Hi Reddit.
My relationship with my mother has always been a little volatile. I'd love to go into detail but then this post would be many thousands of words long. Basically wrongs have been done by both sides but I feel much more resentment towards her than she does towards me. She still does things when I'm at home like wake me up by screaming at me, following me from room to room telling me what a piece of shit I am etc. I'll respond with calmness at first but eventually it gets to a point where I'll say whatever I can to get her to just shut up (because she won't let me walk away). It's not healthy. I'm her only child so I'm the focus 24/7.
As I was planning to since I was 16, I've moved countries. It's fantastic. I live by myself, I have two jobs, one full-time, one part-time, and I work around 55 hours a week. My jobs are very active and I'm moving, walking and running throughout the day. I don't have much money but it's okay. Currently I've moved houses and I don't have a refrigerator or a washing machine, but it's fine, I'll be getting those soon. What I'm trying to say is that I'm a fucking adult goddammit. I eat breakfast lunch and dinner, I pay my bills on time, and I do it all in a different language that I had to learn alone- a language considered extremely difficult for English speakers to learn.
She's paying for me to fly home for christmas and I'm grateful for that. She can't really express her love by listening or understanding me, so she does it through money instead. That sentence may sound bitter, it's honestly not it's just the facts.
The thing that hurts me most nowadays has been going on through my whole life. Basically my personality is just one big joke to her. According to her I'm the laziest person on the planet. According to her I eat trash for every meal. My dad likes to say if I was on the Titanic I'd survive because I'd be too late to make it on the ship. (He doesn't live with us but he's greatly influenced by her opinion.) She "gently" makes comments about my weight. (I fluctuate, but I'm usually a normal weight).
When I lived with my mom I suffered from depression pretty badly and I still do, but she's not there to aggravate it so I can usually keep it under control. I've explained to her time and again that I don't sit on the couch for the sake of it- I do it because I don't have the energy for anything else. I want to explain further but basically, if you've had depression before you get it. I wasn't active in front of her, and several things contributed to that situation until moving out of home was the only way out.
It's become part of my self-identity. Well it was until I moved. I make jokes about being lazy to my friends and some coworkers and they look at me like I'm crazy. Several friends have told me flat out "you're not lazy. Why would you even think that?" Same thing about my weight. I didn't bring it up on purpose, but one of my very skinny friends was talking about lending clothes to me and I said "well, I don't think I'd fit." She and other friends stared at me for a couple of minutes before they asked, carefully, "do you think you're fat? you aren't fat."
Sunday is my only day off. (Today for me.) For the past month I'd been doing extra work on Sundays and before that I'd been moving house etc. so I FINALLY got a real day off today for the first time in a long time. I messaged her and she asked what I was doing. I told her that I'd just had some fried chicken and taken a nap. That I was going to tidy my room and do some washing. She replied: "nothing ever changes." and "I'm going to crack the whip when u get home." "ur goin to b eatin healthy- u ready 4 that?"
I get that these are extremely small comments. But it's exactly the right thing to say to get under my skin. Implying that I haven't changed despite moving countries, working 2 jobs and renting my own place, and also implying that my having fried chicken once must mean I'm eating unhealthily all the time. It's like chinese water torture to me and even more frustrating because friends and relatives won't understand the insult behind the comments.
I told her that I didn't appreciate those comments (especially the "nothing ever changes" comment) and that she of all people should know how hard I've been working. She replied "okay darling just joking." She WASN'T joking though. When I called her out on it she said "okay darling you're very selective." I asked her what she meant and she said "you and me make our own choices which is life." What is that even supposed to mean?
It would be okay if this was just a one-off thing but it's been happening for years- we'll have a conversation and it's going fine and then she makes a "joke" that isn't a joke and the conversation will be over because I can't get over it. Basically I've been a capable person for a long time and she's never been able to acknowledge that. I get this feeling that she needs me to need her.
I understand that it's some very small comments but I'm worried that the whole trip will be like this. From the airport. I'll be staying at her house too so there's no escape. And she will want to spend every waking moment with me. I almost wish I didn't have to go but the tickets cost a lot of money and if I cancelled now it'd break her heart. It's just such a relief not having my self-esteem undermined everyday. I don't want to come back home suffering from mother-induced depression.
tl;dr: My mother knows exactly what to say to get under my skin. How do I stop/explain to her why these comments are not okay?
Submitted December 13, 2015 at 08:03PM by itstimetobeginisntit http://ift.tt/1IN93Oj relationships
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