Chocolate Pie trees

So I'm home with my parents for winter break, and after choosing to eat shitty dining hall food for four months instead of being an actual adult who prepares their own meals, eating my mom's superb cooking again has been an absolute pleasure. In addition to preparing meals from every vertex of the food pyramid, she makes exceptional desserts: cakes, cookies, puddings, chocolates and much much more. Now as is my habit, I get pretty lifted every night after my parents go to bed. Unfortunately my mom is well aware of this, and is also aware that if baked me ever got my hands on one of these marvelous confections I would devour it in its entirety. And so, after every glorious debut of a new dessert at dinnertime, she hides it. Presumably the location of these desserts is not exceptionally inconspicuous, but since after I blaze I can barely find my way back in the house let alone an item someone was purposely hiding from me, the location of these desserts is as yet unbeknownst to me, and I can only assume she keeps them in a bomb-proof safe swaddled in an invisibility cloak.

Last night, my mom made chocolate pie. It looked so dank I can't even fully describe to you ents. Just looking at it I knew that one slice at dinner wouldn't be enough. I knew that if later that night high me was forced to scour the kitchen for wheat thins and pita chips all the while knowing that somewhere there was a delicious, succulent chocolate pie hidden just out of reach that I might just die. And so I devised a plan. That night at dinner, when I got rationed my one slice of pie, I would pretend that I didn't like it. My mom, though quite shocked, would observe no threat from me upon her pie, and would not go through the effort of hiding it. And then that night I would be free to go absolutely ham on the pie, knowing that this stunt would never work again.

The only problem with this plan is that as a person, I get very hype, very easily. And when I get hype, I let fucking every one know. My hype explodes out of every orifice like a pressure wave, and I honestly wasn't sure I was gonna be able to hold it all in and play it cool, because just looking at that silky smooth chocolate pie was already getting my pretty fucking hype. I knew that I would have to give the best performance of my life if I was gonna pull this off.

It came time for dessert. I sat in front of my parents at the dinner table and took a bite from this moist, creamy little brown triangle. Shit was bomb. Shit was so bomb. Shit was so fucking bomb guys I can't even fuck omg. It was the silkiest mouthful of chocolate ecstasy I had ever experienced. I could barely restrain myself from yelling "OH FUCK YEAH" right there at the dinner table. It was like I had found my mouths clitoris and chocolate fingers with the texture of velvet were gently pounding it into an orgasm that sent shockwaves through my whole body. I thought to myself "I bet this is what black jesus' dick tastes like" before I summoned my last reserve of composure and made a face as if I had gone two inches too far while giving a girl head. "This tastes weirdly sour", I declare in the biggest lie I've ever told my parents, "I don't like it". The slightly crestfallen look on my mothers face assures me that I have succeeded. In the greatest display of the marshmallow principle I have personally ever witnessed, I pushed that little slice of heaven away from my seat, and asked to be excused.

Later that night, at a solid [8], I open up the refrigerator to see my precious beautiful pie with only three slices taken out. And so, like a king sitting down on his throne for the first time, I ate the whole goddamn pie.

TLDR: tricked my mom, ate a pie, went to bed feeling like I just got laid.

Submitted January 05, 2015 at 02:40AM by connect4king http://ift.tt/1DlCnV1 trees