Depression depression

Hi, let me just jump into this. I'm an eighteen year old male who struggles with self proclaimed depression. I happen to also be a gay gutamalen/native American. I love Pokemon and enjoy being in nature. I write this with trembling fingers , this being my only outlet I think I could share this with. My depression doesn't spawn from not being accepted from my family, actually my family's super okay with me being gay and I know I'm lucky for that . I also know I am super lucky for being able to be born into a first world country with running water , food in my refrigerator and clothes on my back. I write this because I feel empty, alone and confused. I hate that I feel this way. When so many people have worse life's than me. But back to my self proclaimed depression. I think I have depression because I feel alone. I've had a boyfriend who was my high school sweet heart from my freshman year until the summer of my senior year. Our relationship was a classically toxic one. Let's skip over our verbal and physical fights , stalking, and , I can't even remember everything tbh. I tend to block out all the bad in my life, ever since I was a child. I only remember if a friend brings it up or tells me what they saw, then all the emotions and memories start swirling back up. Anyways, I've always been a person to keep to myself. I've never let anyone in. No one knows the real me. To everyone I'm R******, the funny, nice one, who always is quick to brighten someone's mood, but to myself, I'm the ugly one who's scared of death and find it harder and harder to want to socialize everyday, I've deleted all my social media, I realized its toxic and creates envy, that's the last thing I want. I hate to withdraw myself from the world but I feel a need to. Sometimes I find myself feeling sad for no reason. I'm the one in the family that doesn't care for drama, I'm the one that's always trying to fix a family squabble, to everyone I'm put together and always well dressed and groomed. But on the inside I'm dying , slowly but surely and I feel there's no way to stop it, I don't know what to do, I refuse and can't open up to anyone, I have no real friends, I don't like to talk about my problems , ever , I've never told anyone or even gave them a clue to how I feel. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Submitted July 10, 2016 at 11:15AM by Dnomyar21 http://ift.tt/29vbVom depression