Hello and welcome to my humble post as I search for a new beginning with someone, who hopefully, is attractive with a low IQ score and as (fingers crossed) complacent as a near dead circus pony coming off a three month drug binge.
You must meet all the below requirements or I WILL NOT RESPOND!(x100 for dramatic effect)
First: You will be at least 6'8 to 7'8 in height. No exceptions! For I am short (think a toad and a garden gnome procreated and I'm somewhere in the area of that) and will need help getting things off the top of the refrigerator, top shelf grocery items, and lifted up into trees so I can steal bird eggs out of nest. Why do I need bird eggs? Doesn't matter. Moving on.
My favorite movie also happens to be, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, So I need someone tall so we can role play the character, Master Blaster. I will sit on your shoulders and we will take over Bartertown together.
Who run Bartertown? We do, bitches.
You will be between the ages of 22.4 and 22.8. No exceptions! Though I will go younger but not older. You will also be born between the months of October and December for those are the only astrological signs I am compatible with. All others, especially Gemini's’, I have severe allergic reactions to. (sniff)
You will be completely hairless and shaved. For those of you with hair on the head and some eyebrow. We may be able to negotiate. But I prefer my women to look like androids with a sip of groovy shapes and a flying time with the trip personality. Know what I mean? No? Moving on.
You will be in fit physical shape. For I will measure your body fat on a weekly basis. If you are a centimeter off my recommend measurements, I will fat shame you till you cry. But, because I’m a nice guy, I will probably feel bad and order you a pizza. You will bite into this pizza. You will smile. But it was a trick. I was only testing you. You disgust me.
Your skin must be immaculate. No scars, tattoos, ingrown hairs, wrinkles, or any type of radioactive lines or shades. If I find one defect, JUST ONE … I will still probably have sex with you. But I will be wearing three condoms and a bodysuit as not to be contaminated by your aids and filth. I will also be taking a shower afterwards while screaming verbally abusive slang I learned in prison at you.
You must make at least two hundred thousand a year, have a car with leather seats only (I am allergic to all other fabrics), and own your own house. I will be checking this house for any flaws. I will make sure you have proper procedural fire escapes, fire alarms, working lights, air conditioner, dust free table tops, mold, and will test the integrity of the foundation. If I find anything wrong, I will not be staying there.
You will also be referred to as 'Tugboat' and when I say this you will respond with, 'Toot Toot', and then assume the position.
If this at all sounds like you, please feel free to send me a message. Please note that i will put you through a rigorous application process as well as an endurance/stamina test where you will be judged by technique, artistry, and expertise. You will be asked the three most important questions in life. What is best in life? Can you define yourself without using adjectives or vowels? Are you willing to take my mother's role by defeating her in a knife fight?
Some of you may say. But ... But ... Your expectations are ridiculous. To you ladies I say: Is it? Or is it not enough? What are you willing to do for love? Is this not America? Home of the whopper. The television dinner. Nascar. Fantasy football! Budweiser! This is the country where Jesus was born and died. I remember his last words.
America. Why have you forsaken me?
America! Where mainstream music reminds us of a dying couples dreams. Everything commercialized, corporate, soulless and exasperated. Where we hang pets on pedestals, call people who throw balls heroes, and cannibalize the homeless. America, oh sweet America. And I say, Yes! Why should I take anything less? I’m American. Home of the self absorbed, self indulgent, narcissistic, praying to the materialistic gods of state lottery. I am the master of this multiple universe! Sure, you may condemn me. Say I’m shallow because I don’t want to date little Miss Neurotic Butter Biscuits from suburbia with the trending name, who’s one critique away from overdosing on daddy’s testosterone, mommy’s methamphetamines, and her brother’s stolen viagra. Sure, I could be in the hospital with her in that uncomfortable situation while I watch that vegetable twitch and I look at her parents with a smile and say:
Oh. Look! That’s vegatable talk for, I love you.
This is America. I have a choice, Ladies. I get to pick my mediocrity. This is America where testosterone, fear, sex, sugar, and caffeine is in our daily diet. Because we need that fix of cortisol the adrenal glands release. We want to be vegetables who can’t remember the last happy memory we had without sliding into a perpetual state of always being horny and afraid. Who needs a personality when you're a goddamn American? We don’t fear death because death is outlawed.
We have all the choices. Black or white. Democrat or Republican. God or devil. Rich or poor. Smart or stupid. No middle ground here. No time. We got money to be making. Draw the line. Either you’re with us or we hate you. Oh yes, America, home of the narcissist, the self absorbed, placid psychopaths, and we got all the guns!
Ha.
What was that, Canada?
Oh. I thought you said something.
Now go bring me a budweiser, my shotgun, and turn on the television. Football is on. And don’t make any sudden movements. I don’t want the anxiety; I have pussy coming in at nine.
Now about me.
I'm 4'8, extremely overweight, covered in body hair (in fact, people usually refer to me as a cross between a Sasquatch and an autistic hobbit), I have most of my teeth. Well, I have enough teeth to still have to own a toothbrush but not enough to eat an apple.
I'm balding, allergic to sunlight, my penis is between 2-4 inches (depending on weather), live with my mom, don't have a car but I have a bicycle with a basket so I can still grocery shop or kidnap small animals.
I smoke heavily, drink cheap beer, and fart like a diseased grizzly bear.
I have a robotic arm, a foot with onychomycosis, and a rabid poodle mutant as a spirit animal.
Religious belief: I happen to be a non-christian atheistic nihilist with a penchant for the occult and worshiping Drago, the ocean serpent of mermaid pro sit utopia, for sexual favors.
In politics I tend to lean the same way my penis does (to the left). I don't vote and believe myself to be a nonconformist who shits out pretentious pseudo nonsense. I believe we are living in a tyrannical, kleptocratic oligarchy that is pushing the world into a over surveillance, big brother, police state which will be run by old hookers with whips and octopus gender neutral hybrids.
Since I'm an artist and iconoclastic, I refuse to work jobs that may conflict with my contradictions. Besides, I'm allergic to ninety percent of the shit outside.
Some people say I'm lazy, I say I'm cerebral.
I have five maxed out characters on World of Warcraft, second in command in my dungeon and dragons guild (two members and counting), and skin like the Braille on an ATM that's been sitting in the sun too long. I have a vast network and very close group of friends (on Facebook).
I have an extensive vocabulary that usually woo's women with an IQ between the ranges of eighty and eighty five.
If any of this screams ME. Please give me a shout out. Put 'I love big dick' in your tag line so I know you're not spam. Also, for the love of God, no pussy pics. Have some dignity, ladies, there are children here trying to get molested.
Any inappropriate pics will be deleted ... After I study them ... For science.
Regards, Thursday Theo-third the third.
Postscript: Mom says hi.
