Something that my Ngrandma said to me today, just made me think about all of how I was raised and how I've reacted to where I am. And I guess that's why I'm writing this. This isn't a suicide letter, this is just a letter, a pleading for help, a letter from a girl whose broken and doesn't know what to do.
This story starts back in August of 2015 when I moved 2hrs away from all of my friends because my mother got a new job. I instantly became socially isolated because I was going to an online school and because I had no way of meeting people. (Which I admit was my fault.) I had always not really liked my grandmother, I haven't like my sperm-doner much more mainly because of the abuse but in general, he's not a great human being. I don't wish to remember him, I don't wish to remember most of his life or anything about him. I've taken all of the steps I can to distance myself away from him, but I feel that no matter where I go I'll just find someone who acts like him.
That brings us to today, my wonderful grandma (/s) loves to talk about all of the things that I "use to do" and how I don't appreciate the things that she did for me. Like all I want to say is "Thank you for all that you did, now fucking leave it there. Keep it in the past. I'm tired of you making me feel like shit because every time you say something I don't say. "Oh, I'm so appreciative of X, Y, and Z." That shit's been 5+ years ago." Like it's just hard because I remember all of those things perfectly, it's how my memory works, but on the other hand, I'm tired of being told I have to worship her. I'm tired of being berated daily for the shit that I don't do, or the wrong way I do things. Like we'll be sitting around the table and she'll launch into some random-ass story about how "she did this thing or she did that thing, and how she knows a little kid [me] who doesn't appreciate the things she did for them." Then she yells at me and says "You didn't close the refrigerator. Get your shit together." After I she "didn't like my attitude" because I was trying to get our front door to close correctly. [It doesn't sit right in the latch so you have to mess around with it, I tried slamming it, didn't work, she got mad because she didn't like my "attitude".] But she never does. I say something and she bitches at me because she doesn't like my attitude. Then I even think about calling out her crap and people just shoot me down. It's like everyone is blind to it. Either that or I'm the one with the problem, and I know I've got problems, but like I'm trying to deal with all of the shit right now, and honestly I can't stand it. I'm at a loss for words. I really can't wait for the day I leave, which right now doesn't seem feasible.
Submitted July 18, 2016 at 08:36AM by dinoegg http://ift.tt/29OApq3 raisedbynarcissists
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