Obvious throwaway because I need some anonymity. Regular Reddit poster for over a year. LONG POST AHEAD!
Background story: my SO and I have been together for close to 2 years. He had a history of substance abuse that I was well aware of, and has been on methadone maintenance therapy since prior to us meeting. He's been (at his request) slowing weaning down his dosage to be completely done with it- it's a crutch that keeps us from being able to travel and even sleep late on weekends, and he really wants to finally be finished with the whole thing. I never pushed or asked him to do this, but as our relationship has gotten more and more serious, he really felt it was important to take this step.
He is being "blind-dosed" and does not know what his exact amount it, but we can both tell when it gets reduced because he feels a little sickly/sluggish for a couple of days until it settles with him. I'm thinking probably last Wednesday it was lowered yet again because Thursday/Fri/Sat were a little rough for him- he would start feeling pretty shitty around 2pm.
Then yesterday morning comes. It's Sunday, we're both home together all day, we have a late breakfast and on track for a lovely day of seeing family and watching football and the normal fun Sundays we always have. He felt crappy when he woke up, went for his methadone dose and came home and I (THOUGHT) was fine. He's watching tv while I'm cleaning up from breakfast and call my mom to say hi. I can hear him on his phone having an abnormally hush-hush two second conversation and then tells me he's going out for a sec and will be right back. Ok, fine, I assume he's probably going to stop over and see his mom or something (not out of character) and finish my phone call.
An hour goes by. Feels like he's been gone a little long, but I pride myself on not being a pain in the ass so I don't call/text him. I do, however, check our bank account and can see he stopped at an ATM that we never use and took out some cash. I'm not happy about this because this was a tight week and we had agreed on Friday that we'd be frugal this week and this withdrawal is too large to not be noticed.
I text him: me: "not happy about that move" him: "I'm getting beer to bring to XX's for the game. what kind do you want?" me: "I don't care." him: "do you need anything while I am out?" me: "no, I just need a good explanation once you get back." him: "I'm, coming home and I'll tell you everything. me: "cant wait to hear this"
Alright, maybe I'm being bitchy but I'm not liking the feel of this. Disappears essentially for over an hour... to buy.... beer??? WTF? This is completely not like him- plus our refrigerator is STOCKED WITH ALCOHOL FOR GAME DAY ALREADY!
Gets home 20 mins later, no beer with him. I'm in the kitchen and he comes in and starts with, "I don't want to lie to you about anything." I'm listening. I'm honestly assuming he's going to tell me he lent a relative some cash (he has some money grubbing relatives that like to mooch from us from time to time, so I'm annoyed but I can handle that and was already resigned to just saying OK and moving on with the day).
What he proceeds to sloppily explain to me is that he was really feeing horrible this morning and went and got a small amount of heroin to smooth him out- he will see his counselor tomorrow (today) and tell her that he is feeling sick and they will increase his methadone dosage 5mg and temporarily halt the detoxing. I'm paraphrasing this neatly because I was pretty much kicked in the gut by this statement. My jaw just hung open and I was literally backing up further and further away from him as he talked until finally my back is against the farthest kitchen wall and I just break and cry, and it takes a LOT to get me to cry.
We've had many, many talks about how if he EVER felt the urge to use he would talk to me FIRST- he'd not keep this to himself and just go do it and then tell me after the fact. I don't know what "being high" looks like (not on this anyway, I have no past drug use of any kind) but his eyes look strange and he's hoarse and just looks like a different person to me. I'm so sad. I'm just heartbroken. He doesn't seem any different in his behavior really, but knowing what he just did to himself makes me feel so sick inside. If someone had asked me yesterday at 9am if this man would risk our relationship ("You are the most important person in the world to me, and I'd never do anything that would risk losing you"), I'd look them dead in the eye and say, "Never. He's done with that part of his life and will never go back." That's foolish, I now see. He can't promise me he'll never do this again. He said he just wanted to not feel so shitty today and spoil our Sunday and this isn't a step back to that lifestyle, it's just a little tiny bit to smooth him out. Finally, I'm just like, "stop talking to me. I don't even know who you are right now. I really don't want to see you like this. You realize you just put our whole relationship at risk, don't you? This is a thousand steps back in the wrong direction for me."
A little time passes. I tell him I can't go with him to XX's house and hang out all afternoon because everyone will see me and know that someone is bothering me. Every glance at him makes me tear up a little. I can't do it. I tell him to go, and go without me. Say I wasn't feeling well or something. "No, I want to be with YOU. I want you there with me. I don't want you to be here all alone and just letting your mind spin out of control over this. I had no idea you would have such a hard time over this. It's just to get me over this sickness- I'm not doing this again! And seeing you just crumble in front of me makes me realize I can't hurt you like this. You're my life. I don't want to lose you."
So I go. Drinks are had. Dinner was nice. Eagles lost the game, but we had fun anyway. Came home and talked more about things and endless apologies all around. I even said I was sorry for freaking out over it. I told him that I felt like I "saved" him from that kind of life, and part of my ego is hurt that I am not the special little angel I thought I was to him. Not true, he tells me. You DID save me from a life of drugs and this is not a relapse. Fall asleep cuddled up and feeling very much in love and like we normally are. I adore him. I'd never leave him. We are so connected and really, our lives revolve around each other. We're one of those couples that people look at and can just tell are completely in love with each other. We don't have children and will not be having any in the future, so we are all about US and we have a great relationship and understand each other really well- we're supportive of each other's goals and pursuits and careers, we respect each other, we talk endlessly about everything and anything.
Wake up today. We get dressed and he leaves for work. I have about 20 minutes before I have to leave and I just start to cry. This is the first I have been alone since it happened and I can't process it. Plus my wine buzz is gone and now in the light of day I realize I am just at a loss here. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this- not because I don't have friends and family, but because I have kept his past drug use to myself because people are judgmental and that's just life and I don't care what anyone things about his past. I am okay with that and anyone who doesn't like my choice of mate can go fuck off IMO. So I'm alone in this. Hence, I turn to the mighty interwebs. I don't know what to do about this. I'm not going to end this relationship, that never crossed my mind. We are in this for good. I just look at him now and think, "he's a junkie. he always was and will always be." My sweetheart stuck a needle in his arm yesterday and I have to pretend that it is okay. It's not okay. Even though he's on the methadone, I can be okay with that in my head because it's medically supervised and I consider him "clean" because he's not doing street drugs. He's got a great job and is very professional- you'd never take a look at him and think anything like this was ever a part of his life. We have nice cars, a lovely home, the whole little dream. Is my dream being shattered?
Anyone else that loves a recovering addict or is one themselves- help me out here. How to I wrap my head around this???
TL;DR: recovering addict SO fucked up royally by dabbling yesterday. how to proceed/cope?
Submitted October 27, 2014 at 09:09PM by heartbrokenprincess http://ift.tt/1tZlMFT relationship_advice
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