My family immigrated in the 90's from Cuba and we were absolutely dirt poor. My grandfather was a gambling addict and a raging alcoholic. Though he loves everyone in the family and has worked harder than any man I have ever met. I cannot deny the fact that he has caused heartache as well. My grandmother raised 5 children. Two of which died from muscular dystrophy. My mother married my father "so that she could have an excuse to stop living with [my grandparents]". Together they had me and my sister. Around the age of 7, my parents divorced. At the time I was young and didn't know any of the details. But my mother wouldn't let me see my father because he couldn't pay child support. My mother began dating a man who would become my stepfather lets call him J. They lasted together for 8 years. The relationship absolutely wrecked me and my sister. Those 8 years were filled with physical and emotional abuse. Threats, suicide attempts and all the while my sister and I were forced by my mother to keep everything a secret. For a slice of the madness I am talking about: 1) Fathers day 2005, stepfather beats the living hell out of my mother from morning until night time. She would keep coming back and instigating arguments. He broke her nose, gave her a black eye, broke holes in the walls and threw a refrigerator on top of her body as she was out on the ground. 2) J left the house one day and checked into a hotel room to avoid arguments. My mother brought my sister and I into the car to follow him. She walked in with him to the hotel room and began verbally attacking him. Then she started to throw things at him. J got enraged. He threw my mother on the ground and stomped on her face repeatedly. 3) One time J got angry at my mother and kicked her square in the chest. She fell into a pool and he motioned to drown her. My sister interfered and he grabbed her by her throat as if he would hurt her too. When I stepped in and grabbed the house phone he told me if I called anyone he would kill me. I dialed 911 discretely and threw the phone on the sofa so they could hear everything. He left before cops arrived and when they got there my mother forced us into rooms and told them nothing was wrong. She then came to me and started slapping me because I "should stop getting in between her relationship with J" 4) Often times after arguments my mother would wake us up at 2 or 3am. She would tell us to pack all of our belongings and leave. We would sometimes drive out for miles before school. She would tell us how we are never coming back and that this cannot continue. Once she took us to an abandoned, half-built home near the woods and we spent the night there. Regardless, she would change her mind by the next day and come back home to fight again. This left me and my sister to go to school the next day exhausted and without any sleep. 5) Sometimes J would go on a coke binge. My mother would follow him to wherever he was getting high and he would spit in her face and call her names in front of his friends. 6) Whenever J would leave, my mother would follow him. She played mind games to force him to stay. Would threaten him with calling the police and telling them lies. She would tie belts around her neck or empty a bottle of pills into her open mouth. She even got us into a car once and had us yell as she called him to fake a car accident. This was done to guilt trip him into returning. 7) My mother would often mock me for being shy when I was younger. She used to say that I was gay and wanted to f boys because I never had a gf and was shy around girls. 8) One time she wa belittling me because I was lifting weights but didn't want to flex in front of her friends (I was skinny and shy). I told her not to put me on the spot and she kept telling me that I am a bad son, will never get a girl etc.. I got so angry that Ijumped out of the moving car and scraped my ankle/hur my tailbone. I started walking towards the firestation so I could tell them what happened but halfway there I stopped and turned around. I didn't want the law to get involved and split me away from my grandparents/little sister. I was too scared of what change could happen. She told me that I was to lie to J and the family about the injury. To say that it happened as I was riding a bike. But behind my back she told her version of the story. It made me look like a liar and a crazy person. She did things like this all of the time. Let me just say that things of this nature occured on a weekly basis until they eventually split for good. Of course, this did not occur until my mother had a baby girl with him. She thought a baby would make him stay. If any part of this paints my mother as a victim, she is far from that. She is emotionally abusive and narcissistic. I cannot ever forgive my mother. Often times I have violent nightmares about them arguing. I don't know why this occurs as often as it does... This may seem petty, but what bothered me most was that she never let me join clubs, have friends over, stay after school or have any sort of life outside of the dysfunctional home. I didn't make many friends until college for this reason. But then there is me. I thought, maybe if I move out of the house, my life will be ok. That hasn't exactly been the case. I feel like broken goods. I will graduate college next year and hopefully join medical school. Though I am academically ok and have learned to make friends and socialize, I long for more. I have never had a gf and I honestly cannot see how any girl would ever want to be with someone like me. I have tried to ask girls out and such, but nothing has ever developed beyond a week. I have trash for self confidence at this point and feel like there is nobody to voice my concerns to. Everytime i go back home to visit, a tragedy occurs. My biological father died of heart disease. My mother kicks me out of the house so that she would have room in the house to throw a party for her friends. My grandmother gets baker acted as one of my uncle goes to jail and my grandfathers alcoholism reeks havoc. My other uncle is in prison for 15 years. Then just yesterday I come back and I see my sister yelling at the youngest sister (half-sister). I tell her to stop and she shoos me away and belittles me. I retaliate with words that I should not have said. Words that were far more hurtful than they should have been. My mother and sister told me to "just fucking leave". I don't feel like I belong with my family. I don't feel like I will ever find a woman who will take a chance on me (why would they?). Sometimes I wonder if my friends even really like me. I dont really understand what the fuck my purpose is in life. I feel terrible for what I said yesterday, but I also hate to see them arguing all the time. I live near my college hours away from home and it is so much more peaceful and relaxing to be here. It make me feel guilty but I hate going home. Sometimes I have these thoughts that are pretty damn dark "if I die: nobody will show up to the funeral/my family will be getting rid of a burden/nobody would even notice". I don't think a counselor can help. If I tell them about my childhood then they may take legal action. That's the last thing I want. I've tried to self remedy by reading self improvement books and trying to fix my social issues that stem from how i was raised. My grades have improved, I am not that shy anymore, I volunteer, have friends, lift weights, do martioal arts... But I still feel like hopeless garbage. I honestly just want someone to talk to and hopefully letting this all out will help.
My mother married my father "so that she could have an excuse to stop living with [my grandparents]". Together they had me and my sister. Around the age of 7, my parents divorced. At the time I was young and didn't know any of the details. But my mother wouldn't let me see my father because he couldn't pay child support.
My mother began dating a man who would become my stepfather lets call him J. They lasted together for 8 years. The relationship absolutely wrecked me and my sister. Those 8 years were filled with physical and emotional abuse. Threats, suicide attempts and all the while my sister and I were forced by my mother to keep everything a secret.
For a slice of the madness I am talking about:
1) Fathers day 2005, stepfather beats the living hell out of my mother from morning until night time. She would keep coming back and instigating arguments. He broke her nose, gave her a black eye, broke holes in the walls and threw a refrigerator on top of her body as she was out on the ground. 2) J left the house one day and checked into a hotel room to avoid arguments. My mother brought my sister and I into the car to follow him. She walked in with him to the hotel room and began verbally attacking him. Then she started to throw things at him. J got enraged. He threw my mother on the ground and stomped on her face repeatedly. 3) One time J got angry at my mother and kicked her square in the chest. She fell into a pool and he motioned to drown her. My sister interfered and he grabbed her by her throat as if he would hurt her too. When I stepped in and grabbed the house phone he told me if I called anyone he would kill me. I dialed 911 discretely and threw the phone on the sofa so they could hear everything. He left before cops arrived and when they got there my mother forced us into rooms and told them nothing was wrong. She then came to me and started slapping me because I "should stop getting in between her relationship with J" 4) Often times after arguments my mother would wake us up at 2 or 3am. She would tell us to pack all of our belongings and leave. We would sometimes drive out for miles before school. She would tell us how we are never coming back and that this cannot continue. Once she took us to an abandoned, half-built home near the woods and we spent the night there. Regardless, she would change her mind by the next day and come back home to fight again. This left me and my sister to go to school the next day exhausted and without any sleep. 5) Sometimes J would go on a coke binge. My mother would follow him to wherever he was getting high and he would spit in her face and call her names in front of his friends. 6) Whenever J would leave, my mother would follow him. She played mind games to force him to stay. Would threaten him with calling the police and telling them lies. She would tie belts around her neck or empty a bottle of pills into her open mouth. She even got us into a car once and had us yell as she called him to fake a car accident. This was done to guilt trip him into returning. 7) My mother would often mock me for being shy when I was younger. She used to say that I was gay and wanted to fuck boys because I never had a gf and was shy around girls.
Let me just say that things of this nature occured on a weekly basis unti they eventually split for good. Of course, this did not occur until my mother had a baby with him. She thought a baby would make him stay. If any part of this paints my mother as a victim, she is far from that. She is emotionally abusive and narcissistic. I cannot ever forgive my mother. Often times I have violent nightmares about them arguing. I don't know why this occurs as often as it does... This may seem petty, but what bothered me most was that she never let me join clubs, have friends over, stay after school or have any sort of life outside of the dysfunctional home. I didn't make many friends until college for this reason.
But then there is me. I thought, maybe if I move out of the house, my life will be ok. That hasn't exactly been the case. I feel like broken goods. I will graduate college next year and hopefully join medical school. Though I am academically ok and have learned to make friends and socialize, I long for more. I have never had a gf and I honestly cannot see how any girl would ever want to be with someone like me. I have tried to ask girls out and such, but nothing has ever developed beyond a week. I have trash for self confidence at this point and feel like there is nobody to voice my concerns to. Everytime i go back home to visit, a tragedy occurs. My biological father died of heart disease. My mother kicks me out of the house so that she would have room in the house to throw a party for her friends. My grandmother gets baker acted as one of my uncle goes to jail and my grandfathers alcoholism reeks havoc. My other uncle is in prison for 15 years. Then just yesterday I come back and I see my sister yelling at the youngest sister (half-sister). I tell her to stop and she shoos me away and belittles me. I retaliate with words that I should not have said. Words that were far more hurtful than they should have been. My mother and sister told me to "just fucking leave".
I don't feel like I belong with my family. I don't feel like I will ever find a woman who will take a chance on me (why would they?). Sometimes I wonder if my friends even really like me. I dont really understand what the fuck my purpose is in life. I feel terrible for what I said yesterday, but I also hate to see them arguing all the time. I live near my college hours away from home and it is so much more peaceful and relaxing to be here. It make me feel guilty but I hate going home.
Sometimes I have these thoughts that are pretty damn dark "if I die: nobody will show up to the funeral/my family will be getting rid of a burden/nobody would even notice". I don't think a counselor can help. If I tell them about my childhood then they may take legal action. That's the last thing I want. I honestly just want someone to talk to and hopefully letting this all out will help.
Submitted May 18, 2015 at 11:09PM by jrdy_rq http://ift.tt/1JTVV5X offmychest
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