[Serious] Is your refrigerator running? circlejerk

If it is you should probably turn it off because some people in life do not actually have the chance to earn a running refrigerator so be thankful for yours.

Submitted October 27, 2017 at 09:14AM by whenwhisper http://ift.tt/2gN1zEa circlejerk

GOD/TRUMP/CONSERVATISM/CIS/GLOBALWARMING = BAD!!!!!!!!!1111!11! circlejerk

Edit: On the underside of your refrigerator there is a switch. Reach under there and feel for it. Don't mind the dust clumps and the roaches. You'll know it when you feel it, it's a hard metal tab sticking out of a slot in the plastic underside. I will be set on the righthand side (when you're facing the fridge). If you switch it to the left, nothing will happen. Your appliances will continue to run, the floor won't open into a swirling vortex that leads directly into the deepest circle of hell. You won't even hear a hitch in the hum of the refrigerator. You will get up and brush off and go about your business, you may move out of your apartment and leave the refrigerator behind, switch set to the left like it doesn't even matter.

When you die, five years later, the fingers, toes, and eyes of an unidentified person will be found in your stomach.

Submitted June 03, 2017 at 02:12AM by justpureironical http://ift.tt/2szc0Lv circlejerk

LPT Before you go on vacation throw out your refrigerator and all the food inside. circlejerk

That way you don't have to worry about whether or not your food thaws. And when you get back you get to shop for a new fridge!

Submitted November 22, 2016 at 12:28PM by SalvioMassCalzoney http://ift.tt/2fAdzD0 circlejerk

give me karma now : pokemon go kill urself circlejerk

At the Forty-second Street F station, in Manhattan, in a mosaic of a stone wall dripping with overgrown vines and flowers, there’s an eerily provocative Jung quotation: “Nature must not win the game, but she cannot lose.” That’s how I feel about history and modernity as represented by serif and sans-serif typefaces: elegant, organic curves and feet versus spareness and “clean lines.”

Whenever a brand wants to freshen itself up, you start hearing talk about “clean lines,” as if a few gorgeous, old-fashioned letters were keeping us in the Dark Ages. Google’s new logo, announced and unveiled this week, is the latest victim. Its old logo’s typeface—reminiscent of literature, newspapers, printing—had a reassuring hint of history, paying its respects to what it had come to improve upon and replace. The letters’ literary old serifs were subtly authoritative: the sturdy, handsome “G,” the stately, appealing little “oo,” the typewriterish, lovable “g,” the elegant “l,” the thoughtful “e.”

The new logo retains the rainbow of colors but sheds the grownup curlicues: it now evokes children’s refrigerator magnets, McDonald’s French fries, Comic Sans. Google took something we trusted and filed off its dignity. Now, in its place, we have an insipid “G,” an owl-eyed “oo,” a schoolroom “g,” a ho-hum “l,” and a demented, showboating “e.” I don’t want to think about that “e” ever again. But what choice do I have? Google—beneficent overlord, Big Brother, whatever you want to call it—is at the center of our lives. Now it has symbolically diluted our trust, which it originally had for all the right reasons.

Before Google, the word that sounded like “google” meant a few things. The first was googol, a number famously named by a child—an impossibly big thing to imagine, a one with a hundred zeroes, a blend of math and precocity and whimsy, with a name to match. (If you were a kid who knew other nerdy kids, they might get worked up about the immensity of something and say things like “a googolplex, a googolplex, infinity!”) The other Google was this guy in a top hat, from the comic strip “Barney Google and Snuffy Smith.” He had a song, too, and goo-goo-googly eyes. Google, googol, or googly—everything that sounded like “google” was funny and innocent, tied to childhood and imagination.

When Google first appeared, in the late nineties, it distinguished itself with a combination of intelligence and friendliness. Other search-engine sites were as cluttered and garbagey visually as they were inefficient functionally, simultaneously trying to sell and inform and bamboozle. AOL, with its goofy mailbox, bulky structure, and overpriced hand-holding service for the terrified, was obviously up to no good. Others—Yahoo!, HotBot, Netscape, Ask Jeeves, and so on—seemed well intentioned but were harder to parse. Google’s design, in comparison, was a revelation. It had true confidence. It didn’t need to pretend to be the post office or a butler. The white glow of a clean, bare screen, the brightly colored, old-fashioned letters, the name that came from math and whimsy—it was all very promising, and its brilliance spoke for itself. The logo was a key part of this. The design, like the site, didn’t patronize or manipulate—it said, Relax, we’re reasonable geniuses, the smartest possible combination of man and machine. Let us find what you need.

Google was an exhilarating miracle. Search results were fast, accurate, and well-prioritized; overnight, the Internet went from being a dizzying galaxy of data to a giant, well-catalogued library: a logical, coherent place. We were so grateful to be living in its world. We needed a leader to guide us into the future, and Google was it. It was like the Brooklyn Bridge, a welcome triumph of creativity and engineering.

There was a time when I clicked on Google’s sponsored links, above the search results, so I could help give money to Google. This is still my instinct, and I have to remind myself not to. Sometime around 2002, my friend Alice dressed as the Google logo for Halloween, complete with a button that said “I’m feeling lucky.” (She claims not to remember this, but I’m confident that if Gmail had existed then, I could prove it.) When Google introduced Gmail, in 2004, we were all thrilled that we’d now be able to take advantage of its elegant intelligence in the realm of e-mail, which, at the time, for most, consisted of some combination of clunky work-e-mail services and a junky, bulky Web-based service like Hotmail. But we were also freaked out, a bit, by the Orwellian announcement that Google would harvest our messages’ words to generate targeted advertising. Alice and I sportingly tried to prompt it in our very first Gmail messages to each other, mentioning spaceships, ice cream, owls, and Hawaii, in an effort to generate those ads.

We no longer need to worry about such prompts. Now Google is so smart and powerful, across so many platforms—Androids, a translation service, Chrome, Maps, Earth, self-driving cars, our collective brain—that our trust, our connection to that first thrilling moment, that gratitude and excitement, should be essential to maintain. You’d think the company would get that, and that rebranding, generally, feels suspicious. When I see that shifty new rainbow-colored “G” bookmarked on my toolbar, I recoil with mild distrust, thinking of when Philip Morris became Altria—No cigarettes here, see? Just rainbows!—or when British Petroleum suggested we think of it as Beyond Petroleum, or when the Bush Administration would name something Freedom.

Google, in the announcement, describes the change as part of “a new logo and identity family” for use on “even the tiniest screens.” But would a few serifs have been so cumbersome? We don’t instinctively care about the brand unity Google wants to achieve with its new mega-company, Alphabet, of which it is now a part. Especially because Alphabet takes our most elementally wonderful general-use word—the name of the components of language itself—and reassigns it, like the words tweet, twitter, vine, facebook, friend, and so on, into a branded realm. In Larry Page’s letter explaining it to us, Alphabet is illustrated with a bunch of kids’ building blocks. Operation Childlike Innocence, Phase One.

We loved the old logo, and we loved what Google was. Whatever it’s up to, whatever its intentions, Google should want to keep our love. So in the name of love, Google, give us back our serifs. Let this sans-serif building-block refrigerator-magnet silliness be the New Coke to your Coke, the Qwikster to your Netflix, the Freedom Tower to your One World Trade. Go back to your beautiful old serifs, and we’ll be that much likelier to let your self-driving cars drive us around.

Sarah Larson is a roving cultural correspondent for newyorker.com. MORE MORE: GOOGLE SIGN UP FOR THE DAILY NEWSLETTER: THE BEST OF THE NEW YORKER EVERY DAY.

ENTER E-MAIL ADDRESS

CULTURAL COMMENT WHY YOU HATE GOOGLE’S NEW LOGO By Sarah Larson , SEPTEMBER 3, 2015

Submitted July 11, 2016 at 04:31AM by PM_ME_YOUR_FELINE http://ift.tt/29NxkIT circlejerk

It's not my cakeday but circlejerk

Ingredients

Vegetable oil for the pans

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 cups sugar

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon fine salt

1 teaspoon cocoa powder

1 1/2 cups vegetable oil

1 cup buttermilk, at room temperature

2 large eggs, at room temperature

2 tablespoons red food coloring (1 ounce)

1 teaspoon white distilled vinegar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Cream Cheese Frosting, recipe follows

Crushed pecans, for garnish

Cream Cheese Frosting:

1 pound cream cheese, softened

4 cups sifted confectioners' sugar

2 sticks unsalted butter (1 cup), softened

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly oil and flour 3 (9 by 1 1/2-inch round) cake pans.

In a large bowl, sift together the flour, sugar, baking soda, salt, and cocoa powder. In another large bowl, whisk together the oil, buttermilk, eggs, food coloring, vinegar, and vanilla.

Using a standing mixer, mix the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients until just combined and a smooth batter is formed.

Divide the cake batter evenly among the prepared cake pans. Place the pans in the oven evenly spaced apart. Bake, rotating the pans halfway through the cooking, until the cake pulls away from the side of the pans, and a toothpick inserted in the center of the cakes comes out clean, about 30 minutes.

Remove the cakes from the oven and run a knife around the edges to loosen them from the sides of the pans. One at a time, invert the cakes onto a plate and then re-invert them onto a cooling rack, rounded-sides up. Let cool completely.

Frost the cake. Place 1 layer, rounded-side down, in the middle of a rotating cake stand. Using a palette knife or offset spatula spread some of the cream cheese frosting over the top of the cake. (Spread enough frosting to make a 1/4 to 1/2-inch layer.) Carefully set another layer on top, rounded-side down, and repeat. Top with the remaining layer and cover the entire cake with the remaining frosting. Sprinkle the top with the pecans.

In a standing mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, or with a hand-held electric mixer in a large bowl, mix the cream cheese, sugar, and butter on low speed until incorporated. Increase the speed to high, and mix until light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. (Occasionally turn the mixer off, and scrape the down the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula.)

Reduce the speed of the mixer to low. Add the vanilla, raise the speed to high and mix briefly until fluffy (scrape down the bowl occasionally). Store in the refrigerator until somewhat stiff, before using. May be stored in the refrigerator for 3 days.

Submitted January 23, 2016 at 11:53AM by CurvyPancakes http://ift.tt/1KvS3aP circlejerk

TIL You're refrigerator is running and u need 2 up-fieri to catch it or else Dolan Trumpa-lumpa will steal ur Brainy Sandwiches circlejerk

No text found

Submitted January 18, 2016 at 10:03AM by fastersnail http://ift.tt/1Orj7f7 circlejerk

my 8th wifu was a refrigerator ughhhh number 9 was a filing cabinet. we had a kid after she died circlejerk

ughwahh{fhhghgh

Submitted November 01, 2015 at 04:31AM by glasspumpkin http://ift.tt/1WnIPbi circlejerk

tips on reducing salmonella in eggs circlejerk

Eggs are one of nature's most nutritious and economical foods. Learn how to reduce the risks of a Salmonella infection from eggs. A type of bacterium, Salmonella, can be on both the outside and inside of eggs that appear to be normal, and if the eggs are eaten raw or lightly cooked, the bacterium can cause illness.

Photos: Hands holding eggs.Eggs, poultry, meat, milk, and other foods are safe when handled properly. Shell eggs are safest when stored in the refrigerator, individually and thoroughly cooked, and promptly consumed after cooking. The larger the number of Salmonella bacteria present in the egg, the more likely the egg is to cause illness. Keeping eggs adequately refrigerated prevents any Salmonella present in the eggs from growing to higher numbers, so eggs should be refrigerated until they are needed.

Cooking reduces the number of bacteria present in an egg; however, a lightly cooked egg with a runny egg white or yolk still poses a greater risk than a thoroughly cooked egg. Lightly cooked egg whites and yolks have both caused outbreaks of SE infections. Cooked eggs should be consumed promptly and not be held in the temperature range of 40 to 140°F for more than 2 hours.

What are the specific actions I can take to reduce my risk of a Salmonella infection from eggs? Like other foods, keep eggs refrigerated at ≤40° F (≤4° C) at all times. Buy eggs only from stores or other suppliers that keep them refrigerated. Discard cracked or dirty eggs. Wash hands and all food contact surface areas (counter tops, utensils, dishes, and cutting boards) with soap and water after contact with raw eggs. Then disinfect the food contact surfaces using a sanitizing agent, such as bleach, following label instructions. Eggs should be thoroughly cooked until both the yolk and white are firm. Recipes containing eggs mixed with other foods should be cooked to an internal temperature of 160°F (71°C). Eat eggs promptly after cooking. Do not keep eggs warm or at room temperature for more than 2 hours. Refrigerate unused or leftover egg-containing foods promptly. Avoid restaurant dishes made with raw or lightly cooked, unpasteurized eggs. Restaurants should use pasteurized eggs in any recipe (such as Hollandaise sauce or Caesar salad dressing) that would result in consumption of raw or lightly cooked eggs. Consumption of raw or undercooked eggs should be avoided, especially by young children, elderly persons, and persons with weakened immune systems or debilitating illness. Consumers can consider buying and using pasteurized shell eggs, which are available for purchase from certain stores and suppliers. Photo: A carton of eggs.How do I know if I have a Salmonella infection? A person infected with Salmonella usually has a fever, abdominal cramps, and diarrhea beginning 12 to 72 hours after consuming a contaminated food or beverage. The illness usually lasts 4 to 7 days, and most persons recover without antibiotic treatment. However, the diarrhea can be severe, and the person may be ill enough to require hospitalization.

Who is most at risk for getting a Salmonella infection? The elderly, infants, and those with impaired immune systems may have a more severe illness. In these patients, the infection may spread from the intestines to the blood stream, and then to other body sites and can cause death unless the person is treated promptly with antibiotics.

Submitted July 01, 2015 at 05:42PM by thick_knees http://ift.tt/1IsKkgf circlejerk

Six greedy jews who hid in a supermarket refrigerator during January's Islamist attacks in Paris have sued French media for broadcasting their location live during the siege circlejerk

http://ift.tt/1CZqDJW



Submitted April 04, 2015 at 01:35AM by TheUnsavouryTruth http://ift.tt/1IbyzLl circlejerk

[PART 3 w/UPDATES] TIFU by reading my wife's text messages. She's cheating on me. circlejerk

Original post here

Update post here

Alright, so Jenny and Carly got back from the hotel. I had my devices cleared, and everything looked normal. My brother and I were sitting on the couch watching TV. Jenny opened the front door, and Jenny and Carly walked in. It started with normal "hey huns" and "I missed yous". They took off their shoes near the door, and Carly went over to sit next to her husband. Jenny just walked up to me and hugged me for a good minute or two. I won't lie, it felt good forgetting about everything and just wrapping each other in our arms. She didn't smell different, so it was easy to forget about the whole affair situation.

She pulled out of the hug, and kissed me like she did Zack for a few seconds. I pulled away and said "what's up?" She looked away, I could tell she was beginning to cry, and started sobbing. She got all teary eyed, I almost felt bad for her, and she said "I'm so sorry honey". I played dumb and said "what happened?"

She asked me "Carly didn't tell you?". I said "no". She told me that she had to makeout with some guy (Zack) and that if she didn't he would let out a dirty secret of hers. I asked her what was the secret and she wouldn't tell me. I told her "is that all you did? A few kisses isn't that bad if he was blackmailing you. It's ok."

I asked her "what about the weekend get away?" You didn't go on a trip or anything?" She said no, she had only gone to a hotel where the guy wanted to meet up for some kisses.

Carly clearly looked uncomfortable during this, she kept looking over at us, as if she wanted to say something. I turned to look at Carly, and this is when the truth started to come out. I already knew Jenny had sex, I was playing dumb. Jenny said "we did a few other things but that's all." I asked her to tell me what she did. Jenny said she played with Zack's penis, and touched it a little.

Give me a break. I got more aggressive and frustrated with her lying and asked her "are you sure that's all you did?" Jenny then told me she had to have sex with him just to please him. I grew tired of her giving me tiny bits of the information, so I asked Carly what happened.

Carly told me that Jenny told her they were going to a lodge in the mountains for a weekend. Jenny told Carly that I didn't want to miss the football games, so I was gonna stay home and it was gonna be a fun weekend for them to bond. This is believable, they are best friends. Jenny then took them to Zack's house and she forced Carly to keep her mouth shut or she would tell my brother that Carly was cheating. She showed Carly where she would be in case something happened to her, and dropped Carly back off at the hotel. Carly said Jenny went back to Zack's place for a while, they did something, and came back later with a guy she didn't know. Jenny then had some more sex with Zack while Carly just spoke to the new guy that Jenny brought over. They had a few drinks and went to bed. They dropped them off at their houses, and now they came back home.

False. Bs. Carly lied, she never mentioned meeting X at Starbucks, or the Coffee shop trips at all. My brother was growing more and more frustrated with the lying, so was I. I told Jenny and Carly to come with me. I sat them down at the dining room table and asked them to give me the whole truth, as their stories didn't add up.

That's when Jenny started bombarding me with "why don't you trust me?" and "we're married, we're supposed to trust each other through thick and thin". Wrong verse. Carly started to give dirty looks, and she repeatedly rolled her eyes. It's was like I was speaking to toddlers. Jenny was furious, she walked into the kitchen, got a bottle of water and slammed the refrigerator door. My brother heard this, he came over and sat down with us.

The four of us were sitting at a table. My brother and I knew most of the truth, Jenny and Carly knew the whole truth. We had to get it from them.

Jenny started sobbing hysterically. Carly followed. They both cried for 10 minutes maybe, without talking. Jenny came over and hugged me and sobbed into my shoulder. I was gonna miss holding her for sure, she still felt like the same non-cheating person I knew before.

Jenny sat back down and told me the whole truth. Jenny and Carly had made up the whole trip. They wanted to have sex with other people for once. She hooking up. They went over to the Starbucks so Carly could meet the guy she had been seeing for a while prior. Jenny grew paranoid that she was being followed by me and started driving around in circles. She then went back to the shopping center to pick up Carly. X had something to take care of and said he would meet Carly later at the hotel. X is a friend of Carly's and Jenny's. Carly and Jenny then drove to the hotel they were staying at to eat some food.

Later, they went back to the car so they could drive over to Zack's flathouse. Jenny ran over to the car because again, she was paranoid I was following her. They drove over to Zack's house after many turns because she as paranoid I was following her. Jenny showed Carly where she would be if anything happened. Jenny then drove Carly back to the hotel. Carly waited up there for Jenny, Zack, and X to come over. Jenny went back over to Zack's house and they made out in there. They also had sex.

After a while, Jenny and Zack went to the shopping center to pick up X again. With X, they went back to the hotel where they were going to have sex. As I guessed, Carly got cold feet and didn't want to do it. Jenny and Zack however did have sex, multiple times. Carly ratted out Jenny right away so she wouldn't be involved with anything. They all had a bunch of drinks and got drunk. After Jenny and Zack had sex once more, they went to bed. Carly and X hung out all night, nothing romantic except for hand holding.

They woke up, ate food, dropped everyone off at their houses (kissed Zack), and drove to the Coffee shop. There they talked extensively about what the would tell us to cover up what happened. They got too confused and just decided to wing it. They went back to the hotel, got their things, and checked out. They left out the part about driving to the gym/grocery area, and said they just drove home. Instead of lying, they broke down and couldn't do it so now they're admitting what they did. They also didn't say anything about the person they talked to on the phone outside the hotel.

So, from what they told me, Jenny had sex, Carly did not but was going to. I don't know what to believe. Jenny again, hugged me and sobbed into my chest, ruining my shirt. Carly cried, but didn't approach her husband.

My brother had a look of relief on his face, but also slight anger. He scolded them about lying for maybe 15 minutes, then again about how badly they had hurt us, and they cried more. I was furious. I thought what we had was great, she never once showed signs of wanting to hook up with other people. I asked her how long this had been going on and how they were meeting each other, but she didn't say anything. After a few more minutes of crying, she said a few weeks, that was the first time they had sex. I was devastated, but I understood that this is what she wanted. Sure, she played with my feelings, but she's not a person fond of commitment at heart. She wants to sleep around, and that's fine with me.

That's just not happening when we're together, so I'm continuing with the divorce process. Fuck her. My brother and Carly talked in our bedroom. There was tons of yelling and crying on both parts, and they came out after 20 minutes. They looked like they had made up, and they went home. I was upset, Jenny kept telling me we could work through this, she didn't want to lose me, and that it would never happen again. I just left the table and went back to watching TV. She started yelling at me about how I was betraying her and that we are life partners and we can't divorce. She came over and tried to sit on top of me in a cute way, but I rejected. She got all pouty like she normally does when she's upset and went upstairs to use the restroom. Holy mood swings.

That's when I wrote that quick update. I told Jenny that we'd talk about it later tonight, and that I was still on with my friends to watch the football game. She pleaded to me one last time, but I wasn't budging. She said she had a date planned for us and I'd have a sexy surprise waiting for me for when I got back. She winked at me and said sorry, I walked out the door. I didn't say anything about the investigation I have going on.

Here I am, at my friend's house. They're clearly enjoying the game, I'm writing a depressing and devastating story on Reddit. Still on with the lawyer tomorrow morning.

Thank you all for the support these past few days, it has meant a lot to me. I'll post an update on what happens with the divorce lawyer, one about what happens when I get back home, and I might post a complete update post on everything on Monday/Tuesday @ r/relationships.

I'll retrieve call and text logs to find out who she was calling when they were outside the hotel.

Either way, my head is spinning and I don't know what to think about all this. There are so many questions that need answering. My brother is supposedly fine now, I'm still devastated. The next few months will be tough, but I think I can get through it. Jenny is at home alone now.

EDIT: Forgot to add Jenny has texted me 13 times to "come home" and "she misses me".

EDIT 2: I'm probably done updating for tonight, I'm not feeling up to it. I'll read and reply to some comments, but I can't get to all of them. Goodnight guys, thanks for the support

EDIT 3: (12:56pm) 1/19/2015 Hey. So my sexy surprise last night was pretty terrible. I walked into the house pretty pissed and Jenny had literally everything I like prepared for me. My favorite meal, the outfit of hers that I liked, etc. I didn't know what to do, this felt so many like some of our old nights together that we loved.

I didn't give in sexually, but I was pretty hungry. I sat down with her and we ate, pretty much in complete silence. She had the nerve to ask me "are you still upset with me?" I just looked at her, and she knew it. I finished eating and started heading upstairs. She chased after me, grabbed my hand, and once again, cried into me. Although this wasn't a whole bunch of tears like earlier, she was still sad.

You know, throughout all this, I still see flashes of the person I used to love so much. They way she walks, the mannerism when she brushes her hair back, etc. I realized, this is just her way of guilting me, I'm not gonna stay with someone who I can't trust, second guessing everything they tell me. I told her to "leave me alone, we'll talk some more tomorrow."

I go through my routine and go to bed, where she is waiting for me with one last attempt to have sex. I finally told her "this isn't happening, and you know it. You have Zack on speed dial, call him if you want a quick fuck." Out of rage, or maybe to prove that she doesn't love him anymore, she smashed her phone on the floor. She said "I told you I don't like him anymore! I want to be with *you** and only you!* Our bedroom floor is carpet, so her phone didn't break but the sim card and battery flew out which made it look bad (a.k.a cracked back). I told her to "pick up your fucking phone and stop bothering me, I'm trying to go to sleep. You should've thought about our relationship when you went around sleeping with other people".

More crying, and she fell asleep that way. I fell asleep afterwards, and we didn't have sex. I woke up this morning at 5am without waking her, hit the gym for an hour and went to the divorce lawyer. He has told me to not tell her anything about the PI investigation or anything else involving the divorce. He thinks it would be wise if I thought this over thoroughly, as after divorce it would be tough to go back. He told me to give him a call when I was ready to move forward. I received a copy of the prenuptial agreement, and we read it over. It's still valid (thank god). He didn't have much time to speak with me since he shouldn't have been in office for MLK but he has me and one other client early and he wanted to go back home.

I'm planning on calling him tomorrow morning to move forward with the process, there is no way at all I'm staying with Jenny. After the meeting, I texted my brother and asked him how things were going. He said "about back to normal." Well, good for him. It's weird, I'm happy for him, but I kinda wish I had a partner to go through this with me together. It's tough getting a divorce, but I'm not a bitch and I can get through this.

Jenny texted me this morning asking "where are you?" a few times. I didn't reply. I'm at home now, it's pretty awkward. She's trying to set up a movie date with us tonight, and I keep rejecting.

To clear up a few things: Some people are telling me I'm bragging on these posts. I never said I have a huge cock, never said I was insanely attractive, never said I'm filthy rich or have a great job. I don't consider myself above anyone at all. The only reason the sexual details were included is because it's a common reason to divorce. A lot of divorces are over sexual dissatisfaction.

And, thank you all for the support. There is no way I'll be able to read all these replies and PMs, but I'll try to reply to as many as I can. There will probably be a couple more updates here, and I'll post another update thread in a few months on how I'm doing and how the divorce went.

Again, thanks for the golds, but this is a throwaway as I've mentioned. It'll make it much easier to read comments, so thanks!

EDIT 4: (3:15pm) 1/20/2015: Alright. Sorry for delay in updates recently, it's just tough updating when Jenny is home. I don't want her to find out about the posts so I have to open a new window whenever she walks by. As a result, it takes a while to write a post that should take just 30 minutes.

Anyways, Jenny tried to drag me to the movies last night. She said if we spent some time alone clearing our minds, we might be able to rethink this situation thoroughly and realize we are perfect for each other. I wanted to watch American Sniper anyways, but I didn't want to go to the movies alone, so I gave in since she was pestering me. When we got into the theater, I immediately started to regret it.

There were countless attempts at holding hands, kissing, wrapping her arm around me or pulling my arm around her, etc. After my rejections, she grew frustrated during the movie and began to shun me. Like a child, she had her head facing the other way from me instead of watching the movie. After that, she started to repeatedly tap me on my thigh over and over and over and over for almost the rest of the movie.

On the drive home, she started crying/shouting at me about how sorry she is. She said she's having nightmares about losing me and she can't imagine a day where she doesn't wake up next to me, etc. I told her "I don't want to continue a romantic relationship with you. We are getting a divorce." I asked her to pull over so I could drive since she was acting like a maniac and I was afraid she'd drive us right into traffic. The rest of the drive home was quiet sniffling and silence.

Last night, as a last ditch effort, she tried to initiate one last time. I pulled her off and told her "no, our sex life is over. After we split you can go back to Zack and we'll be on our separate ways. Until then, stop trying to fucking initiate with me, you'll just get rejected. Let me sleep." Like the night before, she fell asleep in tears.

This morning, we woke up at almost the exact same time, which is unusual. I wake up quite early, and she sleeps in. Maybe she stayed up all night and waited for me to get up to talk, idk. Anyways, she said that she wanted to come clean to get everything off of her chest. She couldn't live with herself if she kept "leading me on" (whatever that means).

Carly had sex with X. But that isn't it. They switched partners repeatedly over the weekend. So every M-F combination that is possible with Carly, Jenny, Zack, and X, happened. She said Carly was frightened about my brother finding out, so she stabbed Jenny in the back by snitching on Jenny. In other words, Carly wanted to be the plaintiff, and Jenny to be the defendant, since usually the person who reports first is trusted more. When Carly told Jenny what she did (dumb move), Jenny panicked and sent something similar to me about Carly. So, they both cheated on us with two different partners. Zack and X are mutual friends of the both of them, and all of them had been interested in something sexual for a while now. Jenny said she wanted to see what it was like to taste other fish in the sea, and Carly was tired of the same bland life.

I was once again, devastated and angry that she still hadn't told me the truth even after "coming clean" before. An hour ago, I texted my brother asking him if he could swing by my house later today with Carly so we could talk about something. He instead told me to come over to his house tonight with Jenny. Keep in mind, I hadn't even told him about Carly cheating yet, but he already wanted me to bring Jenny along... So maybe Carly came clean to him?

Jenny is nervous about going over there later, she isn't eating much or speaking much.

I received the call logs from Jenny's phone over the past few days. The person she and Carly were talking to outside the hotel wasn't Zack, it was a number I've never seen before(X?). She contacted the Bank once, probably about the frozen joint account or she was trying to drain the account. She also called Carly multiple times during the trip. Her phone is broken now, so she hasn't made any calls in the past day or so. Zack is probably wondering why she hasn't spoken to him recently.

The divorce lawyer and I have a follow up meeting scheduled for Thursday afternoon. We're planning on going through with the divorce. I'll be informing Jenny she'll need to hire a lawyer soon. She probably isn't taking me seriously, but she will when she sees the prenup with the cheating clause highlighted.

It's weird the amount of publicity my situation is receiving (Fox news, Dailymail, radio shows, etc.), it's a constant reminder about how shitty these next few months are going to be and also raises the probability of her finding out about this. I cant go 2 minutes without thinking about the affair. I can't even browse this sub without seeing PI or Jenny and Carly jokes in the comment section of almost every post. Hopefully in time it'll be less painful and more of a funny joke to me. Still hurts thinking about two different guys fucking my soon to be ex-wife, possibly even at the same time.

Thank you all for the support, another update is coming this evening after I speak with my brother and Carly, and maybe another one during the day if something new unfolds.

1 comment = 1 prayer

(3:53pm) 1/20/2015: What the heck I had no idea Brazzers was offering me a free subscription haha. Nice people they are.

TL;DR: She cheated, Carly got cold feet and didn't cheat Carly also cheated on my brother, I'm getting a divorce, my brother may not be, not sure about my brother.

Submitted January 21, 2015 at 02:55AM by rgearon http://ift.tt/1EnzQdu circlejerk

Btw, I'm a refrigerator ;) circlejerk

http://ift.tt/1qj0SjA



Submitted December 08, 2014 at 05:37PM by Methos25 http://ift.tt/1u8P3bW circlejerk

LPT: Teach your kids how to handle thermonuclear warheads (even if your family doesn't have thermonuclear warheads at home) circlejerk

If you don't own a thermonuclear warhead and your child encounters one, it may very well be under uncontrolled circumstances.

I had a friend who drilled thermonuclear warhead safety into their kids, though they hated thermonuclear warhead's.

One day their kids were playing at a neighbor's house, 6 or so kids, no adult present (sleeping in another room), and one of the neighbor kids brought out the father's thermonuclear warhead to "play with." My friend's kids did the right thing and left, notifying an adult. They said later they felt physically uncomfortable being in the room with the children handling the thermonuclear warhead due to their conditioning.

Right as my friend arrived at the neighbor's house there was an explosion. The thermonuclear warhead had been unintentionally discharged while they played with it. Everyone died, except the refrigerator.

You can only control your environment, so teach your kids to do the safe thing.

-dftm

Submitted November 09, 2014 at 11:40PM by dont_fear_the_memer http://ift.tt/1tutjWs circlejerk

ELI420: Why does fridge have my "D" in it, but refrigerator doesn't? circlejerk

Can solve 43 me? mn lost and found for real!

Submitted October 21, 2014 at 06:09PM by crossdogz http://ift.tt/1s2ocvX circlejerk

TIL I have a refrigerator and it's contents are different than yours. Here's a picture of it circlejerk

No text found



Submitted October 19, 2014 at 02:12PM by sawarahh http://ift.tt/1sXwbiX circlejerk

I own a refrigerator. circlejerk

I'm also a human!!! lol!!!

Submitted October 17, 2014 at 07:32AM by technobarry http://ift.tt/1F7TP1i circlejerk