So yesterday my mom went grocery shopping, per usual she got me my favorite grocery items, mines are a pound of chicken salad, hot Doritos and a plastic container of pineapples, freshly cut.The fuck up occurred when i had to go put the groceries into the downstairs freezer, our refrigerator had broken down 3 days previously, so everything we did not immediately move out had rotted, luckily it started to get cold again but i could not put them in there until we bleached and cleaned out the fridge. So down i went to the basement where i immediately threw the entire bag in there to wait for my return. After we got done with the fridge, it was around 9 pm and we had bought the groceries around 2pm, everything was frozen solid like i expected except for the lone surviving juice. I quickly gathered all the items, took them upstairs and spread them out in the fridge, the next morning i wake up bright and early to eat my favorite fruit, the pineapples now thawed looked delicious, i popped opened the container and took my first bite, i don't know if it was bad cuts or the ice but each piece i tried to eat half was rock solid, so i was forced to eat only half the parts on a number of them, but still enjoyed it, as i continued to go about my day, my mom informs me that contrary to the normal routine my brother would be getting picked up early, which throws me off, i quickly get dressed, grab my house shoes and walk to his school which is nearby, upon making my way there i feel the weirdest sensation between my butt cheeks, like shit was spread on them like peanut butter and i could feel them mash together, this is not a uncommon sensation for me but the sudden burning and irritation was. I was the worst itch i ever felt, so i quickly grab my brother, run home and wipe thoroughly to make sure the feeling is gone. I complete this task and lay down, after a few minutes the burning sensation returns, feeling this an indication i have to shit, i get on the toilet, let one fly loose but the pain stays, it feels like someone has stuck a pepper up my anus. Finally after i can take it no more, i let out a scream and run to my shower, hoping maybe i can watch off w.e still remained, not having any shower rags available and not able to take the feeling anymore, the water not helping, i do the unthinkable i dig into my butt and scratch out a handful of left over tissue and what i think were remnants from pineapples that did not digest correctly, the pain still continuing i rip off my shower head, which has this high powered spray like those euro toilets at the top and i use it like a fixed fire hose to cleanse my ass of this unholy burning. The pain subsides for a bit, but i can still feel it, i try and explore my hole a little bit to see and instantly recoil from the shock, my hole feels so tiny and swollen, so i stop and i go to lay down, but it's still here. I can still feel it and i dread the feeling of having to take a shit, of my stomach rumbling and calling me back to the torture chamber that has become my toilet seat, so i lay here avoiding trying to sit on my ass watching Netflix reruns of scrubs and trying not to shit.
tl;dr Ate pineapple, did not digest completely now i have a burning asshole and i am afraid of my toilet/shits.
Submitted August 18, 2015 at 03:15AM by Thatzionoverthere http://ift.tt/1IY43TE tifu
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