When I was a younger man, my friends and I were a bunch of drunken hoodlums. We never did anything overtly illegal. Just a lot of stupid shenanigans. I’m going to catalog a few I can think of for your enjoyment.
Superman
I used to be really into martial arts. The Master instructor was a close friend, and also a massive alcoholic. Well he would throw these bi-weekly keggers and invite a bunch of the other instructors and myself over for drunken fun. I have a massive alcohol tolerance and am not exactly the best at gauging how drunk I am. So I have a tendency to sprint at where I think my limit is and horribly overestimating where it was. I drown an entire bottle of Southern Comfort and just collapse on the couch. We sat there just cracking jokes and laughing our asses off. When they all decide to go play foosball, which is downstairs. They all scurry there quick. I on the other hand, am moving at a pace that makes a snail look like a Porsche. I’m walking, and just keep collapsing. Finally I get to the staircase. I eye it up. There’s no way on God’s green earth I am walking down these stairs. First off I would most likely stumble down and break my hip or something. Secondly, if I do walk down them, it’s going to take a week and a half because of slow I’d be walking. I lean against the wall and see there is a bit of a hallway behind me. Lightbulb! I’m going to walk down it a few steps, try to get a running start, and just Superman dive down these motherfuckers. I back up, gain my composure for a minute, line up my trajectory, and just bolt. I get to the top step and I leap head first down the stairs. I narrowly miss headbutting the top of the doorframe. I land in the middle of the room in a big crash and everyone jumps and yells, “what the fuck!?” They check on me to make sure I’m not severely injured, they insist I go to the hospital. I tell them no I’m fine, someone grab me a goddamn beer and let's play some fucking foosball!
Mudflap Rick
Rick used to be a real close friend. But he was also a bit of a prick. Well one day Rick and his brother come over to my house. We’re going to do a bit of drinking and play some Playstation. My cousin was also over, he had been staying with me for a while. So he had stocked up on food which was all stored in my refrigerator. Now Rick absolutely HATES my cousin. Rick has a love for Jackass, particularly Dave England. Rick decides he’s going to play a prank on my cousin, I ask him not to, because I honestly didn’t see this going well. As the night goes on Rick eventually interrupts the game cause he has a storm a brewing and needs to go relieve himself. After about a half an hour Rick comes back. We all crack jokes about how things worked out. We all laugh and have a good time. Some amount of time later my cousin announces he is hungry and decides he’s going to eat some cantaloupe. He heads into the kitchen, grabs a kitchen knife. Grabs his melon, cuts into it, drops everything and starts screaming like a little girl who just saw her cat die. This cantaloupe was completely filled with liquid shit. Rick stands up starts bowing and says, “take that you fucker!”
Red Bull Run
My cousin, a buddy, and I all decided to get an apartment together. We moved in, fairly common stuff. We decided that Friday night we were going to throw a housewarming party. As mentioned earlier, I have quite the alcohol tolerance. I issued a blanket challenge to everyone there that I will go shot-for-shot with them and drink them under the table. Not only that I upped the odds and said I would do two shots for each one they did. They all accept. So now I’m drinking two shots every time one of them does a shot, and there’s 6 of us in this apartment. We had 3 bottles of Jager and a case of redbull. We started doing Jager bombs. I drank around a bottle and a half of the Jager. We had to save one bottle for my cousin for when he got home for work. But we were completely out of Red Bull. I decide I’m going to be a hero and go on a Red Bull run. Now at this time I was no longer a person. I was alcohol incarnate. Because in addition to all these Jager bombs, I also consumed a fair amount of Jack Daniels. In combination with the Red Bull, it was just a recipe for disaster. I should in all fairness be passed out. But I can’t sleep because I have wings. Now another important thing to note, there are 6 people crammed in the living room of this apartment, it is as hot as the devil’s nuts. I get outside and I need to cool off. It’s the middle of January, in Wisconsin. It must have been -10 with the wind chill. But not to me, I’m burning up. So I start stripping as I walk to the convenience store down the street. My friends trailing behind me grabbing my clothes and trying to get me dressed again. I shove them and say fuck this shit! I go running down the street “What’s My Age Again” style. I get to the convenience store, buck ass nekkid. I bust in like I’m Ric Flair, “WOOO!!!” Walk back to the Red Bull, grab a case, and head to the counter. I plop the drinks down. The attendant, a female I’ve been crushing on for a minute, just scanned the drinks and kept eye contact with me. (So thankful she didn’t call the police) I pat my chest and butt. “I think I forgot my wallet… My friends should be here soon, they’ve got money.” I stand there awkwardly for about 5 minutes, my friends are standing outside just shaking their heads. They come in, they apologize for my actions. I pay for the Red Bull. After the transaction was complete I decide I’m Casanova all the sudden for some reason and just start laying down a real smooth play at the clerk. Trying my hardest to get her to come back to the party. She declines, repeatedly. We then left. At this point I think it’s my friends fault so I bolt off again yelling, “Fucking cock blockers!” I make it about a block and I pass out in the snow. Woke up the next day in the bathroom.
The Incredible Hulk takes the biggest shits
One night in our hometown, Mudflap Rick, his brother, and a buddy of ours are walking down the main street each of us killing a sixer and a bottle of super cheap vodka. I believe we were on our way back from a Halloween party, because I remember Rick being painted green and wearing a pair of Hulk hands. We come upon an unattended police vehicle. We lived in a small town, so we knew exactly who the car belonged to. Well earlier that month Rick got pulled over and got his license suspended. Rick decides he’s going to get a little revenge. So climbs up on the hood of the Crown Vic. Pulls his pants down to his knees. Squats down and drops the biggest shit I’ve seen in my entire life on the windshield of this car. We hear someone coming so we all book it to some nearby bushes and hide. It’s the cop, he’s getting ready to head to his shift. Miraculously he doesn’t notice this massive dook in the middle of the windshield. He hops in and starts it up. After a minute he looks out the front. His face contorts into a look that is a cross between horror and disgust. We all start laughing hysterically. We weren’t even remotely prepared for what happened next. In an attempt to clear the feces, the officer turns on his wipers. It didn’t have the effect I think he intended cause it just smeared streaks of crap back and forth across. We lost it at this point. He must have heard us then, because he leapt out of the car and started running toward the shrubs we were in. We all scatter and just run. We all met up at my apartment later. Upon Rick showing up we all laughed ourselves to tears.
Submitted December 06, 2017 at 10:37AM by utternewb http://ift.tt/2AWGzmf shortstories
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