I'm headed to the grocery to buy food and booze, but I don't know what to buy. The refrigerator and pantry are empty, so I need to figure out a good drunk (vegetarian) meal to cook up. Also I need to decide between beer and wine.
I knew this couple that would claim they couldn't get drunk because they would always end up having unprotected sex. Now, we've all been drunk before and we've all been VERY drunk before. However, as someone who's favourite alcohol is Everclear and as someone who chugs it straight from the bottle, I never recall a time that I've been so drunk that I lose self control to the point I'd do something absolutely unacceptable while sober.
I completely get that they may get horny and just say "fuck it, I'll pull out" while drunk but to claim that you just cannot stop yourselves from having unprotected sex is outrageous. My inhibitions may drop but I don't change personalities when I drink. It just feels like a chicken shit excuse for people with poor impulse control (and yes, the irony is not lost on someone with too little impulse control to not drink regularly before 1P.M).
Am I in the minority here or what? Am I just enough of an experienced drinker to know how to control myself? No one can deny alcohol can lead to bad decision making but when I think of the bad decisions I've made with alcohol it's always been things like ordering pizza or buying more weed or eating someone else's food from the refrigerator but never shoplifting or getting into a fight or potentially getting some bitch pregnant.
I met you 15 years ago. We were instant friends. You lived in my house with. We shared many meals. You are family. I can't stand to say goodbye. Last night, I trusted you with 1 job. It was easy, suited to your abilities. You couldn't do it. I am sad for your diminishing skills. I still love you, but I must move on. You were amazing.
Past glory doesn't put ice in my whisky. I am sorry, refrigerator, but you need to retire. Remember that bottle of 18 year old single malt? I don't. You put the rock in my glass. That case of Genny Cream Ale? I remember the aftermath. You stood on your head that day. It was ice cold.
My friends, hug your fridge. You never know when it will be called up to Heaven to keep the Almighty's champagne ice cold.
Chicken. It is leftover, straight out of the refrigerator, because fuck waiting for it to heat up. With ranch.
And rum and cranberry juice.
Also, chickens are dinosaurs, and we eat them, so we are some pretty bad ass people.
Everything in this story is true and can be attested to.
It started out as a normal enough night. Myself and a buddy, Dan, were following our normal Friday night regime. Which mainly consisted of sitting at my place, pounding beers as we awaited the start of the party.
This night, however, accompanying the beer, was one of my worst enemies---Vodka. Any clear liquor in combination with myself, ultimately leads to me doing something..questionable. After the beer was gone, we were both decently shitfaced. The obvious decision ahead of us was to immediately start in on the bottle of vodka, to ensure that we were both as drunk as possible upon our arrival to the party.
We got there and immediately took turns chugging what remained of the vodka before making our entrance. My last clear memory for the next few hours would be walking into the party.
I come out of my blackout as I am yelling in the face of some GDI kid. Dan is yelling something at his friend about fucking his mother. I stop momentarily to gather my now rehabilitated senses to assess the situation. I have lost my jacket, it is pouring down rain, there is no one else at the party but myself, Dan, and the two guys we were in this altercation with. Then it escalated slightly:
Bitch-Boy 1" You motherfuckers wanna go to the woods?" Bitch-Boy 2"Yeah let's take this outside." Kevin" You guys are both pussies." Dan"OUTSIDE? WE ARE RIGHT FUCKING HERE!! FUUUCK!!"
At this point I should note that Dan is about 6'4 225lbs, and on an average weekend is an entity of pure drunken vehemence. His voice does not drop below anything short of an ear-piercing roar. Anytime we drink together a long, vile, argument always eventuates.
These guys decide it is in their best interest to not continue this altercation with us, apologize for whatever the fuck we were arguing about, and ask us for a ride, due to the fact that they walked to the party and there's a full fledged monsoon happening. We kindly agree to this, immediately forgetting the battle that was about to ensue moments earlier, in classic drunken fashion. We walk to Dan's car. After I ponder for a moment, I decide I am the Mario Andretti of drunk driving. If I'm not blacked out drunk, I must be good to drive. Seeing as Dan had recently gotten a DUI, he agreed with my logic.
We drove for all of 10 seconds before I slammed into the curb and the passenger-side front tire blew out. Note that myself and Dan's drunken rationale totally eliminated this possibility. We realized this was the cause when we went back for the car the next day and the rim had about a four inch section of it pushed inwards towards the center. In belligerent drunk mode, hitting a curb and blowing out a tire can result in this:
Kevin"What the fuck just happened!" Dan" MY TIRE! STOP THE FUCKING CAR!" Kevin"NO! It's good." Dan"SOMEBODY PUT BOTTLES UNDER MY TIRES! FUUUUUCKKKKKKK!"
I stop the car and Dan confirms the tire is, indeed, flat.
Kevin"Dude that had to be what happened. I couldn't have fucking hit anything. I would have noticed." Dan"FUCK YOU!" Kevin" FUCK YOU! YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT! YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!" Dan"I TRIED TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER BUT IT'S HARD TO KEEP ASHES WET!"(Yeah...) Kevin"FUCK YOU! I'm calling my roommates. Bitch-Boy 1"Dude, you guys are fucked up. We're walking from here." Dan"FUCK YOU!"
They got out of the car and took off walking.
I call one of my roommates and ask him to come pick us up. He arrived shortly, and took us back to my house where there are people partying. We get there, go inside, and I discover my other roommate, who will be referred to as 'James' for the rest of this recounting for reasons not to be named; a few people I do know, and a few people I do not. I'm really not a mean guy, but when I'm drunk, the alcohol takes over and makes me view people I don't know as solely being there for me to guilt-freely harass, degrade, barrage with insults, make ridiculous demands of, etc... This is how I announced my arrival:
Kevin"GET NAKED, BITCHES!"
This really offended this one chick, who I'll talk about later. She proceeds to start freaking out on Dan for saying something else vulgar, in true trailer trash whore fashion. She runs at him and starts pounding on his chest and screaming about how much she fucking hates him already. She obviously had a great relationship with her father.
I see some guy I don't know sitting on the couch in our den. I gregariously approach him and initiate this conversation:
Kevin"Quit nursing that beer. Chug it right goddamn now. Pansy"No way, I'm not doing it." Kevin"Motherfucker, if you do not chug that beer right fucking now I am going to create another hole in your face with my dick." Pansy"Chill out man. No."
I yank down my pants and pose in Captain Morgan style with one leg on the arm of the couch, and lean forward so my penis was directly in his face.
He chugs his beer. I am currently satisfied with this environment.
I pull my pants up, and turn around, surveying my surroundings. I see another guy I don't know eating a Nutty Bar, which my unparalleled drunken logic immediately deduced was my roommate James'. I yell:
"YOU SNEAKY SON OF A BITCH! YOU BETTER SARAN WRAP THAT MOTHERFUCKER AND PUT IT BACK IN THE BOX---NOW!" Pansy2"Dude, what is your problem? Just calm down." Kevin"NO! I WON'T TOLERATE THIS! NOW!" Pansy2"You're not that hardcore man." Kevin"MOTHERFUCKER! I WILL SHOW YOU HARDCORE!"
I walk to the refrigerator, and snatch this big container of James' post-workout supplement, Anabolic Halo, off of the top of it.
If you are not familiar with what Anabolic Halo is, it is described by their website as having: "75 cutting edge ingredients, 6 critical elements, and 3 cryogenic technologies that will synergistically force your freakiest gains ever."
I walk past Pansy2 and dumped out a pretty decent pile of this horrible creation onto the table in our living room, where 5 people were playing some drinking game. Dan grabs a handful of powder out of the container, and prepares to throw it at some bitch playing the drinking game. I do not know what compelled me to do this, but I immediately snorted all of what is in Dan's hand, then started snorting the pile I had just dumped out on the table. I then proceeded to begin sequentially chugging the beers of the people sitting at the table. I was halfway through beer number 4 when I realized my head was about to explode. I reeled for a second before I began projectile vomiting all on the center of the table, cards and everything.
Side note from James (who was completely sober) from what he witnessed: “It was literally one of the craziest things I have ever seen another human do. It is nearly indescribable. He literally snorted a PILE of workout supplement. Not a Whitney Houston row of blow, a fucking PILE of speckled powder. Blue raspberry glacier flavor to be exact. He then immediately proceeded to chug beers, each beer having roughly an 8 second span between them. Then he literally puked in a straight line that was about 3 ½ feet long for 5 seconds. He then continued to chug the rest of the beer he started drinking before he puked. If it would have been put on YouTube, it would have been immediately assumed fake… It was amazing.”
From what I'm told from other people, the expression on my face remained calm. Kind of irrelevant I know, but I thought it was funny.
I regain my composure momentarily. Long enough at least to yell: "THAT'S HARDCORE! FUCK YOU!"
I then immediately ran to the bathroom and proceeded to hug the toilet, completely empty everything in my stomach. While dry heaving in between attempts to expel the rest of the Anabolic Halo from my membrane with repetitive nose blowing, the girl who had previously attacked Dan earlier in the night walks into my bathroom. I stand up and say:
"I have to piss, what the hell do you want?"
She announces that she has to pee too. I decide we're soul mates.
Kevin"I'm going first."
I turn around and she just stands there and watches me piss. I finish, she locks the door, snatches her pants down, and immediately begins pissing after telling me not to leave. Classy.
I take a knee and extend the toilet paper to her, as the true gentleman that I obviously am. She finishes, stands up, pushes me against the wall, and begins violently making out with me.
It may or may not have been the single most erotic experience of my life.
In a different frame of mind, I would have capitalized on the situation and fucked her. But I mean, I was so fucked up that I snorted a fucking post-workout supplement. Jesus Christ. I had fucked the alcohol's metaphorical hole to the fullest, and that alone was more than I could handle. On the bright side, I usually make up for missed opportunities.
I had a huge dinner and I couldn't take it home since I don't own a refrigerator so I ate it all. Now I'm too full to go to a kickback and drink. What do I do?
