This story is not for the defeatists, if you are one, just scroll away. I'm: male, 31, with a college degree in mechatronics, one day when I was 28 yo, started to feel inferior to the rest of the people, I always was very smart in all tech and computers, but never had a girlfriend, and never got a decent job, I got fired twice, and I had 3 friends, one girl from uni, one guy from uni, and one guy from 7th grade. I had to leave college after two years of getting in, because of money and then I started again in another school and got my degree at the age of 25. All the people around me started getting successful, getting married, having kids, traveling, cars, fun, and I didn't. ok. that's my background, now I'm talking about the moment when I got sad. I always wanted to do a lot of things, like to get a lot of friends, have a girlfriend, create technology, and something else that I didn't know. So I was there at my job, sitting at a desk making tons of phone calls, and filling a spreadsheet, when I exploded. I stood up walked to my manager and told him I wanted to quit, he asked why? and I said, I don't know. I walked to human resources and quit, same question, same answer. it was 3pm I walked outside, and smelled the air of "freedom" without knowing the hell that I was about to experience. I got home, and my mom asked me what happened, I explained it to her and she imploded, she didn't said a word, but had a face that I will always remember. I went to my room and slept. The next day I decided I wanted to "understand" just that; "understand" what? I didn't know. so I started thinking, I used all my energy and time to think. The next day my mom yelled at me, said a lot of painful things to me, and from that moment she used all her power to traumatize me into returning to my job or to get another one. I continued thinking and thinking, but now with my crazy mom trying to help me at all costs but by traumatizing me into getting a job. And I kept thinking and thinking and thinking, and after a few months I started understanding the basics of humanity. "why is my mom yelling at me?", "because she loves me", "does she know she is making me sick?", "I don't know"... and I kept thinking and thinking, more days got passed, and I started understanding that people lie, people cheat, people hurt, even my mom, my friends and everyone around me tried to help me by saying lots of things to me, some were nice, some were harsh, and I got pretty confused, but I kept thinking and thinking. Then the “heartbreaks” started, I heard my mom talking to my grandma about me, and she told her I was a very bad person, she said I was abusing her kindness too much, and she believed I wanted to be in my room forever and be fed like a pet; even though I tried to make my mom understand what I was doing. Still to this day my mom does not understand that I was thinking and learning something I wasn't born with. Ok... time passed, and I lost my three friends, I had no money at all, not even a single cent, and I stole food from my refrigerator for the next 2 years, my mom even got as far as not to buy food for days to make me look somewhere else for it, I didn't have friends so I had nowhere to get food, so I got 3 days without eating anything, just water. I grew alone in a room, away from everything, and I thought I was getting crazy, but I kept on with my thinking, and believe me, I learned a lot, and trained a lot, I watched tv shows and movies to learn to understand facial expressions, and social culture, “are people so crazy for sex?”, “does everybody lie?”, “why does that girl want to control that dude's mind?”, and my heart got broken hundreds of times, humans suck -I thought- and I started thinking about suicide, but what stopped me was my goal, to understand, I thought “if I understand and it still sucks, I kill myself at the spot”. So I kept learning. Until one day I “learned it all”, humans suck but if I suck too I'm a human, so to be a human I have to suck too; (confusing huh? I mean humans don't suck they just do human nature, so if I believe human nature sucks then I avoid it and I stop being human, so humans hate me. But if I make human nature then I become a human too and they start liking me.) Pretty confusing stuff. I am really convinced that aspergers people are one step away from animals, but we are so few that there is no way we can be considered normal. Maybe after 300 years of evolution, aspergers will be the new standard and wars will end. BUT, returning to reality, I learned human nature for two years and I started finding a logic to it, so I was sure I was ready for the normal world. So I came out of my room and started looking for a job, got 4 or 5 interviews in 6 months and they never called back, so I made an effort to act, (as an actor) more neurotypical, smiling a lot, being active but professional and serious, and I noticed the interviewer was reacting in a positive way, so I kept up the act, and continued for the next two interviews in that job, everything he said and all his body language was interpreted by me perfectly, (it was very tiring, so much brain power into deciphering all that little actions, and behaviors) but I got it, I got that fucking job!! and not any job, It was a fucking manager job!! It was so overwhelming!! so I started working there. Getting that job wasn't an accident, I planned it, people's brains can get really far to survive, I didn't wanted to do any illegal stuff, I had to do it by legal means at all costs. The plan was like this: people want to get the best job possible, at the best company as possible, so they go for the big ones: samsung, hp, ford... but no one wants to work in the small ones, no one dreams of getting a job at a lousy company ever. So If I sell myself as Mr. Allmighty to a small company and more importantly, if they like me as a person, I have to get the job. And it worked, all my tech knowledge was the final blow to the mix, so I am a manager, the most difficult job for an aspie, because it involves a lot of human contact, but I have a “PhD on human nature” (not a formal PhD, just a dude with a lot of time to learn). So I thought, “if they fire me it doesn't matter, I will learn a lot from this experience” so I started working and knowing my subordinates, and the other managers. At first it was so complicated! Because I had a lot of restraints to my personality, so I followed Will Smith's Hitch advice and revealed my true self gradually... I have been there for a month now, and I have seen so much things there, It's indescribable, every minute of every day I learn something completely new for me, and it blows my mind, the first days I had to sleep a lot to let my brain to assemble the thoughts of the day and now after a month, I'm “stable” or at least I think I am stable, I have managed to learn and practice all the human nature I didn't have, and for starters, I would say it just consist on smiling all day long, If someone says something with no logic at all, it has to be a joke, so if you just smile and say nothing, it works, if someone acts different they are into something, and you have to figure out what do they feel; everything is people having feelings and acting about them at the extent of their logic, and after a while you learn to read faces like an open book and you start “reading people's minds”. It's so complex... So for the end I will say this: We aspergers are obsessive, use that obsession to learn human nature, and one day you will understand it, and that day you will be an emulated neurotypical, and will get something out of this life. If you have questions I will gladly answer them down below. If you want to learn something about human nature ask it here as well. and never give up, and remember, the universe we see is a set of superstitions.
Submitted August 05, 2016 at 07:36AM by quienchingados http://ift.tt/2aHIb3o aspergers
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