My SO and his mom are SUPER close. He is an only child raised by a long island Italian single catholic military mother. She remarried when he was a senior in high school, and unfortunately her husband passed suddenly of a heart attack over 2 years ago. She has since sold her house and is traveling nursing. She has been angling to live with us forever and has serious boundary issues in all ways. Traditionally, we have not gotten along fantastically - she has not been shy in telling me that she thinks i'm too heavy for her son, she thinks my mom is going to hell b/c shes a lesbian (she also was afraid that when she met my mom for the first time that she'd have a crush on her :ugh:), I stole her son away from her, i'm too controlling, and i'm too sensitive. She has straight up told me that she went through the drawers in my bedroom b/c my big lots furniture was "so cool looking" and she "couldn't possibly fathom what we might keep in cloth bins" and that she "Doesnt have to treat me the way i treat her when i come over her house - by saying please thank you and may i before i open or touch anything b/c my house is her house". I had to just walk away when she said those things... when confronted later she told me she just meant the refrigerator. We were no where near my kitchen nor talking about food when she said that so... doubt it. Large quantities of alcohol are often involved in these arguments.
Anyway, probably not but two weeks ago, b/c yet again she proposed living together, and yet again I had to tell her NO. I need my own space and autonomy. It turned into a huge fight. Now suddenly, she has found a legal reason to get on our lease (she wants a tax home for her traveling nursing job). Its a grey area at best, but a reason none the less. My SO doesn't see this as a step towards her trying to live with us. I've put my foot down. He is not upset b/c I refuse to attach my name to his mother in any way. She now is talking about how she doesn't even feel comfortable taking an assignment down here b/c she wouldn't feel comfortable just "popping in". My feeling is GOOD. She shouldn't just pop over. My house is my house. Not hers. There should at least be a phone call before some one comes to visit.
My SO is a TOTAL momma's boy and doesnt see a problem with any of it. He doesnt see anything weird with their level of interactions or with her wanting to live with us (or go through our drawers) Clearly i have both a SO problem and a MIL problem.
How can i go about gently setting boundaries with both MIL and SO?
I couldn't sleep Saturday night so I decided to just get my thoughts down, and read them to him Sunday morning:
I understand that you and your mom had a very particular childhood ;your mom was young single mother and you moved a lot ... as a result you guys leaned on each other quite a bit. Your mom did a great job raising you. I obviously love the man that you are.
That being said, I do think as you transition into a family of your own some level of change needs to happen in that relationship with your mom. You're not her husband and she's not your wife. For lack of a better term I am who your wife is. I need to know that my Comforts feeling and needs come first.
A change in your relationship definitely does not mean no relationship. If you want to talk on the phone every day great. But hiding in cars so that you can have a little private conversation when you're drunk at 2 in the morning, it makes me a little uncomfortable.
Your mom and I have had a contentious relationship from the start and there's definitely been quite a few pitfalls. We're working on it and I think that we can continue to work on it. It's a work in progress and it's probably going to continue to be for a long time. It's gong to take time and baby steps.
I think a key for our success really is going to lay in clear boundaries and expectations as well as communication. This is my home and there are certain things that make me feel comfortable in my home. I'd like to have a conversation with your mother and separately with my mother as well going over what the guidelines are in terms of interacting with us and our home.
I've been trying to think about what those guidelines would be. This is what I've come up with:
As far as any visitors are concerned:
- I really do feel that two weeks are year is an appropriate amount of days for any guest to stay in or home. our home is our home and our guests home is their home.
- I would like the same level of respect that I would give them in their home. This means that I would like the please thank yous and may i's. It's a sign of respect -with the exception of the refrigerator, our guests should not feel comfortable going into drawers or cabinets without explicit permission.
- No popping over without calling ahead.
As far as guidelines specific to your mom: * I do think we get along wayyyyyyyy better when large amounts of alcohol are not involved . I think if on any given visit we all limit irked to one or two drinks maximum, it would go a long way towards improving our relationship.
-
when she's staying in Houston, on temporary assignment we can try for dinner once a week, but I do think it's a big commitment that might be harder than you expect. So in efforts to under promise and over deliver, I think we should tell her we promise to have dinner twice a month, but internally shoot for the once a week goal.
-
Visits more than once a week should be infrequent and called ahead. My privacy and space is important to me, and Any more frequent than that, will likely almost feel like we are living with her anyway
-
Weight, religion, politics, and homosexuality are topics we are likely to not agree on, so best to avoid hurt feelings or fights by avoiding talking about them.
I want to stop having the living together conversion every few months. It puts me in an awkward position of having to reiterate my need for space and autonomy over and over again. It also automatically makes me feel like I have to be on the defensive.
I really think if we could stick to the things that I just listed our relationship would improve vastly. What do you think?
It went relatively well and he said he would support me.. to a point. He feels that my 2 weeks a year and 1 day a week (if she is doing an assignment in town) is too stringent. What do you guys think? Am i being too restrictive? I really do want to improve the relationship, not just minimize her interactions in my life. I just think that we have a lot of work to do and if we are too in each others faces all the time it will only hurt our progress not help...
She also saw a psychic who told her we will never get along... so i've got that going for me :facepalm:
tl;dr: Momma's boy SO who doesn't see a problem with an often drunk MIL wanting to live with us, or go through our drawers. I've decided I need to set boundaries with both of them, but don't know whats too strict and how to put it gently. Help?
Submitted January 09, 2017 at 10:43PM by Coppelia3 http://ift.tt/2jaik8f relationships
No comments:
Post a Comment