First thing first, i'm from Indonesia. English is definitely not my mother language. Please bear with me since I'll try the best I could.
Tl;dr : Even though I cut ties and burned every bridges with every one that hurts me in the past, they still visited me in my dream, and during the day, I still think about what they did to me.
I already knew that there's something wrong with me when I was child, because I cry all the time before sleep, I stop go to elementary school for a whole year because I was depressed. They making a snide comment about it and told every extended family that I was lazy or something. I remember they never asked me about it, because I know that they just don't care. I'm the bad, rotten child to them. At that time, Ndad is living with someone that twice his age. In her big house, he made a studio music because he's a musician. Her wife that time only wants my Ndad, so I don't have a room. I sleep pretty much in their maid's room. When I sleep in his studio music, he's got angry at me because it makes him a bad parent.
I used to go to bookstore to buy lots of psychology book to self-analyzed. Using my one of book, my Nmom convinced me at that I have no empathy, a narcissists, and basically a heathen. The fucked up part is, I believed all of it. But to really think about it, every time I have my weekly money (about $11.26), I buy a 'little' grocery so our refrigerator has something that my Nmom and I can eat. During junior high, I went to school by my self, I bought my self a bulk of chicken nugget and rice so I can eat something during recess. One time, I drop my nugget into the class floor, I still pick it up and eat it even my friend "eww" me. I'm so hungry that time because I skip breakfast so I didn't late for school.
Every morning I have to commute 12 miles by myself, because my parents (they're divorced when i was 13) has this "system", that if one of my parent bored at me living with them, I got kicked out and had to moved all my things to the other one. Thanks to that, sometimes I don't really need to wake up at 3 AM just for school, and sometimes I need to if I want to enter the School property. So every time I saw a parents drop his/her kid to school, it makes me think that life is so unfair. That's pretty much the pattern of my life. I never knew when I got kicked out from their house, so I kept my important things still in the "bag", ready to move out anytime they asked. The situation is really sad, but I make it light by joking about it to my parent. " You know, my life is pretty interesting right? I always one the move so my life is never boring! ".They seems never catch my heart went cold seeing them laughing at that joke.
Nevertheless, my life is indeed never boring. I got raped by my Nmom's favorite ex. When my Ndad wants to take him over court, my Nmom said " I don't think Indira wants that, because her friend at school will found out. Can we just move on! I will pray to God, so (her ex) got punished! ". Or when my Ndad offered me to go a psychiatrist for soften the pain, she denied it with, " I don't think Indira needs it. Because Jesus will strengthen her soul, and she can handled it! she's a strong girl. " I don't really have anything to say, even though I'm the one that got raped, and I think I need it that therapy. But her reasoning is somehow sounds logical to me. So I stay silent.
I went to a shady vocational High school even though my grade in Junior high is pretty good, because my Nmom got inheritance and want me to have a house that close to my school. Three months later, I'm back to my 3 AM routine, need to commute 23 miles every morning. All I see in the bus is definitely a worn out faces. I think, every year in my high school year, I ditch school for 2 weeks without a notice, staying in my bed. Just wanting to die every second of it. But I never really took it, because somehow, I have a positive outlook to my life. I always have one wishes. I just really want to move out. From them. I'm sick of being a pingpong child. I'm sick that my heart always aching that everyone's think I'm manipulative, because there's no way they would hurting me like this.
At my senior year, I'm pretty much sick to be a "rotten" child so might as well proved them true. I made my self a dating profile, 2 months before my 17 birthday and from then I will sleep with pretty much any guy that sent me a long messages to me. It only lasted a year because I just need it to prove them. But damn, you might think that's fucked up, but somehow I need it. I know that's just depressing, but I really need that mistake. After that I met my current boyfriend, with my new dating profile.
My boyfriend's resemblance to my Ndad is uncanny, but unlike him, I think he can loved me. All my life I want to loved someone too, but my love is always one sided, so when I found our love is mutual. I'm pretty much really sad and happy that day. I'm glad that I don't ended things so fast. I'm so glad that I found the one so fast. I'm so glad that if I went to his place, he's greeted me with lots of kisses. It's new to me. Since I never really have a healthy relationship, at first month of relationship, I'm acted like a jerk to him. I try to sabotage my relationship over and over, but he still stay. I have a bad outburst, and he always gets sad when I lashed out it. To think about it, he's really too good for me. He can walk away anytime he wants, but he stays. And it takes me a long, long time to realize that I need to put my act together and be a great lover like I always want too.
So when I graduate, it only took me months to actually moved out from my Ndad house to his. Do I get my happy ending? I think I did. Even though moving in with my boyfriend would make me can't get out so freely like I used to, since we're living at his dad's hotel. Life's good. If I can handled my Nparents, I can handled this. Since this is definitely a temporary situation. I definitely can handled this. I thought my problem will stops right there since I cut ties with everyone I know in my real life. But I kept dreaming about them and when I awoke, I always still thinking about what they did to me.
But then I got pregnant, I'm pretty much shocked because we always had a safe sex. At 4 weeks, my hormone at that time thinks I can raised a child and I want to keep it. My boyfriend patiently explained the situation that we can't afford a child right now. At first, how dare he! but slowly but sure, I think my child will hates me with his life. Because that's the exactly how it ended when my Nparents trying to raised a child. Still believed that I'm a narcissist, I went to shady clinic abortion to let him go the very next day. To this day, I don't really regretted it. Even though I would give everything to him, it still not feels right.
Oh right, last month I sent a damn long facebook pm to my dad. I basically told him to eat a bag of dicks. And i'm not only talk to my bf again, since I posted basically begging redditor to talk to me on r/r4r. I basically glued my phone to my hand because I can't stop replied their messages!
Well I'm sorry I vent too damn long, I think i left out so much part because I don't want you to read a sad, depressing 1 stars book tbh. Thanks for letting me ranting!
Submitted August 07, 2017 at 10:23PM by indiralar http://ift.tt/2wB3sWy raisedbynarcissists
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