I’m consciously ruining my life and there’s nothing I can do about it. depression

This is a very long post. I’m writing this post at 5 am in the morning because I haven’t gone to sleep. For almost 3 weeks. I constantly try to keep myself awake with coffee, tea, cigarettes, vapes, booze and a butt-ton of weed. I doze off for a little while here and there, but that’s just to maintain the illusion of getting proper rest. All because I’m trying to fix my life, but all I’m doing is hopelessly ruining it even further. I’m a college student, and I’m in my first year of Bachelors in Aerospace Engineering, and I love the subject. I’m trying really hard to be good at it, but I always find an excuse to not do my work. I am constantly trying to find new TV shows to drown myself in and I binge watch them even during week days and work nights. I have begun missing classes, and those that I go for, I find myself distracted by how pathetic I have become. I know how to cook, but I have been ordering takeout non-stop for the past 4 weeks, which has brought the balance on my card to dangerously low levels, and my room is in such a pathetic mess, that it would take at least 4 hours to clean. More importantly, my self esteem has stooped so low, that even though I’m losing weight (I’m slightly overweight), i look dangerously sick and my face and my body are a mess. I used to have a long-distance relationship, but since I began spiralling out of control, she left me too because she couldn’t stand what I was becoming. I have 4 beers and one packet of carrots in refrigerator. That’s it. And I have class in 3 hours that I know if I gave a fuck, I would ace. But I just don’t have the willpower anymore.

Please help me guys. How do I get my life back together? I had so many plans for college, but none of them seem to take off, and the thing that hits me the most, is the fact that I have actually been looking to confide in someone who cares for me, but the walking shitshow that I am, I am unable to talk to girls anymore, because they can’t look at me. I CAN’T LOOK AT MYSELF. I really want to better than what I am right now.

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me vent.

Submitted December 06, 2017 at 10:46AM by druggedpercussionist http://ift.tt/2jiYgm3 depression