Having a huge problem figuring out what to do. I know it seems like BREAK UP is the right option. I feel it probably is. And yet. It still feels wrong... I feel like I want to throw up, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't function at work.
Never thought I would stay with someone who betrayed me like this, but here we are.
We have been together around 14 months. We moved in together 3 months ago. I got a job offer out of state and he decided to move with me. Prior to this move we were long distance and saw each other every other weekend, and talked all day every day and skyped every night, with week-long trips scattered in there too. Since moving in, it's been the best few months of my life. Until Friday.
I was looking something up in his email (this is normal for us, and was not snooping- literally never had any reason to distrust him) when I saw he had a Plenty of Fish message from late May. Investigation ensued and I discovered he had made an account and been active on it for 1 week, the month before we moved in together. I called him, he rushed home from work and we had the worst fight ever. Really it was him crying and apologizing and me screaming and him taking it. He was unable to articulate why he did it, just kept saying "I don't know". He insisted he only met up with one person, and nothing physical happened. He said the girl that showed up wasn't attractive/didn't look like her pictures and he felt guilty so they just parted ways after the meal. I screamed that he was "trickle-truthing" me (if you can't tell I've lurked this sub before lol) and also, "so if she had been attractive that would have been enough to overcome your guilt and something WOULD have?" to which he, defeated sounding, replied "no- maybe- " but then launched back into how "but nothing DID happen", as though that makes much of a difference at all, if true. Obviously the intent to cheat is what matters here...
Anyway it was a long painful weekend of crying and trying to mend things and him promising to be better etc. He told me I was free to look at all his social media at all times. I looked at his snap chat and saw a snap from some girl Tiffani a few weeks ago, demanded to know who it was like an insane person, he said just some girl he knew from home to replied to his snap story.
But then this morning I still felt paranoid so tried to find her in his other social media and couldn't. I freaked out again accusing him of lying (on the phone, me about to leave for work and him at work on break) and the truth came out that she was a girl he exchanged info with on the snap chat subreddit and they had been exchanging pics. Keep in mind, only like 2 weeks ago.
At this point I told him we were done and he was coming home right now and packing and moving back to his home state. But even as I said it I didn't want it to be true, I wanted it to all just go away and us to be like we were before, starting to talk about engagement timelines and being together forever...
Is there a way to get through this? His explanation for what he did is as follows. This was not his initial explanation, his initial explanation was just crying and repeating that he's an asshole and a slimeball and he doesn't know why he does these things. But I told him if there was even a tiny shred or glimmer of hope of us staying together I needed some real introspection from him about why he did this. So after a lot of thought and silent tears on his part this is what he told me very shakily.
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He feels a need for attention from "strange girls", hence sending body pictures to random people online, and it is exciting to him
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the reason this is exciting to him is because he feels like compliments and attention from people who don't know and love him are more exciting than a compliment from his partner, because his partner "has" to think he's hot but it's objective with strangers so it feels more true
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He has actually done that online to both of his previous long term girlfriends, but they never found out about it
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He thought it was "harmless" because he thought I would never find out about it; note that we have discussed boundaries before and I specifically said any sort of body photo exchange with another person is off limits for me
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for the POF date, he just wanted to see what it was like to meet new girls "one last time" before moving to be with me "forever".
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Acknowledged what a shithole he is and that I deserve way better but that he desperately wants to be with me
Things he has proposed to do to prove he won't do anything again, some of which are absurd:
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get rid of his smart phone and use a flip phone that can only make calls and texts
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install a keylogger and parental controls on our computer so he can only use it for gaming
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install security cameras in our house so I can see if he's home
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go to individual therapy to deal with his issues, and to couples counseling with me if we decide to stay together (this one is reasonable)
While these thoughts do bring me comfort, they also make me feel like wtf type of relationship am I in that those are required. That sounds fucking insane. However, I still love him and I want to be with him...
I also feel like if he had admitted to the snapchat thing when I first found it instead of lying again, while promising transparency moving forward, this would be much easier for me.
To be honest, the POF date is something I could have gotten over fairly easily if it wasn't for the snapchat thing stacked on top. I don't know why, but maybe because we have gotten a lot closer the past few months of living together, especially after making a cross country move together, and I genuinely felt like he wouldn't do something like that were we where we are now.
For the record, I absolutely worshipped the ground he walked on and gave him a ton of attention and compliments. We were having sex 5-6 days a week since moving in and had a very healthy sex life. I never in 5 trillion years thought him capable of this.
As a last note before I ask for advice I want to list some things that are good and sweet about him because sometimes I wish that was included on other peoples posts so I was able to better emphasize with the OP rather than being like "LOL DUMP HIM IDIOT" even if that is the proper course of action. I know that they do not make up for cheating. I just am including them...
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if i message him i'm having a rough day, he runs me a bath for when I get home and then reads me harry potter aloud
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always brings me coffee/tea/snacks when he sees me curled up doing work from home, without me ever asking
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knew I wanted to learn how to dance but is typically shy in public/hates dancing so surprised me with dvd dance course together
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scratches my back until I fall asleep
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his job focuses on taking care of sick people and he is really compassionate and caring with them
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leaves me little love notes on the refrigerator when he has to wake up before me for work
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makes my heart feel like it's going to explode (in a good way) when i look into his eyes
I know he fucked up and is disloyal, but I also know he does want to be with me on some level, because he left his entire family, his job, and every friend he has to move 1000 miles to be with me, having never moved out of his hometown before. He got a new job here and has been working overtime so we can afford to fly home to visit my parents for christmas. I think that is one of the hardest things, it would be easier to write off if he hadn't sacrificed so much to make the relationship possible, but his actions really did tell me he wanted to build a life with me.
Thank you in advance and please be kind, I'm already a basket case and I know I might sound like a doormat from this post so far. Advice from people who forgave and were able to rebuild is most desired but I understand that is a rarity.
tl;dr: bf of 1 year cheated on me, MAYBE not physically, but perhaps (i'll never know). He has proposed seemingly eliminating all the ways to cheat again in an effort to stay together. Seeking advice on how to get through it or if I even should. I want to. I really want to.
Edit: re read and changed that he said he would have cheated had the girl been hot. He actually said "no, maybe, I don't know, no" which i took to mean yes. But i thought I'd put it in his actual words for posterity's sake
Submitted September 11, 2017 at 08:11PM by lostandhurt69 http://ift.tt/2jiLbLN relationships
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