I have two roommates, Mike and Sam. Sam is out of town right now. Mike and I have had a strained relationship for a while.
My SO, Erin [F25] spends the night at the apartment sometimes, and Mike is evidently unhappy about how often she is around.
The Emails:
On 12-18, Mike sent me an email. Most of it was a reply to something unrelated. It ended with this paragraph.
On a side note. The dynamic isn't working at the apartment. You're very comfortable in your routine and your relationship. Maybe you two should think about getting your own spot. I've chatted with Sam about it and he felt similar as well as some people in the past. There's not really a nice way to put it but that's that.
I replied to him:
Thanks for letting me know how you feel. I'll think about it, and I'll let you know by the end of June whether I'm renewing or not.
On 12-20, He replied:
You need to figure out a living situation before the lease is up. I don't need to feel like I'm living in you and your girlfriends apartment.
On 12-22, I sent this email to both roommates:
Hi guys,
Sam, I hope you're enjoying your vacation. When do you get back? Mike told me that you are both unhappy with how often Erin is in the apartment, and he would like me to move out. It seems that we have a lot to talk about, so let's have a house meeting sometime in January. We'll sit down for an hour and discuss this. Hopefully, we can come up with a compromise that works for everybody.
On 12-30, Sam replied to both of us:
Hi guys,
I think that we should talk when I am back in town (Jan 16). We haven’t had a single proper conversation among the three of us since I moved in. However, I do not see the urgent need for anyone to move out, unless you guys have serious troubles with each other and decide it without me. Let’s all go for a beer to have a change of scenery!?
Yesterday, I sent this email to both of them:
Hello,
The bills are available. They are due this Friday. We each owe $X for electricity, $X for gas, and $X for internet.
I set up a whenisgood page for the house meeting. whenisgood.net/11111 Highlight the times that work for you, and we'll schedule something. Next Saturday, the 24th, I am having friends over for dinner. You are both welcome to join us. I hope all is well.
Mike replied to only me:
I know when the bills are due. You don't need to send reminders. I'm not attending any house meeting. Here's the deal: I've already had a good roommate move out because of you, your girlfriend, and your friends. I'm not letting that happen again. When we advertised the apartment we were very clear that we were looking for personality fit more-so than someone who just pays the bills and can't hang. Caroline had mentioned to me very early on that things seemed odd. Instead of addressing these concerns with you, she moved out. I've noticed more and more that you seem very uncomfortable in a lot of social situations. I've had people comment. You seem to have a bunch of small routines and have a difficult time adjusting to some spontaneity which makes for an uncomfortable situation all around. I'm all for dinner parties and friends - but your lifestyle and group of friends are miles away from that of Sam and Myself - which is why I put it nicely about thinking about a new living situation that seemed to fit your personality and lifestyle a bit better. Sam and I have a very similar outlook on the apartment and are very compatible. As I mentioned, you seem very comfortable in your routine, your career, your relationship, and your alumni friends. It's not a good fit for the apartment. I've never taken the "seniority" stance at the apartment but seeing as how someone has already specifically moved out because of you - I am. I've lived with multiple personalities and have gotten a long well with all individually. No one has ever moved out because of me. I'm sorry that this had to go down like this but that's how it goes. I've tried the dinner party/house meeting before and it never goes well.
Today, Sam submitted his availability to the whenisgood page.
The Roommates:
All of us came to the apartment as strangers via Craigslist. Mike has been living here for about three years. I have been here for a year and a half. Sam has been here for five months. Mike and Sam have become very friendly, and chat with each other in the common areas a lot.
I have no complaints about Sam. He is a great roommate, and a very pleasant person. He is very agreeable. I don't know if he actually agrees with Mike about wanting me to move out. It is possible that Mike went on a rant about me, and Sam nodded and offered sympathy, and now Mike thinks they are on the same page.
I have some complaints about Mike, but I'm not sure how relevant they are, and this post is already getting long. If people are curious, I can post an edit or a comment. He has owed me some money for a few months; last weekend, he gave me half of it, and told me I’d get the other half when I move out. It’s worth mentioning that he often pays the bills late; I’m not angry about that, but that’s why I send the reminder emails that he apparently doesn’t like.
Caroline (F 31) was the third roommate when I moved in. Her room (now Sam’s room) is right next to mine, and has poor sound insulation. When I had been dating Erin for a few weeks, Caroline asked me to turn on some music during sex. I did exactly what she asked (in case you’re curious, I put on classical music, not death metal). She never mentioned it again, and then moved out a few months later. It is possible that she moved out because of me.
Me:
I’m going to try to list my negative qualities as a roommate. I don’t have any more self-awareness than the average person, so maybe I’m missing something.
I spend most of my time either in my bedroom or out of the apartment. I realize that some people would rather have a sociable roommate than one who sits in his room, playing on reddit, but I'm not ashamed of who I am. I treat my roommates with respect, and do more than my fair share of cleaning.
I take up more than my fair share of shelf space in the kitchen and in the refrigerator, but we still have plenty of space available.
Once every month or two, I have friends over on a Saturday night. I always let my roommates know in advance, and invite them to join us (which they never do). We can get a little loud, but I don’t put on music, so it’s just talking. There are usually 5 or 10 of us, and everybody leaves around midnight or 1:00.
Sometimes I leave dirty dishes in the sink for a day or so. My roommates do the same thing, so I don’t think they’re upset about me doing it. It’s actually something I mentioned to Mike before I moved in, and to Sam before he moved in: I clean up after myself, but I don’t always have time to do it right away.
When I go to sleep, I tune my radio to static, and turn on a 60-minute sleep timer. My bedroom is right next to the kitchen, and I have a hard time falling asleep if I can hear people using the kitchen, so the white noise helps me fall asleep. I don’t know if this is bothering my roommates, but neither of them has said anything about it.
Sam and I share a wall with poor sound insulation. When Erin and I have sex, we put on classical music, to try to cover the sound.
Overnight visitors:
When Mike was dating someone, she spent time at our apartment, and sometimes spent the night. I don’t recall how frequent that was. When Sam moved in, his friend Fiona, who was visiting from out of town, lived in our apartment for a month. When Sam’s long-distance girlfriend visits, she lives in his room for a week or so. I never saw any reason to complain about any of these people. Fiona’s presence was certainly surprising, but I didn’t mind. I mention all of this, because I think it sets a precedent of overnight visitors being okay. I understand that there is a limit to that, and I am willing to comply with a limit once I find out what it is.
Until a month ago, Erin spent about 12 nights a month in the apartment. We don't spend much time in the common areas, except while eating meals and using the bathroom. She doesn’t have a key. She only comes over when I am home. About four months ago, Mike complained about having to wait for an extra person to shower in the morning. Erin and I started waking up earlier, and now we are both able to finish showing before Mike wakes up. Since mike sent me the email on 12-20, Erin has been to the apartment exactly twice. We thought it would be helpful to spend more time at her place to appease Mike, but he is still angry with me.
Going forward:
So far, two thirds of us have agreed that a meeting would be helpful. Unless Mike can convince Sam otherwise, this meeting will happen, and I hope that all three of us are present.
I would like to discuss what everyone is unhappy about, and come to a compromise. I am willing to agree to terms such as a limit on how often Erin can visit. I would propose a few terms of my own, such as a deadline for Mike to give me the rest of the money he owes me.
If Sam doesn’t want me to leave, then I have no plans to leave. There are three of us in this apartment, and I see no reason to leave my home because one person thinks that his “seniority” entitles him to make executive decisions.
If Sam does want me to leave, then I am willing to leave, after we have had a serious discussion about it. The way the housing market works in this town, I won’t be able to give more than a few days notice before moving. If Mike and Sam are unable to find a replacement in that time, then I don’t want to be on the hook for double rent for a month. I’ll already be spending a lot of time and money on moving, so I would want them to be responsible for my share of the rent after I leave. This will require the landlord signing a document releasing me from the lease, and I want Mike and Sam to be in charge of asking him for that.
TL;DR:
Mike told me to move out. Sam is out of town. I don’t know how Sam feels about me, but he said that there’s no urgent need for me to move out.
I was only given vague complaints, so I don’t really know how to respond. All I know for sure is that Mike finds me socially awkward, and thinks that my girlfriend spends too much time at the apartment (which we have vastly decreased since he complained).
Questions:
If we do have a house meeting, how should I prepare? What should I be ready to say? I've never been to a house meeting before.
I’m having a hard time thinking of more specific questions, because Mike gave me very vague complaints. Is there any other advice you can offer?
Submitted January 14, 2015 at 07:24AM by il_coinquilino http://ift.tt/1u4OXT6 relationships
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