Last week I said fuck it and cleaned all my clothes. All of them. I knew it would still be in the drying machine by the time my Nmom would be back, and that she would be at least pissed at me for making noise. I remember it was on a hot day. So it was hot inside. When Nmom came back, she complained about the heat, said I was making it worse by using the machines, said she did not remember teaching me to do the laundry (I'm not a minor anymore, I've know only since I was 16 how to do the laundry because she insisted on me not using the machines before she taught me, and when she did, she gave me restrictions like never mix our clothes, never do small loads of clothes and never use it while she was home) meaning she was about to scold me for breaking at least 3 rules of this "house". She complained about the heat again, all the while turning on her gaming PC.
But hey, I've been able to be completely in clean clothes. Even my vest smelled like laundry instead of cigarettes like when Nmom do laundry. This might not seem like much... But I felt clean. Hygienic. I didn't feel anxious about my smell when I was working with a fellow classmate.
So here's a few updates on my situation: I'm moving out before the end of the month with a family member in "good terms" with my Nmom. I've already got all my stuff packed (and boy it's a lot of stock for only one room) and first thing when I'm moved out, I'm giving most of it to charity/selling what's worth too much money to give away, without someone snooping behind and putting stuff backvin my room because she wants it but don't have room for it. I'll be paying for a rent with food and internet included, meaning even if it costs more than my current rent, I will be able to have two meals a day instead of 0.5 meal a day.
And now here's something I noticed about Nmom's house: when I stop cleaning it every day like I did for years, it does not get cleaned often. I still clean sometimes as a courtesy even if I don't eat there and all my stuff is already packed or moved out. Funny conversation I had with Nmom last month after I cleaned the bathroom: "Oh thanks you for cleaning. You know, I don't feel motivated to clean anymore because in a matter of hours, it gets dirty again" while she proceeds to throw her dirty clothes on the bathroom's floor literally 2 meters away from the laundry back. Another from the kitchen; there was a brown liquid puddle in the refrigerator and I asked if we were gonna clean it soon, her answer was: "oh I don't do the groceries, [her boyfriend] does. So not my responsibility, not my problem."
She's a goddamn child.
Also she is obsessed with the fact I took some (much-needed) weight recently, instead of being only bones and weak muscles. She gives me "mother advices" to remind me that the first pounds "but don't take it the wrong way" are easy to loose, but to be careful because the next others won't and then I'll be fat. I'm far from being "fat", I'm happy to not be starcing anymore, and what the heck is wrong with curves? Anyways I have been more active as of recently (taking good health habits I was never taught).
She's creeping me out most of the time with how self-conscious she is for me like I'm part of her own body or some kind of ideal image of her youth that she hates not having complete total over. Well guess what; soon she won't have any control over me, and this is why the whole moving out experience is far from stressful. I feel at peace in a near-empty room. I feel better every day and I count the days like a child waiting for Christmas (or Halloween, I am also counting the days to Halloween...)
Sorry for the long post. To conclude this sizeable text, I just want to say thank you. You guys made me realize what situation I was in, how it wasn't normal and how it was possible to get out.
Submitted September 16, 2017 at 04:04AM by Lybelleworm http://ift.tt/2x8VcjN raisedbynarcissists
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