Hi SD. I have lurked for a while but am on day 9 of sobriety (!) now. I have depression and anxiety and am on meds; I am waiting for them to build up in my system the way they were meant to since I've been drinking heavily for a while and I suspect the interaction wasn't in my favor.
One day my younger sister, who is moved out, came over to help us unload the empty beer bottles from the garage where we'd been setting them aside for a few months for recycling. She counted 700. Seven hundred between me, my dad, and my mom. She confronted me about it and asked me to promise to get better. My little sister says if she loses her parents to this she needs to have me. She doesn't want to be old without me. So I promised. I promised her first, then myself.
As is probably obvious by now, my biggest problem with not drinking is that my parents are alcoholics. My mom especially. I am a grown-assed adult, I can make my own decisions, but the fact of it is that there is alcohol in the house. All. The. Time. It's right there next to my food when I reach into the refrigerator. It's in the cabinet next to the cleaning rags when I reach for them to clean. It's in the grocery basket. On my day 3 my mom asked me to open her beer for her. My mom sometimes stinks of alcohol when she comes into my room in the middle of the day to talk at me, swaying and crying about some shitty thing in her life or other.
On my day 7 she was getting up to get beer after beer and she went into the kitchen and came back with a giant mug full of rum and something sweet. I could smell it from across the room. I was trying really hard to just focus on the movie we were watching together, but I couldn't. It dawned on me that I have trouble handling my mom when I am sober. I texted my sister. She told me to leave and to tell my mom that her drinking made me uncomfortable. I couldn't tell her that, so I softened it.
"Mom, I'm sorry. The smell of the alcohol is too much. I have to go; I'm sorry."
My mom stared at me like I punched her.
"Remember when you and your father were drinking and I couldn't?" she asked with an angry, accusing tone. She was talking about a time when she had work and couldn't drink, but she had one anyway.
I didn't say anything because she was trying to turn it around, like I should feel shitty for doing that to her. Maybe I should. I don't know.
I didn't say anything. I turned around and went to my room and quietly shut the door. I heard my mom shut off the movie, slam things around the living room, then slam the door into my parents' room.
I spent a long time bawling like a child and wishing I was dead. But I didn't drink.
How does SD handle being surrounded with drinking and alcoholism? It's only my day 9. My primary care doctor told me I need to stop and that I'm mature and intelligent enough to just not give in to it; that I'm an adult and I can make that decision. It's so hard when I have the stressors that push me into drinking around me 24/7. I don't drive. I have anxiety that stops me from leaving the house. One of my parents is with me most of the time, and most of the time they are nursing a drink. The stench of alcohol on my parents' breaths makes me anxious and sick to my stomach. The hiss of a beer bottle opening gives me dread and fear. I don't know what to do about it... except not to give in to the cravings. To keep counting the days and try to stay strong.
Since I've stopped drinking I cry every day. I missed 5 days of work in the last 2 weeks. It's like I was just numbing myself, and now I'm seeing the clearer picture of myself, of my family. I don't like what I see, but don't know how to change that.
Thank you for reading.
TL;DR My parents are alcoholic and maybe emotionally abusive, but I have to live with them because I am depressed/anxious and have few prospects right now. How do I cope with this while remaining sober?
Submitted August 12, 2015 at 06:03AM by tostada http://ift.tt/1IEC9Mq stopdrinking
No comments:
Post a Comment