Writing has never really been my strong suite, but then again this is more for me rather than anyone else. This may all be incoherent and not in order and I'm sorry to anyone who actually cares enough to read through all of it. I don't feel safe talking to anyone or even writing this anywhere anyone might find it. I just kinda want to vent somehow and this seems like the right place. Now for background information. When I was a wee lad back in elementary school, making friends was so easy and the only problems I ever had were my ties with family. Somewhere around 3rd grade was when I distanced myself from others. My father married my mother only 6 months after meeting her in what seemed like desperation due to pressure from his parents to "settle down." They turned out to be not such a great match. They've done some horrible things to each other and I used to have to listen them fight from when I was born to when they divorced about 4 years ago. There are also a lot I'm sure they haven't told me. I also have never really known which of them to trust since they both tell me stories about the other that are contradicting and don't match up to the ones the other parent told me. My sister, being my only sibling, is 7 years older than me and we've never really talked much. She's nice and I like her, but we don't act like siblings. Now a days I have a very professional relationship with my family. My parents supply the refrigerator with food and pay the bills. I go to school, get good grades, play sports, and do community service with a group at my school. A regular day for me looks like this: Wake up at 6 am(since we live far away from my school), eat breakfast, make my lunch, gather my things, brush my teeth, drive to school, go to school from 8 to 3, go to practice from 4-5:30, wait half an hour for my perpetually late parents to pick me up, drive back home, get home at around 7, make myself dinner, eat, do my homework(which takes anywhere from half an hour to 2 hours depending on the load), then it's either 8pm or 9:30. If it's 9:30 I use the toilet, shower, brush my teeth, and get in bed by around 10. If I'm lucky I can fall asleep within half an hour with just enough sleep to wake up and go through the process again the next day. If I finish my homework early, then I have an hour to myself. I love having this time, but sometimes I feel like I squander it doing things that make me feel better, instead of doing things to help myself become a better person. Back at school, there are people that I say "hi" to, but never actually talk to. For anyone who asks, I tell them that they are my friends since I can't bear telling someone that "I have no friends," I like some of them, but I can never bring myself forward to say something that might lead to a real friendship where we can talk to each other about stuff. People at school have friends, they even have best friends. I envy all of them. I don't think I;m ugly, but I'm definitely not attractive. I'm kinda short, a wide nose and dark circles around my eyes all the time since sleep eludes me. They even hangout with each other and tell each other things that make them vulnerable. When summer comes around, I have nobody, not a single soul. I'm nice to my family and I take care of my chores, but I don't want to deal with them. I live at my dad's house Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and half of Wednesday. The other time, I'm at my mother's house. When they divorced I was glad, I still am, but moving from house to house is annoying. I wish I didn't have to live with them, but I'm a junior in high school and have no say in the decision. I don't always try my hardest at school, but I always pressure myself enough to get straight a's. I used to act the "class clown" part at school, making a fool of myself to see others smile. I knew that they were laughing at me and didn't particularly like me, but seeing other people laugh made me feel a little better. I stopped doing that around 7th grade when it felt more hurtful than anything else. After training myself to be annoying and laughable for so long, I didn't know how to act. I still kind of don't most of the time, I just go to my default silent plain look when nobody's watching. When people look at me I paint myself a pretty mask and smile at them. They always smile back. This is one game I know full well how to play. Hiding how I feel has always been my strong suite. I don't hide my feeling so that I seem macho like all the other guys I know, I do it so that I don't attract attention to myself. When someone says mean things to me, I either give them a blank face or a smile. If blank faces and smiles were words, they'd be synonyms to me. There are rarely things that people do that make me genuinely happy. The last time I was happy was when the girl I had a crush on held my hand and walked with me through a mall for like 2 hours when I was 14. The way things were going, I thought we were going out, maybe we were. Yet, the next day she had left the school, starting going out with some other guy, and branded me a jerk for calling her names over the phone that I never said. I didn't have her phone number. I didn't even have a working phone. It took me months to really get over this, even though it doesn't even seem that bad. I put plenty of thought into it and I came to the conclusion that she just wasn't interested in me and that it was easier to leave like the way she did instead of talking to me. We were 14, practically still babies compared to everyone one else in the world. Still, after that I stopped thinking about pursuing anyone in a romantic relationship. I don't trust anyone. I don't feel like I can ever really be open with people and just tell them I'm not the happy little pixie that they think that I am. "How are you today?" they say. "Good," I say, just like yesterday and the day before since the beginning of time. For the past year I squandered my one hour free time on 4chan (b). I like the how everything was anonymous, but I hated how everyone abused that power. I never posted, but for some reason I became drawn to gore/crazy porn/death. I've seen 2 people kill themselves live, people sexually abusing dead bodies, nice computer background threads,loli,the occasional cp, the works, etc. I didn't really like any of this stuff, but I would react to it. I would be horrified or disgusted, maybe even sorry for other people. I feel completely desensitized now. I no longer use this website. During anatomy class, one student brought in 3 severed deer heads from their hunt. Everyone but myself and another student were completely unable to deal with the gore. I carved that head like a pumpkin. I wasn't a total psychopath about it, I was interested by the anatomy. I did tear out its esophagus with my hands though, I thought that I might learn more from feeling every part of the dissection rather than using tools. Anyway, I like to think that I'm nice to other people and give everyone a chance, but of course that's for the people around me to decide. I'm never violent to others. I leave spiders in my house. I do kill cockroaches though, I have a vendetta with them for living in my bed and scaring me half to death in the middle of the night, numerous times. I don't have a lot of money. I consider my "family" to be lower middle class. I want to improve myself, I want to be a good person, I want to be able to talk to people and express myself with clarity. Want doesn't get and I'm starting to come unglued. I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my grasp on the will to live. I'm not suicidal, I value my life. It's just that I don't know what to do with it. I tried making friends, but all they ever did was play video games or get stoned. I tried smoking pot twice, but it wasn't really for me. It made me feel calm and generally good, but not happy. It wasn't satisfying. It was just a hollow feeling that made me feel bad about myself. Go ahead, get stoned if you want, it's just not my thing. I don't even know if what I'm typing makes any sense or is in order, but whatever (sorry). People ask me what I'm going to do in life, what job I want. I don't know. I thought about maybe being a doctor or a nurse so that I can help others, but I fear I might delve to deep into the wrong part of myself and become someone I don't want to be. They say I'm creepy, but I don't try to be, I don't want to be. I don't think I should have any children and considering how I'm not able to communicate well with other people, I can just throw out the idea that I might get married one day. People like settling down, people like drugs, people like sex(which I have yet to have myself), people like to hurt those they don't like, but what do I like? I like to read, watch television series, movies, and try to remember good memories since they always seem to slip away. My life hasn't been completely full of sad times. As financially unstable as I think I might be, I'm still more privileged than children in other countries, which makes me feel like a whiny kid, since I'm lucky to even be alive. Recently, I've been having sleeping issues. There are weeks where I don't sleep for days. I once didn't sleep for 4 days straight, which may not seem like much, but after school , hw, sports, etc. it made me exhausted. I fear letting the day pass. I don't want to have to go through "tomorrow" again. When I wake up, I have no motivation to get out of bed, except for this girl at my school. Yes, it happened again. I've had a crush on this girl for years, but I've always suppressed it. Now that we have a class together and have lunch in the same vicinity since I go to a small school, I see her everyday. When I wake up in the morning and feel like sinking into the mattress and never arising ever again, I think to myself "Hey, if you go to school today, you'll get to see her again, maybe even see her smile. She's demure, nerdy, loves tv/film/reading, has a lovely personality and is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I've intercepted other people talking about her saying she's not very attractive or that she used to be some whiny tumblrette, but not to me. Maybe I've just fooled myself into thinking she's so fantastic, especially since I don't really know her that well. I don't have a facebook so I can't find out more about her online. She's also apart of a group of people who always looked down upon me and my tomfoolery as a class clown. I've known her since 6th grade, when I started school at the school I still go to know. Anyway, she's sacred to me. I've had countless dreams about her, but I've never allowed myself to go through with thinking about having sex with her since I don't want to soil her image with my sexual desire. Yes, she's gorgeous, I'm a hormonal teenager and I'd love to have sex with her, but there's more to it. I could never have sex with someone that wasn't meaningful. I'm still a kiss less ultra virgin omega, but I want sex to be meaningful and to be a sign of ultimate intimacy, trust, communication, and love, not just an action to feel a hollow physical feeling and to have. I'm attracted to her physically, but I also like being around her. I'm kind of a morbid person and she's so alive and flowers, bright, and happy. She's smart, knows how to express herself, has good friends that she's had for more than a decade. She's kinda shy, fashionable, cares about the welfare of others, and makes me happy. I've never been able to make a move and I've been forced to watch her go through 2 boyfriends. The problem is that she's a senior and there's no way I'm going to be able to say anything to her. I like being around her, but I won't be creepy and I don't want to bother her since she's such a great person and she deserves so much more. Even if she were to say yes out of pity, I don't know how to date and she's going to college soon since she'll graduate May 20 this year. She'll go to college as a freshman and I'll be here finishing my senior year. She's a year older than i am, more mature than I am. I wouldn't want to anchor her or hold her back. She's just so lovely and she'll meet plenty of guys in Portland(where I think she's going to college), who are better than I am in every way. She deserves a smart, handsome, nice, etc. man that doesn't have issues like I do. I keep just wanting to tell her how I feel. I want to say that my crush is more than just a crush. I can't say I "Love" her since I'm a young teenager and I doubt I truly understand the full extent and meaning to that word since the only being I ever felt I could say "I love you," was a dog that unconditionally loved me(since I fed and took care of her) as a kid. Rather, I can say I have limerence for her. Yes, she's very pretty, but I just want her to feel the same way I feel about her. I want to escape my world and live with her till I die and become nothing, not even a memory to those left on this planet. I can't tell her anything. I can't ask her out. I'm going to let her go off into her surely successful, happy future, without me. I've thought about it for months and this is my final decision. I'm going to enjoy what time I have left with her, even if I never get a chance to actually talk to her. I can learn about her from what others say and feel a flutter in my chest when I see her smile. I'll burn till she leaves and never sees me ever again. Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do this summer. My parents leave me alone, nobody talks to me, and I am unable to talk to others. I'll be pretty much without human contact for 3 months again. At least at school I see people and get to listen in to conversations like a total creep(I'm sorry to all those I've listened to. I know your business is your business, but I can't help myself sometimes.) Being social just comes so easily to some people. Being alone for long periods makes you unsocial and unravels what you've learned as a child, during your social learning experience. Sometimes I feel so hollow, like I'm not a person at all. I'll just go back to the long list of things to watch on the ever expanding array of sticky notes on my walls. At least I can live through others and through my undetectable husk over them and feel like I'm somebody. My parents are in their late 60's (they had children late in life) and will probably die within the next 10-15 years due to their bad health. My sister and I won't talk to each other. I will probably become a nurse instead of a doctor and live alone. Once school is over there's no hope for me making friends or love since I won't be surrounded by people my age. I'm certain that if I don't learn to be social before I'm out of college, I will live alone for the rest of my life, trapped in my own lament and regret. Don't tell me to go ahead and put myself out there. I'm alone a lot of the time and when I'm not busy with school, etc., I think about my issues. I've thought about every possible solution. I've tried countless things, but I can't do it. I'm hoping that I'll be able to make real connections with people due to fear of being like this till the day I drop dead in my house and am discovered by the mailman who'll complain about the awful stench coming from my rotting corpse. Getting motivated and being happy are really difficult, almost impossible. Imagine being buried alive and having to dig yourself out with your broken fingernails just to be buried again the next day and the next. I'm so done. I really don't feel like writing anymore. I thought this would help, but now I feel worse. Well if I ever feel like writing again I'll do it here and keep a sort of anonymous journal. Thanks for listening friend.
Submitted March 10, 2015 at 09:33AM by ARainIsaribi http://ift.tt/1E27nI1 depression
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