I want to have sex with my fridge copypasta

I walked into the kitchen to retrieve my baked chicken from the oven. From the corner of my eye I saw it. My refrigerator. My cock tingled in my pants. A light beige color, stamped with magnets, a double door, an ice maker. I tried to ignore it but I couldn't. After seeing it several times this afternoon I was on the verge of breaking. I set the chicken tray down on the counter and walked over to my fridge.

"You just gonna tease me all night? You dirty slut." My dick tingled again and I knew my impulses were taking over me. I opened the refrigerator door and with a leg on either side of the door I began to rub my cock in the middle of it. With the door open I could see inside of the fridge. It was almost completely empty with the exception of somebbq sauce, (sweet baby rays), and a 32oz beer. Stains littered the fridge.

"You are a dirty slut". I said, my cock hardening at the sight of the stains. I opened the freezer door while dry humping the other door still. It was empty. It needed to be filled. I pulled my cock out and stuck it in the freezer door. The cold air coming out felt so good on my dick. I took the door and closed it on my dick gently, the pressure sending waves of pleasure throughout me. I kept pulsating pressure on my cock while licking the side of the door, every lick was pure ecstasy.

"You fucking nasty whore, you fucking slut, you've been teasing me all night. Think I'm gonna let you get away with that"? My cock was rock hard. "Where do you want it? There? Your so nasty. Gonna cum with me, huh"?

I pulled out and began fucking the door again, rubbing my cock against it vigorously. "Oh fuck, oh fuck. I'm cumming". I gripped the door handle tightly and licked the door, slobbering open mouthed on it as my cock spurt thick ropes of cum against the beige door.

"Fuck", I said, after I could speak, "let me get you a towel". I kissed my fridge one more time before leaving.

Fucking thing was asking for it all night.

Submitted January 08, 2018 at 10:05PM by Coopsolex http://ift.tt/2meLFlr copypasta

[OC] Oh, you want to know about my weekend? copypasta

Oh, you want to know about my weekend? Well it was great. I'd been planning it for weeks. But I wasn't sure who I would carry out my plans with. It had to be just right. Everything had to be just right. It was Saturday evening as I walked across the sidewalk, looking for someone who would fit my qualifications. As I continued, I saw one woman who was nearly perfect. I began to follow a short distance behind when my eye caught sight of someone else. They were even better. I immediately turned around and pursued this other woman, making sure to avoid drawing attention to myself. She paused at a bus stop but I continued past. It would have been too obvious if I had stopped there too. I walked into the convenience store a few feet past it and thought to myself when the right time would be to go back. After looking over the snacks for a few minutes, I settled on a bag of chips and a Fanta.

Outside, I downed the snacks and threw away the trash. Then I rushed towards the bus stop as I saw the bus heading up the street. The woman didn't pay any attention to me as I walked in behind her, grabbing some change from my pocket and inserting it into the pay machine. She sat down in the middle of the bus and I went to the back, watching her as the bus began moving.

After three or so stops, the woman got off. I stood up as she was exiting the bus and walked out behind her. I observed my prey from a distance, giving her a head start to make myself seem less suspicious. I couldn't let my plan fall apart when I'd already gotten to this point. Once I decided I was far enough away, I walked hurriedly in her direction. It was dark when she got to her house. I was far up the sidewalk, watching from a distance. She fumbled with her purse when all of a sudden she stopped what she was doing. The woman looked around, possibly startled by something. I immediately tensed up. There was no way should could see me from over there, right? She was illuminated by her porch light but I was hidden by the darkness. When she finally relaxed, I knew I had to make my move, There was nobody else around. It was the perfect opportunity. I started moving up the street, quicker and quicker. She found the key in her purse as I began to break into a sprint. Every second counted at this moment. All of a sudden she turned around, alerted by the sound of my sneakers hitting the pavement. A strange man was running towards her at night. She scrambled to unlock the door as fast as possible to get away. She wasn't fast enough. I caught her and threw her against the ground hard. Her head smacked against the sidewalk, knocking her unconscious.

It was at this point that I ran into a problem. Her body was unexpectedly heavy. I hadn't considered this part. I didn't stop to plot out the details. My plan was sloppy and careless. It was just dumb luck that had even gotten me this far. I stopped to consider the situation. There was no way I would be able to drag this body all the way back to my house. I realized, however, that there was a house right here and a set of keys left by the unconscious owner. I unlocked the door and slowly dragged the woman inside. As I locked the door behind me, I started shaking with excitement. I hadn't expected to get this far. I observed this woman's vulnerable body, splayed across her floor, and felt a half-chub forming. I bent down and propped her up against the wall. As I lifted up her shirt, a voice in my head told me I needed to wait just a little longer. Everything had to be in place first.

I searched around her house, getting a basic understanding of the place. I also wanted to be certain we were home alone. Afterwards, I made sure she had what I needed. Grabbing a few zipties from a tool bag in her garage, I went back to her body and restrained her hands behind her back. Then her feet. I tossed the rest of the zipties behind my shoulder carelessly. Now it was time to play the waiting game.

Finally, she woke up. I relished in that split second when she had just regained consciousness but hadn't absorbed the knowledge of what was happening. Then the little dance began. The little movements. She looks forward. She sees me. Her body tries to move backwards, to get away from the danger. She immediately realizes she can't move. And in that single second, she realizes and screams. True horror at the circumstances that were unfolding. This was the sort of nightmare scenario that happened to other people; you read this sort of thing in the newspaper and think "wow, I can't imagine that sort of thing ever happening to me". It just seems too far fetched. Yet here we both were. She was my helpless prisoner. And I was her captor. And she screamed. So I moved forward and clamped my sweaty palm over her mouth. "Shut up, bitch," I ordered. The shock was enough to silence her. I was going to enjoy the events to follow.

"What do you want," she whimpered, her voice breaking. That raw terror. That was what I wanted.

"I want you to break."

I was incredibly nervous myself, but I fought to keep myself composed. I had to assert dominance. The mood couldn't be spoiled. I wiped the sweat from my hands against my pants and went to work. I took some scissors and cut off her shirt. In retrospect, it would've made more sense to take off her clothes before tying her up, but I had been careless again. It really didn't matter now, anyway. I could take my time. I carefully cut off the rest of her clothes, first the pants, then her bra. I moved to the panties, but hesitated. I moistened my dry lips with my tongue. The woman was cowering and seemed to be mumbling under her breath, praying maybe. Her eyes were shut tight. I imagined how scared she must be and it turned me on. Then, with a snip, I stripped her of her last bit of protection. Now it was just her beautiful, naked body. So smooth, so pale. I stared at her, longingly, imagining all the blood running through her body. It was hypnotic. At last, I snapped out of my trance and moved onto the next part of my plan. I went to her kitchen and opened the refrigerator. A carton of eggs. I took the carton out and brought them to her. I could hardly hold still at this point. The excitement was nearly too much for me to keep contained. Nevertheless, I grabbed several eggs and laid them down next to her face on the ground. She stared at the eggs. I stared at her.

"What are you-" she began.

I interrupted her. "You're going to eat these."

I picked one up and forced it past her lips. I smiled a little as the shell cracked in her mouth. She slowly chewed. I was holding back a wide grin at this point. Her face began to contort in disgust. A little bit of yolk dripped out and began to dribble down her cheek. She gagged as she forced herself to swallow it. I was surprised that she had been so cooperative, but then I remembered I still had those scissors. She knew what I would do if she didn't listen. I picked up another egg and pushed it into her mouth. Her eyes watered and she began to cry a bit. When would this torture end, she was probably thinking. Maybe a small part of her was enjoying this. If so, she certainly hid it well. I gave her two more eggs before I stopped. This seemed like enough. I would have to wait until the eggs traveled further through her body before I could go on with the plan. For now, I would have a little fun.

I sat cross legged in the floor and admired her body. My eyes scanned her feet, then her smooth legs, then her nether regions. Lastly, I moved up to her breasts. They rose and fell as she took each shallow breath. It was hard to believe I had lucked out with such a fine specimen. I stared at her beautiful face, begging to be ruined. She flinched as I moved my thumb forward to wipe some excess yolk from the corner of her lips. It looked like there was even a little bit of blood mixed in. Those eggshells must have been sharp.

I thought about my next move. I glanced at the scissors in my hands. These wouldn't work. I needed something more fit for the job. I entered the kitchen once more, looking for something more fit for the job. I perused her knives, looking for something that didn't have a serrated edge. I wanted her to be as comfortable as possible when I spilled her blood. After some searching, I settled on a nice steak knife. I walked back out and saw that she had noticed the tool in my hand. Her eyes widened and she began to squirm a bit. I pressed the cold blade against her warm flesh and she immediately stopped moving.

"Please... Don't..."

I loved her begging. She had such a cute voice. Her pleas were in vain, however. I pushed the tip of the blade hard against her thighs until I felt it break skin. She sucked in the air between her teeth sharply. A bead of blood formed and began to drop down her leg. Such a small amount was a little disappointing, but I didn't want to damage her flawless skin anymore. It would've been a crime to blemish her flawless, smooth skin further. It was already peppered with bruises from the fall outside her house, anyway.

I rubbed my hand over her leg, feeling just how wonderful it truly was. I let my hand brush past the wound and smear red across her leg, a lovely contrast to her white skin. She shuddered at my disgusting hands touching her clean body. There was one more thing I wanted to do before I enacted the final part of my plan. I slowly cupped my hands over her breasts. I wanted to feel them. They were mesmerizing.

This seemed to be the breaking point for her. Her eyes were shut so tight at this point, but I could still see tear drops forming in the corners. There's just something so hypnotic about a woman crying.

Now it was time. It had been nearly an hour since she had swallowed those eggs. I wasn't sure what would be the appropriate time, but this seemed right. I ran into one more problem. She was still heavy, and there was no way I'd be able to lift her up. Luckily, I came up with another quick solution. Instead of moving her, I left her on the ground. But I stood up. She had no idea what was going to happen next. The surprise made it even better. I watched closely for her breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Then she began to exhale. Now was my chance. I swung my shoe backwards and gave her a hard kick in the chest. Her eyes suddenly opened wide and she spat. Then I did it again. And again. I kicked her in the stomach over and over, causing more and more pain. It must have been unimaginable. But it wasn't just the pain I was after. After a couple more kicks, I got what I wanted. I could see it in her face. She knew what was about to happen. Her mouth opened. The eggs came back up. She was now lying in a small puddle of her own vomit like the filthy fucking whore she was. And then I was done. I had no more to do. She was in horrible pain, covered in bile, and had lost all dignity. I wanted to ruin another human being, and my wish had now been fulfilled. There was only one thing left to do.

She croaked some unintelligible string of words, but I really didn't care what she had to say at this point. Knife in hand, I crouched down and whispered in her ear. "Thank you."

But enough about my weekend, how was yours?

Submitted January 03, 2018 at 05:48AM by LevyMartinez http://ift.tt/2DRYkRG copypasta

The Big Salad copypasta

Its fascinating. When you go into a stationery store that they’re manufacturing millions of pens; constantly we’re all buying them. I must have bought six thousand Bics in my life. I’ve used up maybe two of them. Where are the rest of them? When you move the refrigerator there’s a couple back there but it doesn’t account for it. Where are all the pens? That’s why it’s so embarrassing if you don’t have one. You got a pen? Can I borrow a pen? We always have to whisper because it’s so humiliating. I don’t have a pen. They’re making millions of them every week! I know; where are they?

Stationer: May I help you?

Elaine: Yeah, uh, I'm looking for a Rollamech 1000 mechanical pencil.

Stationer: Oh, I know the Rollamech 1000.

Elaine: No, I'm sure you do.

Stationer: They're pretty expensive.

Elaine: Well, it's for my boss.

Stationer: What do you do?

Ex; Whatever.

Stationer: Well, we don't have any in stock right now but I would be happy to order it for you. Just give me your phone number and when it comes in I'll give you a call. You're name is?

Elaine: Elaine.

Stationer: Elaine, . . . and your last name?

Elaine: It's just Elaine, like Cher. Ha ha ha

Stationer: And your number?

Elaine: Uh, aw, KL5-239O.

Stationer: Okay. Thanks a lot. You'll be hearing from me.

Elaine: Okay, [to Jerry] Move along. . .

Jerry: Why did you give him MY number?

[On the street]

Elaine: I think he's got ideas.

Jerry: I wonder if any woman ever said that about Einstein?

Jerry: Call me when the pencil comes in Okay?

[On the street]

Elaine: Just call me when the new pen comes in, okay?

Jerry: Why does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to a pen anyway? Hey. Look who's here.

George: Hey, hey.

Elaine: Hey hey

Julie: Hi Jerry.

Jerry: Hi Julie.

George: Elaine, Julie.

Elaine: Hi.

Julie: Hi.

Julie: Oh, hi. Elaine's my middle name.

Elaine: Oh, mine's "Ike".

George: Hey, wanna get some lunch?

Jerry: Just had a big bowl of Kix.

George: Ah, well, that's very mature. What about you?

Elaine: Ah, no.

Julie: Please come, Elaine.

Elaine: No, no. How about if you bring me back something?

George: Sure, all right, what do you want?

Elaine: Um, hum, I don't know.. . . A big salad?

George: What big salad? I'm going to the coffee shop.

Elaine: They have big salads.

George: I've never seen a big salad.

Elaine: They have a big salad.

George: Is that what I ask for? The BIG salad?

Elaine: It's okay, you don't…

George: No, no, Hey I'll get it. What's in the BIG salad?

Jerry: Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs.

George: (???), we'll see you in a little while.

[Jerry's]

Elaine: Maybe I should just get married.

Jerry: Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it?

Elaine: I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell.

Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

Elaine: You can say that again.

Jerry: It's embarrassing for them. It's painful for us to watch. I'm going out with someone later, I'm not even taking her out of the house.

Elaine: Good for you.

Jerry: I don't need a bunch of people staring at us.

Elaine: Right on baby. (???)

[noise from hall]

Jerry: What was that?

[Kramer enters with his golf clubs]

Kramer: That Gendason, what a jerk. I'm never playing golf with him again.

Elaine: Who Gendason?

Kramer: Steve Gendason.

.Elaine: Why is that name familiar? Hx: He used to be a baseball player.

Elaine: Oh, how did you end up playing golf with him?

Kramer: Well, I met him on the course a couple of years ago. Yeah. Played with him a lot. But today was it! We're on the fifteenth hole, ya, he's beating me by a couple of strokes. Then, he's about to hit his second shot, when, he picks up the ball and CLEANS it.

Elaine: So what?

Kramer: Umph, sorry! But the rules clearly state that you cannot clean the ball unless it's on the green. The rules are very clear about that.

Jerry: Certainly are.

Kramer: Ya, so I penalized him a stroke.

Jx; Ah, so what happened?

Kramer: He LOST IT! We almost came to blows. We were face to face like a manager and an umpire like this . . kara a pukka ba ya ka ba . . .

Jerry: All right. You're in MY face.

Elaine: I still don't see what the big deal is.

Kramer: A rule is a rule. And let's face it. Without rules there's chaos.

[Monks]

Julie: I like Anna ???'s column and Sapphire. Don't you like Sapphire?

George: Oh, Sapphire. Uh ha

Julie: Although at times can be rather pedantic.

George: He can be pedantic. He can be pedantic.

Julie: And Bob Herbert's great. He's the Daily News.

George: Yes. Yes. You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r" which I find fascinating. You know it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert" it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it Hebert. Take a shot. All right. [check arrives] All right. I

got it.

Julie: No, no. I'd like to take you out.

George: No, Julie, Julie, don't insult me. You know, what difference does it make who pays for lunch. It's totally meaningless.

Julie: Okay, thanks, George.

Wx: Here's your big salad to go.

Julie: Oh, thank you.

[Jerry's]

Jerry: [on phone] Hello. No she's not here. Okay, fine, whatever. I'll tell her. Okay. Goodbye. The stationery store guy called to say he ORDERED your pencil.

Elaine: I told ya'. He has ideas.

Jerry: He doesn't even care if a man answers.

Elaine: Or you.

[George and Julie enter]

George: Hey, hey.

Elaine: Hey.

Julie: Sorry e're late.

Elaine: No problem.

Julie: Here's your big salad.

Elaine: Thank you, Julie.

Submitted December 29, 2017 at 02:44AM by PyroxeneFPS http://ift.tt/2zJ1MeP copypasta

In an argument about ais "dominating humanity" copypasta

Imagine the female robot version of yourself sucking you off inside of your refrigerator and then next thing you know she’s going to be on her hands and knees sucking you off and then you thrust her hair into your pussy and then she sharts all over your face and then fucks you all over the place. next thing you know she divorces you and takes all of your kids and she ruins your life then next thing you know you’re selling your body to prostitutes out on the street and have nowhere else to go so sometimes you just have to hate robots since they will destroy humanity and there is no way that you can get past this. humanity is doomed.

Submitted December 27, 2017 at 02:09AM by G-Minus http://ift.tt/2pCXohI copypasta

Found on/r/redit: why Popeye is the strongest superhero copypasta

-Popeye once ate an entire field of spinach to repel a Martian Invasion. He punched through a Martian disentegration beam, grabbed a flying saucer, threw it like a frisbee, and made it ricochet off the entire Martian invasion fleet like a pin ball. After all the Martian ships crashed, the ensuing explosion spelled the word "TILT" across the skyline. -Popeye has ran down Bluto, on foot, while Bluto was speeding away in a racecar in an attempt to kidnap Olive Oyl. -Popeye has ran down, and ran past (on numerous occasions), a speeding locomotive to save Olive Oyl, who was tied to the tracks, from being ran over. On one occasion, rather than untying her, he punched the speeding train and turned it into a pipe organ. -Popeye singlehandedly laid track for a speeding train and punched through mountains to make tunnels for the train so that it could get to it's destination near the coal mines. -Popeye has leaped into the air and punched out fighter jets in mid flight. -Popeye can fly like a fighter jet by spinning his pipe like a propelor and sticking out his arms like wings. When provoked, Popeye can use his pipe as a jet engine propelling himself through the air at mach speeds, even launching himself into space. Popeye can also survive re-entry and falls from sub-orbital heights. -Popeye has punched fast enough to deflect hundreds of rounds of machine gun fire at close range with his bare fists. -Popeye has chewed up steel beams and spit the metal out as bullets, nails, and rivets. -Popeye on numerous occasions has punched people and accompanying objects into cages, cabins, tents, tepees, stuffed animals, toys, etc. On one occasion Popeye was attacked by a Giant Octopuss while he was diving for pearls. Popeye punched the octopuss and turned it into a Merry-Go-Round. - During WWII, Popeye punched out a fleet of German battleships into individual cages to imprison over 100 Nazi soldiers. Popeye also punched through the gunfire of 10 Nazi fighter jets, in mid air, and punched the planes to splinters that formed a fence and imprisoned the pilots as they landed with their parachutes. He also got a medal of honor from Eisenhower. -During WW II Popeye once turned out all the lights in his hometown for a bomb raid in a matter of seconds. -Popeye once punched an enraged Giant King Kong-esque Gorilla into 3 separate monkeys, each covering their ears, eyes, and mouth (hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil) respectively. -Popeye punched out a giant Moby Dick-esque sperm whale and held it in one hand like a baby as it was dazed. -Popeye once punched a mountain into a hill because it was blocking his view. -Popeye once lifted up and bodyslammed the 40 story building Olive Oyl's apartment was in so that her floor was at street level and he could move her piano in. -Popeye once walked a tight rope while carrying a refrigerator, a wardrobe, a bathtub, a baby in a baby carriage, Olive Oil, and Wimpy (eating a burger). -Popeye once punched through super hypnosis vision from a Persian Magician, then punched the guy and his flying carpet turning them into a bazaar with rugs for sale. -While in Old Russia, Popeye punched through hypnosis vision and spells cast by Rasputin, then Popeye proceded to punch Rasputin through the Kremlin which formed a jail around Rasputin. -Popeye once punched through magic spell bolts cast at him by a Genie Bluto had used to grant him three wishes. Popeye then punched out Bluto and punched the Genieback into the lamp before tossing the lamp into the horizon. -Popeye survived having a battle ship dropped on him by Bluto. -Popeye survived being shot point blank in the face with a cannonball by Pirate Blackbeard. -Popeye survived being ran over and point blank cannon fire from a Sherman tank, and then proceded to punch the tank into an oven and water heater. -In Egypt Popeye once punched a Mummy into bedsheets hanging from a clothesline (there was no clothseline before the punch). -Popeye has punched aligators, dinosaurs, and mad bulls into full sets of leather luggage. -Popeye has punched a lion into a leopard skin fur coat. (and no, that's not a typo, he punched a lion into leopard skin). -Popeye punched out a fire breathing dragon. -Popeye as a lumberjack chopped down a whole state full of redwood trees with his bare fists. -Popeye once jumped up and punched the man in the moon in the eye after Olive Oyl snubbed him for Bluto and the moon was laughing at his misfortune. -Popeye beat PC supes and threw him inside a telephone booth and that was when he was called captain crunch. -Popeye can break the 4th wall. A real boy in the movie audience threw some spinach into the screen to Popeye. Popeye got up and hit Bluto so hard, Bluto was knocked into the real world. So Superboy Prime's not the only one punching holes into reality. Hmmm, I wonder if the explains the discrepancy between Bluto and Brutus. -Popeye can resist mind control after eating spinach. An evil hypnotist hypnotized Popeye into thinking he was a chicken. Popeye ate some spinach, snapped out of it, and then counter hypnotized the hypnotist into thinking he was a baby. -He becomes a master of any discipline after taking spinach. He led a twenty man band, where he was the band himself, became a master musician, master sculptor, brilliant scientist, and a master magician. -He lassoed the sun and pulled it up just so the morning would come quicker. -He pulled the moon closer to earth.

Submitted December 24, 2017 at 12:18PM by 11711510111411009710 http://ift.tt/2BILskg copypasta

Undertale but Frisk is in a truck for the entire game. copypasta

With a loud crash the fallen human slams into the flowerbed in the starting room of the ruins. Their arrival marked only by the smell of diesel and the roar of an unknown machine.

Hearing the commotion Flowey appears to investigate the disturbance thinking there is some new human to terrorize, immediately gets run down and flattened as the fallen child drives haphazardly into the front gate of the ruins and blows down the puzzle door.

A confused looking Toriel barely even has time to register what’s going on before getting broadsided and sent flying into the air. Thankfully it takes two intentional hits to kill her so she just ends up unconscious in the flatbed on the back of the truck, now going for an interesting ride with the fallen human.

Busting through several walls and completely ignoring the spike traps Frisk manages to make it through the entire ruins without killing anything, most of the monsters too afraid of the noise of the truck to get anywhere near it. The candy bowl is knocked over from several rooms away by the sheer rumbling of the massive vehicle.

Nastablook is run over. This doesn’t do much.

The sheer weight of the truck causes it to break through the floor of Toriel's house and careen through the underground hallway before it smashes out the back of the ruins like a flaming bat out of hell.

*HUMAN, DONT YOU KNOW HOW TO GREET A NEW FR-HOLY SHIT

Sans teleports the fuck out of dodge, 1hp is 1hp yo. The truck continues on into the Snowden area. Crushing all of papyrus's puzzles and the several sentry stations it would now be being chased by an overexcited Doggo, Dogame, Dogarissa, Lesser and Greater Dog. They aren’t sure why, but they really feel the need to be running after this giant thing for some reason.

Papyrus, on his morning patrol quickly finds himself in the same boat flatbed as Toriel as he is t-boned into the back of the truck out of the blue.

Careening through Snowden the truck sends the Christmas tree and presents flying in all directions as the citizens dive out of the way, only to watch as it disappears into the distance on its way to waterfall, a strange large goat resembling the king and an unconscious skeleton in the back of it, several of the royal guard dogs chasing after it barking.

By this point some manner of alert has gone out that something large and apparently dangerous is blasting through the underground, and Undyne and the Royal guard have been notified. Hoping to cut off the truck's rampage they set up a roadblock of sorts at the bridges in waterfall, only to watch as it gets mowed down by the sheer presence of the massive vehicle.

Never one to give up Undyne takes it upon herself to stop the truck as it continues busting its way through the murky swampland, the terrain doing nothing to stop the raw power that is the F150. Coated in spears, chased by all of the royal guard dogs, and still running after having been suplexed by Undyne the truck takes the feisty heroine with it off the cliff and crashing into the dump.

Now with the semi-conscious bodies of Toriel, Papyrus, and Undyne in the flatbed the truck is making its way over mountains of garbage and broadsides right into mad dummy, getting it stuck in the grill like some kind of hood ornament as it busts through a wall and into Undyne's house before breaking out the other side, causing the building to go up in flames.

Winning untold amounts of money for being the fastest thing to ever win the snail races the truck speeds out of the waterfall village and into the glow plains where it causes every single echo flower to spout the glorious sounds of a roaring engine for weeks to come as it burns a trail of raging DETERMINATION across the land.

The cacophony of hOI!'s is instantly silenced by all of the Temmies fleeing from the village amidst the screams of "tRUCK R, Not CUTE!" as the vehicle swerves around the grassy terrain and begins to high-tail it towards the red hot mountainous area in the distance.

Undyne, already unconscious in the back of the truck has no chance to make a flash appearance as it booms through the tunnel before bursting out of the other side into Hotland and speeding right towards Alphys' lab.

Having had all of her camera's being knocked offline one after the other has tipped off the scientist that something is very very wrong. Employing Mettaton to guard the entrance to the lab until she is able to figure out what is happening proves to be a futile effort however as even his so called 'invincible outer shell' is nothing compared to the UNENDING GRIT that is the FORD line of trucks.

Adding Mettaton's semi functioning and dented body to its list of 'cargo' the truck would bust into Alphys' lab like the coolade man on a Hotland's summers day. Alphys, freaking out tries to hide atop her refrigerator only to have it blown away by the still speeding vehicle causing her to land face first into Undyne in the back of the truck, knocking them both out again.

Ignoring the steam puzzles and conveyor belts completely the truck makes its way through Hotland wrecking all of Mettaton's TV show sets as well as all of the laser defense systems before it would set its sights on the core.

*Ohohoho~ I was told that there was something nasty headed this way, perhaps it is some new plaything for my p-...

Muffet would be torn clear off her web as the sticky ground of her lair would do absolutely nothing to the millions of raging horses crammed within the metallic interior of the truck, its all-terrain tires gliding across the web like it was nothing new. Adding the bewildered spider to its 'spared' tires in the flatbed the truck would exit her abode after dumping off the large bag of cash it won from the snail races.

Continuing to destroy its way through the musical stage equipment the vehicle would come into view of the high-rise marking the entrance to the core area.

Water filling the air like some kind of slow motion beauty shot from a commercial the head of the Mettaton stature in MTT resorts would flip through the air before crashing into the burger restaurant as the truck would tear through the lobby and into the CORE itself.

Defying logic itself, as that's one of the things the FORD series is good for, along with terrible gas mileage, the truck would make its way straight UP the elevator shaft before busting out a wall into the city around the castle.

Completely oblivious to the ongoing carnage, as he was with most things, Asgore would sit in the garden of the castle watering the flowers as the ominous roar of the truck would echo in the distance, its path through the city making a beeline right for the castle.

Sitting nervously in the hallway, completely unsure of himself, waiting for... something, would be sans. Never having seen anything like this timeline before he would be preparing for the worst thinking this was to be the end of the world once more. Not knowing what to expect, or how to try and stop it he would do the only thing he knew to at this point. Try to give... whatever it was, a really BAD TIME

Unfortunately for the valiant skeleton even the power of his Gaster Blaster's is not enough to slow the momentous rampage that is the truck as its gleaming, dented, spear ridden hull rockets out of the impact cloud of Sans’s laser and broadsides the smol skeleton right off his feet, sending ketchup in all directions as his body would be flung into the back of the truck with the rest of the monsters caught in its path.

Not having the time, nor the knowledge to take the six human souls in an attempt to defend himself (Undyne having been knocked out before being able to send a message) Asgore is caught as unaware as the rest of the monsters by the sudden explosive arrival of the penultimate glory that is the FORD F150. Being much larger and heavier than the other monsters Asgore is not sent to the same fate in the flatbed as his other subjects but rather ends up stuck to the roof of the vehicle by one of his horns pierced through the metal hull, his body left to flail about above the truck like a goofy looking fuzzy windsock as the truck would bust through the stained glass window of the throne room and careen straight for the barrier.

The barrier, man kinds greatest achievement in the war against the monsters, their defining symbol of victory over a perceived threat would be nothing but childs-play to the mighty vehicle as it would crumple like tissue paper upon impact with the determination filled device.

Crumbling and shattering it would fall as the truck would finally begin to slow its rampage. Not out of damage, or of inability to function, but rather because it had already run down its very inefficient allotment of gas. Slowing to finally crawl to a stop at the very edge of the cliff overlooking the setting sun the vehicle would finally his a sound of approval over the completion of its long journey, the driver’s side door popping open for the small form of the fallen human to step out and look out over the world.

In varying levels of consciousness, battered and bruised, but all still somehow alive, the monsters brought along on the journey would be augmented by the arrival of the still chasing royal guard dogs only to be silenced by the awe inspiring sight of the small human, silhouetted against the sun next to the gleaming vision of the mighty truck.

It was going to be a new day soon. And with the power of their determination, and the strength of the F150 behind them, who knows where they would go next?

Submitted December 20, 2017 at 03:26AM by C10e2 http://ift.tt/2yXXAHz copypasta

Heroic conservative christian Navy SEAL saves college students from evil liberal muslim atheist law professor copypasta

A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!”

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.

”How old is this rock, pinhead?”

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian”

”Wrong. It’s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be an animal now”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the “poor” (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, DeShawn Washington, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!

The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named “Small Government” flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Semper Fi.

Submitted December 19, 2017 at 08:49PM by mysl130 http://ift.tt/2oKsh3f copypasta

Isn't this board meant to be random? copypasta

Woah hold on there dudes Isn't this board meant to be random? We gotta be way more random guys! Potato dolphin frappuccino! Lol fluffy squids and pink milk! Yo check out this parking sandwich XD. DIE POTATO-CHKCHK-,whips out gunNOT TODAY. SHOOba SHooBa in my PANTS DUDE! BEEP BEEP IM A SHEEP PIE FLAAVOR JOHN CENAA SANS IS NESS KITTY CAT TAMPON SWITCHBLADE NIPON PENGUIN CHOCOLATE ERDOGAN TV POOPOO STAR WARS REFRIGERATOR OPERA

OH IM SORRY AM I BEING TOO RANDOM FOR YOU??! HAHA YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN YET YOU FURRY FRUIT JACKER!

DOLLER BILLS UP MY ASSS YEAH GIMME THAT SWEET ALMOND TIT MILK STRAIGHT UP THERE ENEMA MILKSHAKES ALL AROUND HOMER SIMPSON DOES A DRIVE BY TUPACS GONE BRO!!! WHO WANTS TO SQUIRT THEIR NAE NAE JUICE WITH ME?? DONALD BLUMPF EATS HORSESHOES FOR LUNCHES OWEEE TGATSA SPICY MEATSABALL GOD SAVE THE QUEEN YA WANKER! ITS TIME TO DUDUDUDUDUDUDUDU-DUEAL THE FITNESSGRAM PACER GRAPE SODA GOES UP MY ASS AS WELL YA FUCKIN MORON LOOOOOOOOOL

Submitted December 16, 2017 at 05:17PM by djbroiler http://ift.tt/2zfMscs copypasta

Free Pizza Guide copypasta

Do you wanna know how to receive a free Domino’s pizza from Domino’s Pizzeria and restaurant? Well sit down and let me tell you. Step 1, telephone a Domino’s pizza eatery restaurant and order one large one topping pizza and the guy will say “what pizza topping would you like?” and then you say “I want my topping to be another steaming hot Domino’s one topping pizza” so the guy asks “okay, what topping would you like on your Domino’s one topping pizza topping?” and then you say go ahead and make my second Domino’s one topping pizza topping a Domino’s one topping pizza. And that guy will ask “okay sir, what topping would you like on your Domino’s one topping pizza topping one topping pizza?” and you respond with “a Domino’s one topping pizza” and you continue to order Domino’s one topping pizza topped pizzas until you are at a pizza topped with 71 Domino’s one topping pizzas and then the pizza guy will say “Wait one moment sir, we don’t have any pizza boxes that will fit the 71 Domino’s one topping pizza topping topped pizza” so you say “Hold on” and quickly run to Home Depot and purchase a maytag refrigerator that retails for 3,399 US dollars and when it comes time to pay for the Maytag refrigerator, you offer to pay Home Depot, not with cash, but with 70 piping hot Domino’s one topping pizzas and they of course accept, so you buy the fridge and you take it back to Domino’s Pizzeria restaurant and you give the pizza guy the Maytag refrigerator box and put the 71 topped Domino’s one topping pizza into it and then you pay Domino’s using a brand new Maytag refrigerator which retails for 3,399 US dollars so you take the Maytag refrigerator box filled with the 71 topped Domino’s one topping pizza back to Home Depot and you give it to the cashier there as payment for your brand new Maytag refrigerator which retails for 3,399 US dollars and when the cashier turns his back to get your receipt you snatch the 71st Domino’s one topping pizza off the top of your Domino’s one topping pizza stack and you put it in your pocket and there you have yourself a completely free steaming hot Domino’s one topping pizza.

Submitted December 13, 2017 at 03:39AM by Stainedelite http://ift.tt/2C71alL copypasta

Free Pizza Guide copypasta

Do you wanna know how to receive a free Domino’s pizza from Domino’s Pizzeria and restaurant? Well sit down and let me tell you. Step 1, telephone a Domino’s pizza eatery restaurant and order one large one topping pizza and the guy will say “what pizza topping would you like?” and then you say “I want my topping to be another steaming hot Domino’s one topping pizza” so the guy asks “okay, what topping would you like on your Domino’s one topping pizza topping?” and then you say go ahead and make my second Domino’s one topping pizza topping a Domino’s one topping pizza. And that guy will ask “okay sir, what topping would you like on your Domino’s one topping pizza topping one topping pizza?” and you respond with “a Domino’s one topping pizza” and you continue to order Domino’s one topping pizza topped pizzas until you are at a pizza topped with 71 Domino’s one topping pizzas and then the pizza guy will say “Wait one moment sir, we don’t have any pizza boxes that will fit the 71 Domino’s one topping pizza topping topped pizza” so you say “Hold on” and quickly run to Home Depot and purchase a maytag refrigerator that retails for 3,399 US dollars and when it comes time to pay for the Maytag refrigerator, you offer to pay Home Depot, not with cash, but with 70 piping hot Domino’s one topping pizzas and they of course accept, so you buy the fridge and you take it back to Domino’s Pizzeria restaurant and you give the pizza guy the Maytag refrigerator box and put the 71 topped Domino’s one topping pizza into it and then you pay Domino’s using a brand new Maytag refrigerator which retails for 3,399 US dollars so you take the Maytag refrigerator box filled with the 71 topped Domino’s one topping pizza back to Home Depot and you give it to the cashier there as payment for your brand new Maytag refrigerator which retails for 3,399 US dollars and when the cashier turns his back to get your receipt you snatch the 71st Domino’s one topping pizza off the top of your Domino’s one topping pizza stack and you put it in your pocket and there you have yourself a completely free steaming hot Domino’s one topping pizza.

Submitted December 13, 2017 at 03:39AM by Stainedelite http://ift.tt/2C71alL copypasta

In the Grinch film starring Jim Carrey copypasta

In the Grinch film starring Jim Carrey, Cindy Lou’s mom Betty asks her daughter to “unscrew the bulbs from the refrigerator” so she can add them to her light display on her house. In the very next scene, it shows the Grinch prank calling the Lou Who home, with Cindy’s dad Lou repeating the Grinch’s prank question: “is my sub-zero chillabrator running?” to which, after affirming that it indeed is running, the Grinch hilariously replies “WELL THEN YOU BETTER GO CATCH IT!” So in the Who universe, are refrigerators called refrigerators? Or are they called sub-zero chillabrators? The joke usually asks if the person’s refrigerator is running, which is why you would immediately draw that parallel, but maybe sub-zero chillabrators refer to freezers only? That would make more sense, because refrigerators aren’t even set below freezing, and the chillabrator has sub-zero in its name. But perhaps the Whos have a completely different unit of measurement for temperature and liquid freezes at a different number in that scale than the one we know?

Submitted December 11, 2017 at 04:13AM by man_on-a_mission http://ift.tt/2AUe2gF copypasta

From an Otterbox video. copypasta

Why are you pausing to read this? This is totally fake legal copy we just tossed in here to make it look like we know what we're doing. In fact, it was written by an ad guy who was far too stupid to go to law school. I mean, he's not just dumb-- we're talking historically dumb. He says "supposably" instead of "supposedly" like all the time. In his company photo, he's shirtless and wearing one of those beer siphon helmets. And he once got his arm stuck in the break room vending machine and the fire department had to saw him out of it. They kept asking him to just let go of the candy bar but by then he was fully committed. Finally took four firefighters to drag him away kicking and sobbing because he only managed to yank out like half the candy bar. Can't blame him; candy bars are friggin' delicious. Still, huge moron. Do you think he actually used that semi-colon back there? Not a chance. A proofreader had to put that in. He wouldn't know good grammar if it hit him in the face, which practically everyone at the office wants to do like four times a day. Point is, if you're actually taking time out of your busy day to pause and read his slack-jawed ramblings you're either an aficionado of legal copy -- which would be sad -- or just a huge Peyton Manning fan. Probably the latter. Peyton is a legend Did you know he has two ____ rings? (We can't mention the name of the ultra-mega-championship game or we'll get in trouble, which'd be ironic: in trouble for legal copy HA LOL!) And did you know Peyton holds the record for most career passing TDs (539) and yards (71,40)? Dumb ad guy is also a total football nerd. Total face-painter. And don't just casually ask him about his fantasy football team because you don't know what else to say to him, because he'll go on for like two hours about how he almost started this guy over this guy but then like a minute before the game he swapped them out and it got him a ton of fantasy points and bla bla bla please kill me. But whatever, as long as you're here, know this: if you don't give overprotective OtterBox cases as holiday gifts we will come to your house and do that trick where we put dog poop in a bag on your front porch and light it on fire and then ring the doorbell and run away and hide in your bushes and you open the door and see something on fire on your doorstep, and you totally panic and stamp it out. But you're not a hero; you just stepped on a flaming bag of poop! RIYBL! (Roll In Your Bushes Laughing!) Yes OtterBox is unapologetically overprotective. See? That's what you get for pausing and reading this: another shameless plug for our amazing cases. You should really go back to work now. Or napping. Or whatever you do all day. All this fake legal writing work is making me hungry. Go get me a candy bar wouldja? I mean, it's not like you're doing anything else important right now. Obviously. I mean, why are you still even here? GO home and see your wife and children. Girlfriend, Boyfriend. Dog. Cat. Fox. Actually, scratch that last one. We're not big fox fans. They're natural enemies of otters. Filthy predators. Ditto for wolves, coyotes, bears, mountain lions. On land anyway. In the water, otters are - pardon our French - badasses. Strong jaws and sharp teeth. Fast, agile swimmers. No one really messes with otters when they're chilling out in a river or something. So. That's pretty much it on otters. Is there something else important on your mind? Anything you want to get off your chest? I mean, now's the time. Consider me an objective ear to bend. A shoulder to cry on. An overprotective, incredibly durable, stylish OTTERBOX CASE! Ha! Gotcha again? If you just hang around here I'm going to keep peppering you with sales messages to get you to buy one of our cases as a holiday gift. But I'm running out of other stuff to say, honestly. I think I'll just cut & paste generic legal copy now. Not that most people - aside from you, Mr. or Mrs. Weirdly Bored & Curious - will notice. Here goes. This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Sell before date stamped on carton. Four-day old sushi is always a bad idea, regardless of the great price. Do not purchase if seal has been tampered with. Batteries not included. Some settling of contents may occur during shipping. Do not use whle operating a fictional rocket ship from an animated kids' movie, trying to break the sound barrier, or riding a dinosaur. This is not an offer to sell securities. The only thing we're trying to sell is awesomely durable OtterBox cases. Sorry, had to. Apply only to affected area. Overprotection may be too intense for some viewers. If condition lasts for more than four hours, consult your physician. As seen on TV. Or on your phone. Or on this laptop video screen or whatever you're watching now. May or may not contain a substantional amount of melted nacho cheese. Not affiliated with the governments and/or royal families of Andorra, Monaco, or Papua New Guinea. Gas mileage may vary. No need to avoid contact with skin. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Any rebroadcast, reproduction, or other use of OtterBox case is prohibited. No wagering. All rights reserved. For example, your right to finally stop reading this and please, please for the love of all that's good and decent, get back to your REAL life! Unless of course you want to miss this very last bit of knowledge I'm about to drop on you. Ready? Okay, here goes: MORE OTTER FACTS: All 13 species of otters found across the world are born to swim with streamlined bodies and webbed feet. A group of otters is called a "raft." Otters are social and love to play with each other. Their warm fur can keep them warm even in the chilliest of water. This holiday season buy an OtterBox case for a friend, loved one, relative, co-worker, ex-friend, dog catcher, postal worker or total stranger on the street. I mean, that would make some dude's day, right? Say, buddy, here's a brand new OtterBox Defender Series, Pursuit Series, or Symmetry Series case. But back to otters... they may also occasionally find and play with small stones. Okay, enough about otters. Seriously, now I'm done. I'm tired and it's super late, and everyone's gone home for the day, so the office is now open and sorta creepy. There's an urban legend around here that they fired some dude like thirty years ago and instead of just leaving, he snuck up into the attic storage area and sort of became a hermit. Lived off of leftovers from meetings. Foraged through peoples' office refrigerators. Showered at odd hours in the company fitness center. And I just heard some weird metallic clipping or snipping sound coming from above my ceiling panels. Like a guy trimming his beard or something. Which is also part of the legend: that he looks like some sort of deranged cave person. Rip van Winkle beard. Tattered, filthy rags. The whole hobo bit. So you can stick around if you want, knock yourself out, but I'm outta here. Good luck. And buy OtterBox Cases. We love them. Seriously. Because just before I was about to leave just now, the deranged ceiling hermit man crashed down into my ofice, right onto my desk, and tried to wrestle me. He smells awful. Like wet dog-meets-bratwurst. But anyway, the ensuing melee might have damaged my phone but since it had the OtterBox Defender Series on it, there wasn't a scratch on the thing! See? OVER-PROTECTIVE! Which I guess brings me to one final legal disclaimer: OtterBox cannot guarantee that device will remain scratch-free if a deranged, urban legend vagabond living in your ceiling who smells like wet dog and/or bratwurst suddenly falls on you and/or tries to wrestle you.

Submitted December 05, 2017 at 01:34PM by MAX2PLAY4FUN http://ift.tt/2BLAtD1 copypasta

OtterBox commercial's legal disclaimer copypasta

Why are you pausing to read this? This is totally fake legal copy we just tossed in here to make it look like we know what we're doing. In fact, it was written by an ad guy who was far too stupid to go to law school. I mean, he's not just dumb-- we're talking historically dumb. He says "supposably" instead of "supposedly" like all the time. In his company photo, he's shirtless and wearing one of those beer siphon helmets. And he once got his arm stuck in the break room vending machine and the fire department had to saw him out of it. They kept asking him to just let go of the candy bar but by then he was fully committed. Finally took four firefighters to drag him away kicking and sobbing because he only managed to yank out like half the candy bar. Can't blame him; candy bars are friggin' delicious. Still, huge moron. Do you think he actually used that semi-colon back there? Not a chance. A proofreader had to put that in. He wouldn't know good grammar if it hit him in the face, which practically everyone at the office wants to do like four times a day. Point is, if you're actually taking time out of your busy day to pause and read his slack-jawed ramblings you're either an aficionado of legal copy -- which would be sad -- or just a huge Peyton Manning fan. Probably the latter. Peyton is a legend Did you know he has two ______ rings? (We can't mention the name of the ultra-mega-championship game or we'll get in trouble, which'd be ironic: in trouble for legal copy HA LOL!) And did you know Peyton holds the record for most career passing TDs (539) and yards (71,40)? Dumb ad guy is also a total football nerd. Total face-painter. And don't just casually ask him about his fantasy football team because you don't know what else to say to him, because he'll go on for like two hours about how he almost started this guy over this guy but then like a minute before the game he swapped them out and it got him a ton of fantasy points and bla bla bla please kill me. But whatever, as long as you're here, know this: if you don't give overprotective OtterBox cases as holiday gifts we will come to your house and do that trick where we put dog poop in a bag on your front porch and light it on fire and then ring the doorbell and run away and hide in your bushes and you open the door and see something on fire on your doorstep, and you totally panic and stamp it out. But you're not a hero; you just stepped on a flaming bag of poop! RIYBL! (Roll In Your Bushes Laughing!) Yes OtterBox is unapologetically overprotective. See? That's what you get for pausing and reading this: another shameless plug for our amazing cases. You should really go back to work now. Or napping. Or whatever you do all day. All this fake legal writing work is making me hungry. Go get me a candy bar wouldja? I mean, it's not like you're doing anything else important right now. Obviously. I mean, why are you still even here? GO home and see your wife and children. Girlfriend, Boyfriend. Dog. Cat. Fox. Actually, scratch that last one. We're not big fox fans. They're natural enemies of otters. Filthy predators. Ditto for wolves, coyotes, bears, mountain lions. On land anyway. In the water, otters are - pardon our French - badasses. Strong jaws and sharp teeth. Fast, agile swimmers. No one really messes with otters when they're chilling out in a river or something. So. That's pretty much it on otters. Is there something else important on your mind? Anything you want to get off your chest? I mean, now's the time. Consider me an objective ear to bend. A shoulder to cry on. An overprotective, incredibly durable, stylish OTTERBOX CASE! Ha! Gotcha again? If you just hang around here I'm going to keep peppering you with sales messages to get you to buy one of our cases as a holiday gift. But I'm running out of other stuff to say, honestly. I think I'll just cut & paste generic legal copy now. Not that most people - aside from you, Mr. or Mrs. Weirdly Bored & Curious - will notice. Here goes. This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Sell before date stamped on carton. Four-day old sushi is always a bad idea, regardless of the great price. Do not purchase if seal has been tampered with. Batteries not included. Some settling of contents may occur during shipping. Do not use whle operating a fictional rocket ship from an animated kids' movie, trying to break the sound barrier, or riding a dinosaur. This is not an offer to sell securities. The only thing we're trying to sell is awesomely durable OtterBox cases. Sorry, had to. Apply only to affected area. Overprotection may be too intense for some viewers. If condition lasts for more than four hours, consult your physician. As seen on TV. Or on your phone. Or on this laptop video screen or whatever you're watching now. May or may not contain a substantional amount of melted nacho cheese. Not affiliated with the governments and/or royal families of Andorra, Monaco, or Papua New Guinea. Gas mileage may vary. No need to avoid contact with skin. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Any rebroadcast, reproduction, or other use of OtterBox case is prohibited. No wagering. All rights reserved. For example, your right to finally stop reading this and please, please for the love of all that's good and decent, get back to your REAL life! Unless of course you want to miss this very last bit of knowledge I'm about to drop on you. Ready? Okay, here goes: MORE OTTER FACTS: All 13 species of otters found across the world are born to swim with streamlined bodies and webbed feet. A group of otters is called a "raft." Otters are social and love to play with each other. Their warm fur can keep them warm even in the chilliest of water. This holiday season buy an OtterBox case for a friend, loved one, relative, co-worker, ex-friend, dog catcher, postal worker or total stranger on the street. I mean, that would make some dude's day, right? Say, buddy, here's a brand new OtterBox Defender Series, Pursuit Series, or Symmetry Series case. But back to otters... they may also occasionally find and play with small stones. Okay, enough about otters. Seriously, now I'm done. I'm tired and it's super late, and everyone's gone home for the day, so the office is now open and sorta creepy. There's an urban legend around here that they fired some dude like thirty years ago and instead of just leaving, he snuck up into the attic storage area and sort of became a hermit. Lived off of leftovers from meetings. Foraged through peoples' office refrigerators. Showered at odd hours in the company fitness center. And I just heard some weird metallic clipping or snipping sound coming from above my ceiling panels. Like a guy trimming his beard or something. Which is also part of the legend: that he looks like some sort of deranged cave person. Rip van Winkle beard. Tattered, filthy rags. The whole hobo bit. So you can stick around if you want, knock yourself out, but I'm outta here. Good luck. And buy OtterBox Cases. We love them. Seriously. Because just before I was about to leave just now, the deranged ceiling hermit man crashed down into my ofice, right onto my desk, and tried to wrestle me. He smells awful. Like wet dog-meets-bratwurst. But anyway, the ensuing melee might have damaged my phone but since it had the OtterBox Defender Series on it, there wasn't a scratch on the thing! See? OVER-PROTECTIVE! Which I guess brings me to one final legal disclaimer: OtterBox cannot guarantee that device will remain scratch-free if a deranged, urban legend vagabond living in your ceiling who smells like wet dog and/or bratwurst suddenly falls on you and/or tries to wrestle you.

Submitted December 05, 2017 at 12:35AM by cripplingmemes_ http://ift.tt/2zPi2Md copypasta

garfield copypasta

I hate mondays Pookey, cover me. I'm going in. Sleeping beauty, wake upYou can stop dreaming about me,because I'm here now Just wake up You've got work to do. You're not just my owner... ...you're my primary care giverNot now, Garfield Alright, cut the sweet... easy now. Trying to cuddle with me, huh? Trying to avoid your duties, huh? Well that just ain't gonna fly! See, I'm doing my exercise,doing my job. Just one quick CANNONBALL- Good morning - Garfield! OK, I think you're clean enough now. Got your towel right here. No, Garfield! It's liver flavoured. MMM Delicious. Ugh, Liver! Actually, it's liver 'flavoured'. That was good breakfast. Now I think I'll fall off the Catkins dietand get myself a little high fat chaser. Garfield, look, the milk truck! Oh, thatta boy Nermal. The milk truck comes every day. Maybe not today. Maybe it's changing routes? Maybe this will be the last we'll ever see of him? We're cats,we like milk. Let's go for it. - No. - But... But nothing. I don't leave thecul-de-sac for anything. Out there it's a hornet's nest of trouble. Bad things happen out there, so I don't go out there. Besides,I've found, if you wait long enough. Everything comes to you. Here come the milk man. Here come the milk man. Hey, Nermal. Let's play Astronaut again today. - Yeah? - Yeah, I love that game- You're such a brave little Astronaut- Alright Prepare to jump into your spaceship,Commander Nermal. Whoa, whoa! What about the milk? Who needs milk when you can bein outer space? - We've got a secret mission today. - Yeah? You'll be exploring the Milky Way. I get the chills when you jump in yourlittle spacecraft. The nation thanks you. Prepare to blast off! Three, two, one! Bon Voyage! Look at me go! Don't look down! - Come to papa, baby - I can see everything up hereI can see my house! Got Milk? I can see the whole neighbourhood! Well that's nice. That's very nice. Hey, another milk truck! Ooh, and that is even nicer. I can see a whole...... Mission accomplished, NermalWhoa, Garfield. Do it again! Where did everybody go? You're on the wrong side of the street,Fat Cat... beat it! And you Luca are on the wrong side of theevolutionary curve. Ok, that's it. You're gonna get it good today. I make a point to get it good every day. The real question is, Luca:How shall I outwit you this time? - With simple maths? - I know how to spell. - Or shall I distract you with something shiny? - Now you're making fun of me. I hope so, you're no fun to look at. You'll never get the best of me.... I think I just did. Not the ducks again. Jump back! and kiss my skin. If I ever get off this chain,you're going down. Everybody back up! I dont know how wild this thing's gonna get. I love the smell of cinnamon apple inthe morning. - Smells like victory. - I hate this fat cat. So much time, and so little I need to do. Mouse! No thanks, I'm full. Get him, Garfield Get him, Jon Always gotta be smashing and crashing. Nobody poisons anymore. There's my ball. What good is a cat, that can't chase a mouse? I don't do the chase thing. I know you don't hear me. But can't you just listen? Louis, what are you doing in thehouse when Jon's home. Sorry Garfield, man I couldn't help it. Look, when he sees you he expectsmore from me. Don't you get that? Jon's got those macadamia nut cookies,I'm trying to maintain. - You understand? - Sure, as long as you understand... that I have to eat you. Good boy! See, I knew you coulddo it if you put your mind to it. You're the best cat a guy could have. Have you tasted yourself lately? Hey, it wasn't exactly the first-classlounge in there for me either. Get yourself lost, Louis. Take a powderfor a couple of days, get a haircut and grow a beard. Cool, I owe you one G << I've got a question for you. >><< Do you love your Cat? >>Finally, back on my regular schedule. << Make sure he has nothing but Kibbly Kat food >>That cat's puss is everwhere. TV, newspapers, t-shirtsI wouldn't want that kind of exposure (!)- Hey buddy - Cut the small talk What's in the bag? << Remember: Be Happy >>I'm happy when I'm with youYou delicate melange of tomato paste,cheese, ground meat and pasta! Garfield, don't even think about it. That's my food. I may just nibble. << Thanks Happy, and thank you for joining us >><< I'm Christopher Mello, remember: Be Happy >>Cut! Give me the Benadril! Damned cat allergies Any word from the network yet? No, but they're looking for a dog-acton Good Day New York. Dog act! Story of my life:Looking for a dog, and I'm stuck with a cat- But the segment went quite well- "But the segment went quite well" Of course it went well, you toad. The fifty housewives who saw it, loved it. << This is Walter J Chapman, reporting live from the Hague >>Oh, please. What a know-it-all. And everybody always said I was thehandsome one. I was the smart one And I was born first. But there you are, "live from the Hague",and I'm here working with this sack of danderon a dead-end regional morning show. << Back to you, Dan >> Garfield! Did you eat all four boxes of Lasagne? It's not my fault. They started it. What am I going to do with you? Love me, feed me, never leave me. Let's go for a ride to some place you lovethat always leaves you feeling pampered and refreshed. Oh I know, Chucky CheeseThank you! No, Wendys? Taco kitty? Well I'm stumped. Maybe olive garden, for you? The only time I leave my cul-de-sac iswhen Jon takes me to the Vet. Which he's been doing a lot recently. And it appears to have nothing to do with me. Jon must want to go for his own reason. Well, there's nothing wrong with GarfieldHe's just a happy, fat, lazy cat. No need for a second opinion. - I worry about him. - I know you do. Y'know, you care about himmore than any owner I've ever known. 'Him' has a name. Is this an HMO? Let's get Garfield in for his dip,I wanna talk to you, in private. She's so beautiful. Mr Pathetic, you've had a crushon her since High-School. Will you please ask her out so she can rejectyou, and we can get on with my life? I have to ask her out. - Wish me luck - Ok, go get 'em big tigerYou the man, you the fella, you the bossYou preach to her, show her how the co... you hopeless loser... Betty how about today you start me off witha Swedish massage, a manicure and a pedicureSeaweed wrap, loofa, belly rub, tail waxing... ...then crack my toes to finish. Jon, there's something important Ineed to ask you. Something I wouldn't ask most of theguys who come in here. No, wait. I think I know where this is going. You do? I do! Liz, I've wanted to ask youthe same thing for a very long time. Are you sure we're talking about the same thing? Absolutely I've never been more sure of anything in myentire life Liz, I'm ready to take a chance. I'm ready for... Thank you A dog? A dog, I'm ready for a dog. I think he likes you. Frisky little fella, isn't heHis name's Odie, and he's not going tomake it if he has to live his life in a cageHe needs to be loved. Well thank you, thank you very muchLadies and Gentlemen Nah, maybe not in my neighbourhoodHey, homer, I really gotta runGotta fly everybody, please, stay behind thesecurity fence. It's so great of you to come out and see me. But I've got somebody waiting for me,very devoted. Almost crippled. No, please, don't cry. I know what it's like to be unloved. Well, you do. I'll try to come back and visit. And if I don't, I'll try to write. Bye byeDoes anybody know this guy? Goodbye everybody - Garfield is leaving the building. Jon, you know, you don't have to dothis if you don't want to. No, no. It's okay. Some part of me has always wanted to know whatit's like to have a pet that actually wants to play with you. You're a good friend. One question: Am I still gorgeous? Jon, I think we've got a little problem here. Jon... I want you to know I can help the transitiongo smoothly. Jon, it's in my seat! Jon... We could all go out together. Park, dog-shows. Stuff like that - Jon... - Wait a minute, are you asking me out? Jonny-boy, the time has come to get acar-alarm! You're not gonna believe it! A mongrel-mutt has broken into your car. Garfield, this is Odie. He's coming home with us. Whoa: you went in there to get a date,and came out with a dog? Well that's bad even for you. Oh you're so sad. Oh no no no... We're not bringing a dog home with us. Hey, I ride shot-gun! What are you lookin' at, tick-boy? Jon, it's not too late. Quickly, turn around,before he finds out where we live! Please take this trouser-sniffer back! Come on Odie This is your new home. Come on Buddy Jon... You had me, a chick-magnet. And now you got a tick-magnet. Garfield, Jon brought a dog home. I am aware, Nermal. Why would he do a thing like that? Gee, I don't know, Nermal. It just seems like a weird thing to do, bringinga dog into a house that already has a cat. Can we drop it? I mean, it's no big deal. It's just a splattered bug on the windshield of my life. A dimwitted, smelly, goofy splattered bugthat I will deal with appropriately and enthusiastically. Come on! As you can see, I'm still Jon's favourite. See you later, Garfield. Good luck with the bug thingThis is payback for the liver thing, isn't it? Payback, ha ha ha This is your new home Odie. That's my office over there. The TV over there. The kitchen. Go see the house. Why don't you draw him a map? Ok, I've got to remain calm, that's allJon's a cat-guy, not a dog-guy This'll last a week, maybe ten days. Tops. Boy this puppy is stupid gone wildNah, this is just a bad dream. I'm going to close my eyesand when I open them, everything will be back to normal. Nyagh! That's not normal. Not close. Oh great, dog-cooties. Somebody innoculate me please? This is a nightmare. I just need alittle quality time with man's real best friend. Television. No, no. no. Hey, new guy. Let me hip ya to the rules, ok. Number one: That's my chair. Alright, I even see you raise a leg,and it's on, it's go time, pal. Very well. Y'know, I may just have a mentaladvantage on this guy. Leave me alone. I'm not kidding, Yodel Odie. Pop a worm pill, and hit theroad, I'm busy. You wanna play? Fine. You can be my new astronaut! You go jump in the pail, andwe'll shoot you into outer space. Come on, it's real simple! Here, I'll even throw your ball in there. Follow the ball and jump in the pail. Come on, Odie Just like this, come on over here andjust jump right into the pail and help me. No, just in here like this... Uh oh - don't touch that! Oh no! Houston, we have a problem. Odie, Get off the pail. Ok, time for a new game. It's called my claw in your foot gameCome here I'll just use my left clawIf my legs were longer I'd have caughtyou by now - come here! Just wait for one second. Slow... down... Well, well, well I've got you now fat catHey Luca - is that a new chain you're wearing? Fella? Looks good on ya You look great. You been working out? Oh I've been waiting years for this. Would that be regular years,or dog-years? Get away from me pipsqueak! You're nothing but a... Luca, this is Odie. Odie, Luca. Luca, do me a favour and eat himfor me would you please? Garfield, are you alright? I think so. Luca's about to have Odie for lunch. If it wasn't for Odie, you'd be Luca's chew-toyYeah, he saved your life. Odie's a hero! Why? Because I wasn't ripped to shreds? No: Odie's an imbecile,until further notice. Hey Moondust, if I were you I'd grab a nicepiece of carpet Jon doesn't let me sleep up-topEver. Odie... You wanna sleep in the bed? Ok What? Good boy. You wanna sleep on the bed tonight? Yes I do. Yes... I think I'm going to blow cat chow chunksGood night Odie Good night Garfield Great, wish me luck with the nightmaresAnother day ruined. Oh, you little suck up! Whoa baby No. Down. Down dumb dog What part of 'no' don't you understand? The push off the chair? I don't wanna play Oh, look... What am I supposed to say? Thanks for saving my hide with Luca? Ok, thanks for saving my hide with Luca. Get off! Where was I? Right here. Whoa, that was a cheap shot. Hit a guy when he's not looking? Ok... Oh, excuse me, I think you may haveforgotten something. I saw this and I thought, I was pretty sureit was your... Watch out! You see, you can't touch this. That's right. Don't sneak up on me, baby. Oh, come on with that! Get that weak step outta here! Is that butt broken? No it's something like this here.... Can you do this? Shouldn't those hips be in the shop? Walk this way please... I'ma walking the dog Let's step it up a little bit,something like this.... Whoa, look at this! Watch out now! Watch out for this thing! You probably should've practiced in thegarage before you stepped up to someone of my level. Bash up! Maybe something a little bit more challenging. How about this? Look who's here on the porch. I'm walking the porch. I'm holding the torch, I'm ready to scorch. Hey! Look, Garfield's dancing with Odie. They're like buddies now! Odie, what are you doing here? I was doing a solo dance,and a creepy dog comes up next to me... Did you guys see that? Thank you fellas, thank you. Uh oh, here's more trouble. Look at the goony look on his face! Come here Odie Taking him back to the vet? You're taking him back to the kennel, right? Are you putting him up for adoption? Hey Garfield, Jon's taking Odie on hisdate with Liz and he's leaving you behind! I know, Nermal They're off on an adventure,and you're still here! And your point is? Well, that's gotta feel badBeing left by Jon, while he takes Odie out. It's like you're not his favourite anymore. Hey, whaddya say we play brain surgeon? Would you go get my powertools? This is so sad. Jon has completely lost his mind. He doesn't realise how important I am to him. I need to be so understanding of himat this difficult time. Hey, wait up! Wait up for me! You forgot me! Slow down! Please slow down! I'm right back here! I think I've pulled a hamstring! It's ok. I'm on, relax. Car broke my nose.... Yeah, go on ahead, I'll catch up with you. It's probably only a mild concussion. Or a skull fracture. Maybe I'll get a cat-scan? A cat-scan! Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the Dog Show! But what if I compromised a little? How aboutI do the rolling around with the yarn-ball thing? And I'll purr. I'll purr like a Ferrari! Make that a Jaguar. I won't climb drapes though, that's morethan you'd get from some dumb... dog. Oops, dogs. What, you're all going to take it personally? Now I'm gonna die. Now I really am gonna die! Excuse me! Can I get through here? Going under this tarp. That's my ear. Owners, maintain control of your dogs! Control your dogs now! Music! Music, you idiot! Yeah, play the music.... That's my bad knee, stop itAlright, feet don't fail me now! I apologise for this, please excuse this outburstThis is highly irregular. Odie. Odie. Come back Odie. Ok, alright, I need a rideMadam, I'm a cat in trouble. I'm hitching a ride in your moo-mooCome on, let's move! Come on pinky, move it out! Sorry, sorry! Move move move, Pinky, Move Pinky move! We certainly have a new star in the arena. Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing! Talented little fella, huhYah Pinky! They're gaining on us Pinky! A cat's life is at stakeExcuse me ma'am, Please call 911 ! This is exactly what I deserve anywayI promise if I survive,I'll never compete with a dog againOk, you got me, but before I say goodbye... Oh isn't this the final irony,look who's here to witness this:The mail man! You're so stupid! Odie, come here! That's a good boy! That, is one talented dog! Y'know, this is exactly the kind of dogthat could have a future in television. Oh, thank you Mr Chapman,but Odie's just my pet. and that's all I really want him to beYou're kidding? No. Ok Well, this is for you. And this is for you if you happen tochange your mind... you just ring me up and say"Hello, hello, I changed my mind" "I wanna be a star!" - Ok - Ok Let's hear it for Odie! Our winner today: a fabulous dancing puppy called Odie. Never leave the cul-de-sacNever leave the cul-de-sacNever leave the cul-de-sacI'm home. - I had fun today, thank you- Yeah, me too Would you like to come in? Not today I knew that. I'm sorry Jon, I wanna come over, just not today. I have to cover for another vet. Oh, really? How's Sunday? Sunday's great. Sunday's good. Sunday. So I'll see you Sunday. Why, why has this happened? I was the one! It was all about me. Not about some stupid, snivelling,smelly, high-maintenance Disco Dog. Oh no. You just can't do this Jon. He's trying to tear us apart, don't you see that? You know me. I'm too lazy to try todestroy your house. I was provoked, pushed, prodded,driven mad. You can't kick me out of my own house,like I'm some kind of animal. Oh come on Jon.... Jon.... You know I'm scared of the dark. I used to have Jon to myself. Day or night, there was noone else. From dawn to dusk, my meals would come. I'd lounge about in my homeBut now I'm out in the cold night. All alone, til the dawn's first light. I'm in a new-dog state of mind. Used to think I had a homeA special place to call my ownBut now the dog's in, and I'm out. I've got no Jon, I've got no cloutI'm in a new-dog state of mind. Leave me alone. You've won. You're inside, with him. And I'm out here, all by myself. Odie. You came out here to be with me? I'm touched And you must be touched in the head! Bring out the dog, Bring in the cat See ya in the morning little fellaYou know, a puppy needs a little tough-love,every now and then. I think it builds character. Hello Pookey - miss me? Y'know what: I'm going to make it up to Odie tomorrow. I'm going to teach him how to drink out of the toilet. Poor Odie. That cat is such a pig. Garfield's a pig? You never put the dog out at nightWhy not? Because dogs run away. Sure Jon, I'll eat all your lasagne for you... Oh look, what do we have here.... You're a lost dog. Well, we can fix that. Oh, do I feel good this morning. I slept like a fat cat Hey tall dark and human,What's for breakfast? Odie! Where are you boy? Relax, I think he was gonna camp outOdie? Well, he probably had a sleep over at Luca's,I think.... Odie? Maybe he's fetching the paperfor the neighbours? Where is that silly dog? I can't go on like this any more Wendel. I've got to get a dog. I think that's a lovely idea. I know you've been sad and lonely since the divorceand I've tried to be your friend... Not for me, you imbecile, for the act. If I could get my hands on areally talented dog. Walter J. just choke on his EmmyLike Odie? Yeah Yeah now he was good. Oh yeah Y'know he was kindy dopey-lookingand spry and... Lost? Hi, it's Jon. I was just calling to see ifOdie's been over there. I can't find him around. My name is Jon Arbuckle... ...and I can't find my dog. I've looked all around the neighbourhood,and I can't seem to find him. He was home last night, but I haven'tseen him this morning.... if you see him, give me a call please. Hi it's Jon, I was calling to see if you'd seenOdie, I think he's run away. I was giving him a bath last night, andI forgot to put his collar back on. Because Garfield hates his collar. He's about 15 pounds, he's brownish yellowwith big floppy ears.... Would you mind getting that? I'm offering a reward. Yes, that's right. And he answers to the name of.... - Hi. - Hi. I'd say the refrigerator is unguarded. Wha, what are you doing here? We're having dinner, remember? Right. Dinner, the two of us. Tonight. Of Course. - Shall I come in? - Yeah? Yeah, come on in. Liz, I have a confession... It's not really a confession,it's more of an admission. It's a, you know it's like a declaration. - I have a.... - I love it when you do that- Do what? - Y'know, trip over yourself. It's cute... It's one of the reasons whyI had a crush on you in high-school. - You had a crush on me? - Yeah.... I thought you were really cute, decent,not like all those other jerks. I don't believe it, I had a crush on you too. - Isn't that funny... - Yeah... Hillarious. So um, what's your confession,admission, declaration? Actually, um, I forgot about our dinner... yeah. That's ok, I can go? No, no. I'm glad you're here. Let me just get my jacket andthen we'll go. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I've waited forthis night my entire life... If you tell her the truth, you'll feelmuch better. And you wont have to see her any more. It's kindacreepy having a vet around the house anyway. I can't go out and pretend that nothing'shappened, can I? Well, I sure could. The one thing you can't do is tell herthe dogs gone... - I gotta tell her. - No. - I've gotta to tell her. - No! That's not what I said! Schmuck Liz. We can't go out tonight. - Why not? - Odie's run away. - What? - He got out last night... I feel terrible. I call the pound,I put up posters, I looked everywhere...but I can't find him. Why didn't you just tell me? I guess I figured he was the onlyreason you were spending time with me. - Come on. - No, I'm serious. No, I mean let's go find him. How can this dog be such a problemwhen he's not even here anymore? Well I'm not gonna worry about him. I believe you found my dog. He answers to Odie. - Odie. - Family name Oh, Odie. Come on! There you are! I can live again now. How could I ever repay you? An autograph would be splendid. Then splendid it shall be. << come on, boy >> This is ridiculous. Hey: what are you looking at? Nothing, just looking for some company. - Keep walking creepo. - What's going on? We know how much you hated Odie. We know how much you wanted him gone. Wait a minute... all I wanted wasto sleep in my own bed... And to do it you cast Odie out intothe cold, cruel world? We saw how you locked Odieoutside last night. Oh I don't believe you guys,I didn't know he was gonna run away. He's a dumb dog, no offence Luca. Uh, what? You can't blame me for that... Any one of us could be next. Yeah, there's no room for anybodyelse in Garfield's world. Oh that's a little dramatic. Well I may have been a little toughabout protecting my turf,...but I don't hate the guy. << I understand Happy has a big surprise for us, >><< a special treat... >><< What have you got for us, Happ? >><< Ah, guten morgan, Chris >><< I have been working with a very special new friend... >><< And I would like to introduce him to all of you... >><< "Odie Schnitzel" >> Lookie here, It's Odie! And he's safe and sound. Although he seems to have foundan alternative lifestyle. He still can't dance. Well this gets me off the hook withJon and the gang. Now, I'm gonna be the hero. << That's one talented dog >><< I'm glad you think so Chris, >><< because I have a little announcement to make >><< Old Happy Chapman and Odie Schnitzel >><< are going to be climing aboard that >><< New Amsterdam Ltd. at 3pm >><< bound to New York city, where we have >><< the opportunity to be regular contributors on >><< "Good Day New York" >>That's his last name? Schnitzel? Thank you for all your help yesterday... You were great. Jon, Odie's on TV. And he's wearing Lederhosen. I'm sorry, Garfield. Not now. I upped the reward to $200, and I'mgoing to put up some more posters tomorrow. He's clog-dancing I think...wearing Lederhosen. I'm sorry, Garfield. Not now. You're gonna miss this... I'm sorry Liz, I'll call you later. Garfield's being... Garfield. Do I have to bark like Lassie? Come on! Humour me, would ya? Arf! Arf! Arf! Quickly! While we're young. Today, let's go! << "Remember: Be Happy" >>You're gonna miss this: he's the small one. The small one in the guy's hands.... Garfield... I'm not in the mood. Y'know, it's never good when you turn offmy TV, and this may be the worst ever. Odie's not ready. He's months of positive reinforcementaway from consistently performing. Happy. You promised you'd never use that. That collar is inhumane. This collar... ...is the dog's future. Do you have a problem with that? Now we'll see how smart youreally are... Happy Chapman. Not now Garfield. Jon, you're denser than ever! I gotta think outside the box. Hey: the box! Wait a second... My box. My box had something on it. "Applejacks", "Frosty Flakes", "Coco Puffs"... "Kibbly kat!", Yes! There it is: Telegraph Tower! That's where they make the"Happy Chapman" show. Yeah, but, how far away can that be? Hmm, a paw? A paw and a half maybe? This is a done-deal. I can do this! No. Can't do this! Reached physical limits! Shouldn't have tried it without snacks! Must go back, and re-load. And that's the sign that the tank is full... I can do this. Beyond this intersection,is just another intersection. and another, and another. On the otherhand... I wonder if there's any meatloafleft in the fridge? No, now is not the time for aplate of meatloaf. Now is the time for a plate of courage. Ladies and Gentlemen: Garfield! ...has left the cul-de-sac. Now that's more my style. Oh, Taxi. Step on it, will ya driver? No, Odie's not a hound-dog. Yes I'm sure. No, I don't want another dog. Thanks anyway. Garfield, lunchtime. I made your favourite, Lasagne. Garfield? Garfield. Where are you? Can anyone direct me to thepink building shown on the back of the Kibbly Kat box? It's the one right next to the blueand orange tree. This doesn't feel pink building-ish... Rats? Rats the size of... Rats! - Stop Why am I being surrounded here? Some of my best friends are vermin. Finally, some meat. Meat, no. It's not meat. They measured: it's 100% body fat. No nutritional value whatsoever. Hey, body fat's good with us. - Garfield. - Louis! Hey, what's going on here? - Louis, my friend! - Come on I've got 3000 tiny mouths to feed. Garfield? What are you doing here? Besides defending my life? Jon got a dog. Dog got kidnapped by a TV star. ...I'm trying to rescue him. Seems like you got yourselfin a jam, huh? Wish there was something I could doto help you out... Louis, I think you and I have an accountstill, remember? The Macadamia-nut cookies? I do love the MacadamiasSorry rat-pack. This cat's with me. You all gotta roll. Go ahead, roll out. Who wants to go to the Red Lobster alley? Maybe next time, little critters. Good luck with the plague and rabies and everything. Don't push your luck, fat cat. Garfield, you can't just be wanderingaround the city... There are dangers everywhere... Potholes, subways, animal control. You think you could get me toTelegraph Tower? Two more cookies and you got a deal,but you gotta keep it on the down-low. How down-low do we have to go? Yo, Garfield, are you with me? Louis, this is a little bit lower thanI expected. If I didn't have a box over my head,I'd be humilated. Alright, we're almost there. Now when I give you the signal,you gotta cross the street. - Way over there, by the horizon? - Come on, Garfield! Wait up! Wait up! Am I dead? - Garfield, don't move! - Don't move? - Not a problem. - Just wait for the Walk signal. It's a stampede! If I could just get away from this herd. Garfield? Garfield, where are you? Garfield, get down from there, man! No, I'm not coming down. I'm happy tolive the rest of my life up here, thank you. Liz! Liz! - What's wrong? - Garfield's gone. I think he's run away too. First Odie, and now Garfield. Liz, I am the worst pet-owner onthe planet. What happened? I can't find him, you gotta help me. I can't live without Garfield. Let's start at the park. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Garfield. Relax! - Look we're here. - We're here now? "Curve Service" The Telegraph Tower, in all it's splendour. It looks much smaller on the box. You gotta go all the way up there? Good luck, player. I'll catch ya later, I don't do thevertical thing. - Thanks a lot, partner. - Oh yeah, hold up G. - What? - Watch out for the popo, you know... The 5-0. Controlo. Animal Control, man! oh, that popo (!) Keep it squeal. Thanks partner. I can't try the door. I couldn't handle another stampede. First thing, Monday morning. I'm going to get to work on losing thoselast 20 pounds. Ok, everything looks good out there. Looks like we've got ourselves a blockage. Guess we'll just purge the system. Pardon me, that wasn't my stomach, was it? Ah,there's a cooling breeze. Nyagh, my poor nose! Jon, stop the car! It's Odie. Somebody found him! - 52903 Euclid Street. - Let's go Odieeeeeeee. Ooooodd. Oooodster Oood-man This rescue thing is exhausting. When do heroes get to eat? Oh my, it's Odie! Oooodie. I've found ya. I'm so sorry I got you into this mess. Look, we kinda got off on the wrong paw. But, come on, you can be really annoying sometimesand you don't give me enough space. And you're a major league suck up... but we have a common purposeWe share Jon. Jon needs us even more. And, I kinda want you back home too. So: stand back. Almost there.... You think he's ready for the audition? Well, why don't you see for yourself? Come on, Odie. Showtime. "Good Day New York" - I know you'regonna flip for Odie because hesure is flipping for you... A shock-collar? That's inhumane. Hot doggy... - When does our train leave? - Two hours Poor Odie. He faces a future oftorture, neglect and degradation. Hey nobody gets to mistreat my dog like that,except me. I'll be right behind ya, little buddy. Gravity, do your thing! Y'know, I think I had a nightmare likethis once... Once again, my life has been savedby the miracle of Lasagne. I said Limo, not taxi, do you know the difference? Odie here I come. Don't worry, fella, I'll rescue you. - Gotcha - Huh? Well, what have we got here? Looks like we got us a cat with no tags. Hey, there's an animal felony happening rightthere behind you. I'm trying to do some rescue work here, palWelcome to my world, Red. This is police brutality. I have tags. I just left them in myother fur. This is abusive, now. This is abuse. - What is with the cage? - Ok, lock her down. Oh no this is insulting. You knowI'm house-trained. - Settle down people - Oh, I oughta give you a bunch of fives, pal. This is all a terrible mistake. I was trying to save a friend. He's not very smart, he needed my help. I don't belong in here. I have an owner. I'm not a stray. - Hi, I'm Jon Arbuckle - Hi I think you have my dog, Odie? I think you're mistaken. No, I saw the flyer. Odie's my dog. No, he's Happy Chapman's dog. Happy Chapman? The gentleman with the cat onChannel 37. He came and took Odie home. Odie's a family name, y'know? Well, good day. Happy Chapman took Odie. He's got Garfield too? I don't know. But we're gonna find out. Could you please be quiet. Guards, Guards! Oh this really is too much. Persnikitty! Happy Chapman's cat! What are youdoing in here? I 'was' his cat. until I outlived my purpose. Then he replaced me with a dog. and dumped me in this wretched place. All humans are the same. Not Jon, my owner. No way, he only does what's bestfor me. He puts up with me, then he feeds me. And he lets you vacation in thischarming animal pound. Hello? Not for long, Persnikitty. Would you please just stop calling me that. My name isn't really Persnikitty... It's Sir Roland. Sir Roland? Yes, another one of Happy Chapman'sacts of cruelty. I was trained in the classical theatre,you know... But now, I'm a "Celebrity Cable Cast-off Cat" with a name I can never live down. Well, this may hurt a little then,I'm trying to rescue the dog that replacedyou, Persnikitty. I mean, Roland. Happy and Odie are getting on a train in lessthan two hours, going to New York to become regulars on"Good Day New York". Wait a minute: did I just hear that right? You're a cat that's trying to rescue a dog? It's true. I know, it's a crime againstnature, at first I thought he was a pain, but,he's grown on me. Like a wart you wannahave removed until you realiseit defines you, in some funny way. Do you know, that is absolutelycharming? Let me ask you a question, chubby. What are you talking about? How could you understand? He's my friend. Oh, my gosh. How low have I sunk? Guard, may I have some shoelaces please. Well, hello there. Right on time. Alright, I need a five-catline up right now. What's going on? Adoption. It's like one of us is gettingoutta here. So, here to look at a cat? Alright, let's see if we can't take care of that. Come on boys, lets hurry it upCan I say, your hands are freezing. Come here - You are heavy. - Excuse me, muscle weighs more than fat. Check this. Alright, line it up. Paws on the white line. Tails in the air. I don't need to be adopted guys. My guy Jon is coming to get me, I'm sure. - That one! - Really? She picked me, she picked me. She picked me, she picked me. No, not that one. That one. The one that looks like the cat on TV. Back it up, Red. Sorry love, better luck next time. Now you be careful. That's sore. Jon's going to be here infive minutes anyway. When I give the signal, run like a mad-cow. - What? - Don't you want to save your friend? - Do I really have to run? - Now! Eat Hairball, Happy Chapman. We've got runners! We've got runners! Stop! You've not been cleared for release! Garfield's been here. Excuse me, can I help you guys with something? We're looking for Happy Chapman. Yeah he's on his way to the train station,he's going to New York. Do you guys have a pass, or something? Thanks Hello, excuse me. << Your attention please >><< The Amsterdam Ltd. is now departing >><< from Platform 12 >> All aboard! All Aboard! Good afternoon, Gentlemen. What will you be having today? Salmon, Steak or Lasagne? Steak. I hate Lasagne. Beep Beep! Cat coming through! Beep Beep! Going through the tunnel. I just had to do that. << Final call for the new Amsterdam Ltd. >><< The Amsterdam Ltd. is now departing from Platform 12 >>No... wait... please. Stop. Wait. Don't! You monster Chapman. I can't out-run a train. Watch the train, pal. Hey, I got it. It's just a train set, only bigger. - Oh no, we're too late. - No... ...we're gonna stop that train. Come on. Somewhere around here There's got to be a big tableWith all the trains on it. He looks like the type. And this must be where he's gothis little table... I'm very sorry sir, there's simply no wayto stop that train. You don't understand, you have tostop the train. My dog and my cat are on that train. I suppose if Jon can do this, I can. Ok, we gotta find our train. Let's see what happens when I do this... << Boston Express switching to track 18. >>Oh, I'm sorry. The folks in Boston are going to be a little late today. Let's see what happens when I do this... - << Warning, Seattle Wind... >>- No, I don't care about Seattle. Ma'am, I'm looking for one train in particular. Just one second, I'm trying to findmy train. - << The New Amsterdam Ltd. >>- There's the Amsterdam. - << Warning: collision 20 seconds >>- Gosh, you sound like my mother. Hold up, everybody stop! - Five, four... - Stop what you're doing... Ok, everybody - let's take it from the top. - You have to stop that train... - Hold on. I'll be down to meet you at the station, Odie. Actually, that train has stopped. It's returning to the station. Are we on the right train? Where are ya? I think I recognise that whine. Come on: see, these are the kinda seatsyou get when you book at the last minute. Good to see you, partner. Let's get outta here. << Your attention please: the New Amsterdam Ltd. >><< Is making an unscheduled stop on Platform 12 >>- Sir, please take your seat. - No, no... my future is travelling away from me. Will ya slow down? I've been doing this running thing all day,and I am over it. We're safe now, we're free. - Oh, if it isn't Unhappy Chappy. - Going somewhere? Nice accessory, but I don't think Iwanna play dress up with you, pal. Let's get out of here. Let's beat it. Oh, right in the nose again! So it's gonna get physical, is it? Did you really think you could justrun away from Happy Chapman? Oh is this a cry for help. No dumb, dirty animal is ever gonna getthe better of me. And lets see how you feel with 200 voltscoursing through that thick canine skull of yours. - Chapman... - Come here. Get your hands off of my friend! Hey boomer, what round is it? - Good to see you, Chubby. - We're here to help - Sir Roland? - In the fur. Alright, here's the drill. Cats, scratch like you've never scratched before. Dogs, bite... but don't chew. and rats. See if you can get thatpretty necklace around his neck. Canines, Felines and Vermines... It's show time! Thanks boys. Thanks boys. The home team will take it from here. Better split before Animal Controlgets here. Hey Garfield, take it easy. Garfield good luck. Odie would you mind sharing the remote,please? Every dog has his day, Happy. - Nice Kitty. - Let's see what's on the news... Let me tell you something, Happy. To you Odie might be just a dumb, stupid,smelly dog. But to me... he's all that and much more. He's my friend. Odie, try something else. Maybe there's a game on? Strong finish little buddy. Odie, Garfield? - Odie? - Odie? Be Happy. This is for stealing my dog and my cat. He didn't steal me. I was doing the rescue work. Garfield! Odie! Come here! I missed you guys so much. I was so worried about you... Never gonna let you out of mysight again. Never. You guys are my best friends. You have me, but hello. << This is Walter J. Chapman with breaking news from >><< the Midwest. >> << Abby Shields reporting, >><< whatcha got for me, Abby? >><< Details are sketchy, but it appears that >><< a derranged man >> << may be the cause of all the trouble here. >>A derranged man? What is this? << Police are bringing the suspect out >><< as we speak >> Good grief, it's my idiot brother. Hey - that's Happy Chapman! He's going for a ride in a Police car. << But sources tell me that this incident somehow >><< involved a dog and a very heroic cat. >>- Garfield! He saved Odie. Now he's a hero! - Oh, I didn't realise. - Garfield's on TV - he's a hero! Garfield! Garfield's a hero now! Thanks everybody We're a whole street full of heroes- It's nice to be recognised by your peers. - I couldn't have done this without you. You're a really great friend. Jon, I wanna be more than your friend. - Me? - Yeah. Where do they find the energy? Yeah, just one big happy family. Yeah, right. Hit the floor. No, seriously, you can come up buddy. Seriously, come on up. Down you go. We just hit it off so well,because we both love the same thing... and that is: Me! Whoa! << I feel good >> << I knew that I would now >><< I feel good >> << I knew that I would now >><< So good >> << So good >> << I got you >> << So good >> << So good >> << I got you >> Oops Hey Odie, help me... I can't get up!

Submitted November 14, 2017 at 10:28PM by thramforthejam http://ift.tt/2AKigVV copypasta