Some people get cool superpowers like reading minds, walking through walls, moving at the speed of light, but me? I just attract neckbeards.
TL;DR:
Meet Creepy Cupcake Guy, he has anger management issues... which is probably he threatened to kill my cat with a carbine rifle. I told him to fuck off, and in return he sneaked into my yard (in broad daylight) days later on my birthday and put cupcakes into my mailbox PROOF.
He waited about half an hour (sitting in his little creepervan down the street), he called me and asked me why I hadn't checked my mail that day. I spotted him when I checked the mail and he drove quickly away, and I ended up splitting the cupcakes down the middle with my friend because if I'm gonna die, I'm not gonna die alone. Cupcakes were delicious and luckily enough not poisonous.
I later thanked him but he was too violent and weird so we're not friends much less bang-bros.
I met an older heavyset neckbeard (this was before I knew what neckbeards were) on Craigslist in the rants 'n raves section. We talked a lot about Zig Ziggler and business and nerdy shit. He told me he was attending the local university to get a degree in business administration and was working hard on promoting his business. We texted back and forth a lot for a week and he wanted me to give him an opinion on his thing (it was a DIY construction thing that's actually somewhat popular now) and help him try to get more attention on it. So we made a date to hang out at my house and talk and stuff. I have roommates and guard cats and watchful neighbors, so I didn't think much of it.
"Beware Neckbeards Bearing Gifts"
He arrives at my door with a sparsely populated beard, wrinkled clothing and a bright purple Jansport backpack - but he had brought me a gift: a really high caffeine energy drink. He chugged his in one go but I put mine in the refrigerator so it'd stay cold. We talked a bit about how semantics work when it comes to search engines, and why some pages appear higher up when you google a term.
As we're talking shop it comes out that he's not actually enrolled at the university, he's attending one of those shady-ass Everest strip mall colleges to get some kind of certificate bullshit. That DIY construction thing? Turns out it's not his business, he's just a minority partner (30%) and he doesn't build anything. Let down.
Then he asks for his gift back.
CCG: "I worked out today, I need to carboload."
I was kind of taken aback, but whatever, I probably wasn't going to drink it. He chugs it down and starts talking about how his weight loss has plateaued. This guy ate out 2-3 times a day at traditional and fast casual restaurants, and I pointed out that maybe eating Thai buffet, energy drinks + smothered steaks multiple times a week might be the problem.
CCG: "It's not fast food, it's like eating at home without the work! I go to the gym 3x a week, it cancels it all out anyway."
:/
People that make bullshit excuses and try to explain away shit make my legs slam faster than a Taco Bell drive-thru window. I don't care if you're fat or look like a scrub, but after lying about a bunch of shit you don't get to complain about it and lay the blame elsewhere to try and get me to headpat you.
As I sat there listening to him drone on and on about how he didn't have to track calories and macros because he'd read this one thread that changed his mind over on the bodybuilding.com forums, I decided that I would not fuck this weird little man. If he had just been cool and not tried to woo me with his neckbeardy brand of bro-science and start telling me about his side business of "roadside assistance" which sounded like grifting desperate people, I would've been down for a mutual handy or something. But he didn't and so I wasn't.
As we parted ways for the evening he pointed out that he "wasn't as interested in me in real life" as he was when we were talking online/texting. I agreed, but I thought we could text every now and again, maybe be hangout buddies or something when we got bored. That's just how it goes sometimes.
That's not how it went this time.
"If she does I'll just have to fucking kill her."
We talked less than we had before our hangout session, as to be expected. I figured it was a mutual disinterest since he'd pointed out that I wasn't as interesting and I felt the same way about him. I'd meandered on to other people and things. But Creepy Cupcake Guy? He was sitting at home stewing like a crazy person because I wasn't messaging him anymore.
He sent me messages about how he was going to be out of town ferrying strippers across state lines so he could get them new IDs that he could sell here in town - he could sell me one too, if I was interested. He was also going on a hunting trip and he wanted to know if I'd like to buy some deer meat. Lots of weird messages about guns and his new leather vest.
About a week after we hung out he calls me up and asks "What kind of game I was playing". I don't remember specifics, but apparently him telling me he wasn't interested in me was supposed to make me chase after him and make him want me - but like usual I had gone off-script. Bad, bad, Terpin. He wanted to come over and bring his adorable little yorkies that he dressed up in sweaters, but I told him that was a bad idea.
I have a small cat that is extremely territorial and these are show dogs. If she scratched one and it scarred/marked it, he couldn't show the dogs again.
CCG: "If she does I'll just have to fucking kill her with my carbine rifle. Nobody hurts my doggies, nobody!"
Well, nobody threatens my little trashpanda either, so I told him to piss off.
CCG: "You're too fucking sensitive, it's just a stupid cat. What about your birthday, do you want to go out and get some dessert? We made a date..."
I told him to fuck off and got off the phone.
"You haven't checked your mail today, have you?"
He'd texted me several times, emailed, tried to call. I just ignored it. I told him to fuck off multiple times and he was just trying to wear me down. Fuck that noise.
About a week after he threatened to kill my cat, it was my birthday. Cupcake Creeper decided to sneak into my yard and deposit some cupcakes into the mailbox. He knew I was home, and he sat outside in his little minivan (what single man has a minivan?) with animal-print seat covers waiting for me to come out and check the mail. I didn't come out, so he decided to move the process along.
I'm watching Dr. Phil and running on my human hamster wheel and it's a message from him, asking me why I haven't checked my mailbox today. I ignore it, thinking he's just trying to get a rise out of me. And then another message:
"Check your mailbox, I left you a birthday treat."
I half expected it to be some kind of fucked up shit, but all I found were two very rich cupcakes. I closed the box and waiting for my roomie to arrive, then we split them in half and ate them. I thanked CCG for the cupcakes, but he was very mad that I wouldn't let him come over to hang out or come over to his place to discuss a "lucrative business opportunity" (lul prostitution amirite?) and I left it at that.
He tried a few more times to get me to talk to him, to hang out with him, but I always shut that shit down. He did call me at about midnight 8 months later acting like we quit speaking because he "lost his phone and my number", asking if I knew how to sell gun parts on Amazon without getting in trouble. I told him that I was super busy with other projects, maybe some other time.
I haven't heard from him since, I'm relieved.
Submitted September 10, 2015 at 06:41AM by terpin http://ift.tt/1Oe1Nv7 neckbeardstories
