lot of it (Nuva rings) because I'm pretty sure one lasts a month or so , she gets them delivered on a schedule, they expire, and there was like 3 of them in here. I don't confront her about it, I assume she is on top of her own birth control.
Couple months later she's acting all funny. I have to pull it out of her just like everything else. What's wrong? Nothing. what's wrong? nothing. Finally she says it, I feel like I can't tell you anything. We're pregnant. I lose it, I cry, I question it, she says it just happened, she doesn't know. Every time we've been on birth control we've never gotten pregnant. The second she gets off of it, it happens. She hates my reaction. She's calm and collective and expected me to be all happy and excited. I just couldn't be that way. I couldn't be that way when she told me she was pregnant the last 2 times. I'm scared and I don't want to struggle anymore. She says to me that she already has planned this all out. She has a lot of extra student loan money that she's been saving.
She tries telling me that I haven't saved any money, which is true. We live paycheck to paycheck and what extra money I have, after rent and our own bills, it goes to my own bills. I might have a little left after all that. We opened a joint account that I put money in for our rent and bills and it's gone every month. She pays for things like the rent and child care with that money on her end but no money is ever saved in our JOINT account. I get it, she has money saved that was given to her for her school. It was meant for all expenses, living, books, classes. But it's not fair that she can say it's her money she saved and rub it in my face. It's going to have to be paid back...that's the point of a loan...
Her mom comes home one day, very quiet, very different, we knew something was up. She says she just wants to speak with her daughter, fine. It's probably just some work drama. Nope. Come to find out the owners of the house that were living in are renovating and selling the house, we have a little over a month to move...again
So we're living in a smaller house now, we had to down size a bit and sell some of our stuff, but that's ok. The owners don't allow pets but that didn't stop her mom and her from lying about her moms 2 dogs and her 2 cats. Once again I speak my opinion on why she thinks it's ok to jeopardize our family's living situation, but it means nothing.
So here I am now. She's 32 weeks pregnant, I'm lost as ever. We are prepared for the baby, but I don't know how much longer I can keep trying to fix this relationship. There has been so many unnecessary fights lately and I've just been shrugging it off trying to just keep her calm. The last thing I want is for her to go into labor early. My son came 5 weeks early so I'm just trying to make it as easy as possible for her.
Separating is not going to be good. In my eyes, my son has been with me since he was born. And to take that away is going to be awful. I can't imagine going more than a day without seeing him. And now to have another child, possibly split up and have her grow up without me being there all the time. It's heart wrenching that I allowed this to happen. I don't like thinking about a future like that, and I end up trying with every ounce of strength I have left to fix the relationship. If you were crazy enough to read this whole thing please let crazy recognize crazy and tell me why I'm crazy for all this.
Submitted June 06, 2017 at 10:59AM by whitericecrx http://ift.tt/2r0rbvW relationship_advice
