I got a C for this masterpiece for "inappropriate content" whatever that is in my English class Sophomore year and I feel the need to share my struggle. We were assigned to write an alternative ending for "The Great Gatsby"
NO BALLS
A reinterpretation by Silas Klug of the great Gatsby’s ending
Where I leave off: Tom says Gatsby can take Daisy home; they both get into Gatsby’s car.
Daisy lets run off and make as many babies as possible Oh yes Gatsby that sounds perfect, for it is too late tonight, but in the morning we will be wed and then you and I will single handedly repopulate the earth. That sounds super fab Daisy, oh how I love your dumb face.
Both Daisy and Gatsby drive back to Jay’s house, and they sleep in separate beds, waiting until tomorrow to restructure human family life.
The next morning, in a milk curdling scream that edged on death comes from Gatsby’s bedroom “THEY TOOK MY NADS”. Daisy jumps off the couch she had been sleeping on and rushes to see what is wrong with Gatsby. There she sees the saddest sight know to human kind. She looks him up and down and begins to weep. In the middle of the night, someone had stolen Gatsby’s testicles. “But Hun, how we gonna make babies if you aint got no marbles?” “I can fix this Daisy, Quick, I’m going to call my friends and we WILL get this straightened out”. Nick and Jordan, upon hearing this news arrive to Gatsby’s house within the hour. Nick and Jordan soon understand the immense gravity of the situation. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind though that this unlikely story will be resolved by finding where Tom, the obvious suspect, has hidden Gatsby’s reproductive organs. So off on the quest, leaves Gatsby, Daisy, Jordan, and Nick all on 1 bicycle to go and find Tom. Gatsby is impressed how much more comfortable riding his bike is without balls, so he volunteers to ride them around, with daisy on the front pegs, Jordan and her golf clubs on the back Pegs, and Nick on Gatsby’s shoulders.
As their logical first destination for where Gatsby’s privates are, they go and check Florida. Here Tom has a small secret beach front property, which Daisy knows about. As they spend the next two weeks biking down there, Gatsby rushes to steal back his nuts. They each take turns singing folk songs, as well as exchanging deeply private thoughts that each of them has. Oddly enough, after these few weeks, Jordan has isolated herself, and everyone begins to question if she is truly the girl we thought she was.
As they enter George’s private beach house, they are all appalled to see that there, in the front yard is Myrtle guarding Tom’s residence. In a moment of powerful realization of what she must do, Daisy takes control of the bicycle’s wheel, asks Gatsby, Nick, and Jordan to get off, and then accelerates. She peddles ferociously, and begins to scream, “For the Genitalia”. At that very second, Daisy flies her bike into Myrtles chest, making her boobs fly off, and killing her instantly. Daisy does all this without even stopping.
Now that the fierce slut Myrtle is no longer guarding the door, everyone except Jordan, who had to pee, floods into Tom’s shack. As they enter, they are all shocked to see Tom pointing a fully automatic rifle at all of them. Tom yells out in triumph, “It’s too late Gats, for I have already hid your jewels in a place you will never find. You will live out the rest of your life with NO, BALLS!”. At this point, Gatsby breaks down and begins to weep. Gats cries out, “I only wanted to make babies with your wife, why must you do this to me Tom?”
Then, before Tom can even respond, flying up behind Tom, the magical Fairy named Jordan, takes a golf club to the back of his head, paralyzing him. Now safe, the whole crew now frantically searches through the entire home for Gatsby’s gonads. They ransack the whole place to no avail; it is as if Gatsby will never be able to reproduce again. They all spend days, sleeping in Tom’s old house, looking through his immense closets and refrigerators all to no avail. Finally, on the third day, Jordan in fairy mode finds them in the Lego bin in Tom’s child play room. Magically, Jordan performs surgery with a golf club, and safely puts the stones back into Gatsby. Daisy and Gatsby live in Tom’s old house forever and ever and live happily ever after. The End.
Submitted April 05, 2015 at 08:10AM by Th3B1gB055 http://ift.tt/1FbswjD AirmechCirclejerk
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