Hi All,
I have been a lurker here for a while, never really posting but relating to many. I am a HL female and my husband is a LL non-initiator. We have been together over 15 years now, with our sexual relationship being one of the only things we ever really argued about (my HL and his LL).
I want to highlight something before I start (This may get long, so I apologize in advance for the wall of text). I know there are not many positive stories on here, but I wonder how many there actually are that just don't get posted. I, personally, have not posted that I am no longer in a dead bedroom because to me it felt like bragging about having a refrigerator full of food to someone who hasn't had anything to eat in 2 days. Maybe I shouldn't have thought of it that way, but I did, and I didn't want it to be like... hey look at me, I'm having sex now, aren't I lucky?
Anyway, here is my story. I don't know if it will help anyone at all, but it's at least a positive story and proof that things CAN be better, though I can't say if it will last forever, as no one really can.
Throughout our relationship, my husband and I have only had one recurring issue that has caused problems in our marriage - his lack of sex drive and initiation of sex. His lack of initiation was always a big factor for me and hit my confidence really hard. He was my first, and to me, not being chased meant I wasn't worth chasing. It took me a long time to figure out that that was not necessarily true. Anyway, On top of his lack of initiation, there were many many times where I would initiate and he would turn me down for various reasons, which was like being punched in the gut each and every time. After a while, I stopped initiating because I couldn't stand the rejection anymore. I gained a lot of weight, replacing sex with food, etc. which is something I realize is my issue and I am not blaming him for. It was my way of coping and it was the wrong way of coping. Our sex life had it's ups and downs, there were many times where we had short periods of time where we would have a lot of sex, but it never lasted more than a couple of weeks then it would be back to being rejected. I always felt something was wrong with me, because growing up I always heard how men always want sex, it's all they think about, etc. So to be rejected was like the ultimate humiliation to me. People always say that women don't have to "try" to get laid. That is complete bullshit.
During our times of having a mostly dead bedroom, we did manage to have two kids. We wanted kids so were having sex to make that happen, but after I was pregnant it went right back to a mostly dead bedroom. As of the last couple of years it has been really bad - almost no sex at all, virtually no initiation from my husband and very little from me because at this point I felt ugly and unsexy and couldn't handle the rejection. Our sex life dropped to just a few times a year, for about 2 years. I found myself growing resentful of my husband. Everything he did irritated me and I had a hard time looking at him the way I used to. Our lack of sex was causing me to drift away and I hated him for it. I wanted desperately to have a good relationship, to have him look at me the way he used to and to have a good sex life, but I gave up on that and it made me bitter. I was always pretty good at hiding the fact that I resented him for it, but as of the last year or so I found that it was getting harder and harder for me to be nice to him, to even give a shit how his day was or what he wanted. I was pissed, hurt, unsatisfied. I just didn't like being around him. It was easier to resent him than it was to feel unwanted and sad. I thought many times about leaving, but with two small children it was just something I wasn't sure I was ready to do, and I hated the idea of making such a huge life change over sex. To break up my family over sex. How do you explain that to your kids later when they ask you why you left daddy? As I got closer and closer to feeling like I needed to be free, to just be with someone who would fuck me and make me feel like sexy confident woman I knew I could be, I started thinking about counseling. I read a LOT of advice online, etc. At one point, I thought to myself, ok, if you are going to do this, you have to give it one more try. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. You deserve to have a good sex life. You need to take the initiative and make it happen, or at least try before you give up completely. I decided to do everything I could to make an effort to put out what I wanted to get back in return. It took some time, but I stopped being resentful. I started making an effort to kiss my husband when he got home and look happy to see him, to ask him how his day was and really listen, to cuddle with him again. I started initiating again, adding extra effort to let him know how sexy I thought he was and how much he turned me on. I tried to make it less about me wanting sex and mor about him turning me on so much I couldn't keep my hands off of him. I'd tell him that I thought of him while I pleasured myself, or that when I had a sexy dream about him. It didn't take too long before I started noticing some changes, which made me want to try harder. Boosting his confidence was helping me boost mine.
At one point, over a matter of a week or two, I found my efforts were working but not enough. The sex still wasn't there (it was not nonexistant but it was't still infrequent) and I still felt he lacked interest. It was affecting me a lot again because I felt I had tried and there was nothing left to do. He noticed I was upset, at night I would go to bed with him hoping something would happen and when nothing did, I would get up and leave the room - usually to cry, sometimes to just watch TV and get my mind off of things. He asked me a couple of times what was wrong and I just couldn't answer. We had been here so many times it felt pointless to even discuss it anymore and quite frankly I was embarrassed. Embarrassed to say out loud that my own husband didn't want to have sex with me. Finally, one night I got upset and I told him that his lack of interest in sex was making me feel like he thought I was disgusting and ugly and it was hurting me a great deal. I told him I felt like he didn't want to be with me anymore and that he can tell me he wants to be with me as much as he wants but he doesn't show me that he wants to be with me. He assured me that wasn't the case, but I had heard that so many times that I didn't believe things would change. After that I noticed that he was making more of an effort, he was returnig my welcome home kisses with more enthusiasm, and coming to me when I didnt come to him when he got home, which was nice. I started initiating again, and he wasn't turning me down. I made an effort to tell him during the day (texts, etc.) that I was thinking of him, that I couldn't wait til he got home. I told him about all the things I wanted to try sexually. I bought lingerie (mostly for me because it made me feel good after feeling so ugly and unwanted for so long) and tried my best to act confident. I explained to him how much I thought about sex and how much I felt like i needed it, and that it was driving me insane not to be able to have him when I was so attracted to him, etc. While he still isn't great at initiating, he has not been turning me down, even when I know he probably wants to sometimes because he has had a long day at work etc. I'm not sure what happened but I think our conversation finally clicked and he realized how much I needed a sexual relationship to really be happy in our marriage.
I am not really sure where I am going here. I don't have any great advice for anyone, but I wanted to post my story because it's been a few months now and we have a very active sex life. We are trying new things and having the best sex we have ever had. I still find myself having to initiate 90% of the time, but the fact that he no longer says no has boosted my confidence a lot and has made me feel like a more sexy and confident woman. I know what I want, and I am no longer afraid to ask for it. I can't say whether it will last or not, but it feels different this time, and I am hoping it does. I realize now that I will probably have to continue being the one to put forth the most effort in putting him in the mood or telling him what I want and making it happen, but I have decided that if I need to do that to keep my sex life alive, it's certainly worth it.
Submitted January 23, 2015 at 02:53AM by NoMoreDBR http://ift.tt/1ExPvqw DeadBedrooms
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