Only one person in the world loves me. I've lost my child and everyone I know actually hates me. I never should have been born and I think it's time for me to just give up. SuicideWatch

I can't take it anymore. I'm so tired.

I lost my child 8 years ago, his dad took him away and then treated me like shit, tried to stop me from seeing him, succeeded in stopping me from seeing him. He took him and moved hundreds of miles away. And I had no family or anyone to help me.

Then I became homeless after the person I was living with held me hostage in our apartment after a drug binge.

That fucking sentence is fucking true. Jesus fucking christ, how can I survive all this shit that keeps happening to me?

I later found out I had lost the visa for the country I was living in. Where my son is. I worked illegally at whatever jobs I could find, and slept on my friends floor for three months.

I slept on a floor for three months. I got offered a job but couldn't take it because of my visa status, so I kept working illegally and sleeping on the floor. and my son's father kept coming after me for money. I was sleeping on the floor and working illegally. When I would see my son I would buy him things and go to nice places just so we could have some time together and he wouldn't see the horribleness of where I was living. But he saw. He saw it all.

Then I got evicted from the floor. I had to move to a house with no working refrigerator, where there were drunk people coming and going at all hours because. I had to leave my friend's floor/house because her mother was coming over. And I was a burden. I had no one. I should have killed myself then.

But I didn't.

I lost my child. My son's father kept hounding me for money, and I was sleeping on people's floors and working illegal jobs.

I lost my child. And my life. but i just kept trying to keep from falling apart. This lasted for years. It hasn't stopped.

My son's father has hated me the entire time he's known me. When our son was a baby, he told me he wanted me to start paying for my own food, which I thought was really bizarre. I thought he wanted to marry me and have a baby. Because that's what he said. But I didn't see it was a lie.

Everyone lies to me.

All he ever wanted me to do was kill myself. That's all he ever wanted me to do. now my child won't speak ot me, he's thousands of miles away and his dad hijacked his skype and email and pretended to be him. I even have the screenshots! He came on my son's skype and pretended to be him!

Why am I not dead yet? Why am I still alive.

His dad has always hated me. He even sent me a message telling me that he never wanted to marry me and never wanted to have our child! He lied to me the whole time. He had bipolar and I thought he was okay but he was just pretending the whole time, the entire time we were together.

I"m remarried now. And he's the nicest guy in the world and he doesn't deserve this shit. But I"m too weak, I'm too weak to be alive. I couldn't even leave the house six months ago. but i'm too weak to survive this shit.

and I want to die now.

i'm utterly useless. I can't work because of depression, but that's not a 'real' disability so everyone hates me.

And I hate myself, too.

It's all caught up with me. I can't take it anymore. I can't take the pain anymore. I"m not supposed to be here.

I was sleeping on my friend's floor for 3 months.

when my son came to visit I had to take him to the park down teh road because I didn't have a real house. And I want to ki, actually, I just want to die.

But my husband loves me, and I"m so confused.

I'm such a burden to him.

I woke up this morning and for a split second, I thought it was my son's father in the kitchen.

He hated me the entire time we were together and when we split he took my child. I had nothing. I had no ID, no drivers license, no passport, no bank account and a job that paid barely enough to cover the babysitter. So i let him take my child. and he went hundreds of miles away and i couldn't stop him and he said I couldn't come near him.

He took my child and moved hundreds of miles away, and told me to stay away. I didn't kill myself then,

I didn't kill myself then

but i want to kill myself now.

I hate this world. It's too evil and I"m too weak to fight it.

what sucks is I'm religious. I'm just too weak and broken to live anymore.

everyone I know betrays me. everyone I know hates me. everyone I know thinks I'm a burden, everyone I know thinks I'm scum and they have no idea what I've been through.

and my family is for shit.

absolute shite.

my husband is the nicest man you'll ever know, but I'm not strong enough to be in this world anymore. I can't stand the hatred. I can't stand the pain.

I've been running from these memories but something always happens. and my son's father won. and I think dying is the best idea. because I"m nothing, I'm scum. I"m too weak to be alive.

I'm just too weak. The only thing that gives me comfort is telling the truth about this.

I HATE myself. I just want to slip away. everyone betrays me. and i'm too weak to fight this world.

and i'm trying to figure out how to do it so it looks like an accident but jesus fucking christ I can't hurt my husband like that.

I feel like i'm in a coma and everyone just needs to say goodbye and let me get off life support.

Submitted May 09, 2015 at 03:23PM by Idontlovethem http://ift.tt/1InE5Lj SuicideWatch