Hi there, I’m new to Reddit, I recently was texting a friend about my personal life, I sent them a few messages [below] and they said this would be a good place for me to get some advice so I’m hoping some of you will chime in.
I recently reached out to my husbands ex (they were tog for 1 year) over the course of that year, she learned quickly that she didn’t want to continue the relationship.
I reached out to her for a statement for my therapist to read so he/she could become more familiar with the acts and behavior I deal with on a constant basis. She complied. Below is her letter and after her letter is a letter that I sent to him via text while crying after an argument with him.
With just what is provided….what would you do if you were dealing with this guy? Please help me.
I’ve got 5 children and a dead beat abusive husband that refuses to live a productive meaningful life. What is wrong with him? What am I to doooo? What kind of person am I dealing with? I’m looking for a broader opinion on my relationship. If you’ve got some advice, please chime in.
For privacy reasons, I’ve changed my husbands name etc.]
My husband will be referred to as Bob.
[EX’s statement of Bob]
This is from his ex
She wrote it last night for my therapist
[Start]
I used to have to call him to wake him up for work every damn day. Multiple times. Ridiculous!
At first, Bob is very attentive and appreciative, or at least was with me. He is very good at getting “in” as far as making you feel attractive and special.
Then he starts to show his true colors. I made sure my daughters didn’t meet him for about 3 months, waiting for the relationship to play out a bit. It seemed ok, so he started coming around when I had my girls. He related to them well, mainly because he plays video games and acts like a child. At first, everyone liked him.
He started to stay over once in a while, and I’d make him coffee to take to work at night. (He worked as a pizza delivery person from about 5 to midnight)
Then he started staying at my house longer, as in a weekend, and I was making his meals…a lunch to take to work, a dinner in the refrigerator on a plate for when he got home (at midnight or after that from the pizza place). Then I was washing his clothes, etc.
By about 6 months, he depended on me for everything as far as clothing, food, and housing. I did more for him than my daughters, who were expected to do their own laundry, etc. When I fell short in any regard, I was told about it (that rarely happened, because me being me, I anticipated every need).
I had to call him from work every single day to make sure he had gotten up for his shift at the pizza place, and it usually took a few times before he was fully awake. He’d ask for another ten minutes, and I would dutifully call him again in ten minutes, acting as his snooze alarm.
He sometimes brought friends home with him (much younger friends that he worked with), and they’d drink and shout and carry on until morning sometimes. I’d have to ask them to keep it down when the girls had school the next day.
One time, my oldest daughter found one of his friends in her room in the basement. He apparently didn’t know she was home, and I believe was looking for things to steal. I told Bob that he was not welcome in my house again. He defended him, of course. There’s no reason anyone should be in my daughter’s room except my daughter.
As time wore on and he was only awake at night, never during the day, having played video games all night every night, I realized that this wasn’t a relationship.
He gave nothing to me…no time, no effort. Nothing. I was just the source of food and money, a caretaker. That’s when the fights started. I’d accept things for a few weeks, then it would get overwhelming, and I’d have it out with him.
He’d use bible quotes and standards, saying that I was not as a woman should be according to God. That I was just like all the other women in his past who were nagging and yelling and expected way too much of him.
It wasn’t until I got away from him that I realized how truly skewed his point of view was. He blamed everyone else for everything that ever went wrong in his life, his mother, his dad/stepmother, his former relationships.
THEY were all the problem, while HE was not. He had lived his entire adult life being a ball and chain to the women in his life, and we eventually all got tired of it, but he’s very good at dragging it out, and making you feel bad and want to try harder to make it work.
I went to my parents’ house for Easter shortly after the breakup. My dad said to me “what’d you do, raise the rent?” It was so obvious to him, and the rest of my family, that he was only using me. Shame on me for not seeing it sooner.
Bob stays up all night avoid the real world. He doesn’t need to participate as a man his age should since he is awake when everyone else isn’t. He can’t make a phone call about a bill, he can’t make appointments for service for the car, etc. That falls on the women in his life.
The fact that he’s lazy and avoids any kind of responsibility isn’t the worst part. The worst part is that he is a manipulative, narcissistic individual who plays games with your head.
He has you convinced that YOU are a problem, that YOU need to change, when it is truly him. He is like a tick, latching on to you, and just drawing out all your time and energy and emotion.
It is like having another child, but one that you can’t teach to be a productive member of the household, because he is supposed to be the head of the household.
*speaking to therapist [My Name] reached out to me years ago, and we realized that he was exactly the same with her as he was with me. It’s worse, though, because they have children together, and these innocents are watching how he behaves, and not getting any of their father’s attention, time and guidance.
[END]
This is what Bob’s EX wrote for me to give to my therapist - Now hopefully you guys have an idea of who or what type of person I’m with. Everything she’s said matches up to my current relationship I’ve had with Bob for the past several years.
Recently Bob and I bumped heads and we had a really big blow out, an argument from hell. I sat while crying and wrote this text and sent it to him. It was a sense of venting and just letting him have it, I was torn and feeling like there was no hope.
[START of MY LETTER to MY HUSBAND]
Bob,
Your mind is so messed up that you cannot see through the fog into the world of your own hypocrisy. You fully vent about your feelings about our son “not wanting to spend time with you and how he always sits and plays video games with who he wants to talk to and doesn't talk to you”
Two things here..
This is exactly what you do to me Bob, so exactly that's it's uncanny. The only reason you come out of your room is to pee and grab a beer. Most the time we talk is because I've had to sit with you while you video game.
In the past I've begged you to hang out with me, ages ago, you would give me the same response. "What are we going to do? Sit and talk about mum or your fucked up family" Basically saying I'm boring.
No the truth is YOU have ruined your mind to the extent that you cannot find joy in anything anymore. Again your past comes into play here.
Secondly our son doesn't want to talk to you because you're mean. You do not like it when other people do better at you with games then you do, and resort to name calling, bullying, and going to the extent of saying they must be channeling demons to do so well"
The truth is your a 46 year old man. Your not a young lad no more, 46 year old men do not typically play video games all day. And the ones that do are probably not thinking their still 17. Because he doesn't play the games you're into, you bully him (yes that is what a bully does, they pick on people that are not giving them what they want)
I've come to realize that you are just not happy unless everyone around you is doing exactly what you want.
I've heard you time & time again use these same bully tactics on people over PSN. You don't get what you want, you bully them. Threatening to delete 16 year old boys that suddenly realizes they have a life out of PlayStation, Shame on you, see it for what it is.
These weaknesses you say you have, are excuses for laziness. Plan and simple. I've seen you push through things when you want something for yourself. I've watched and studied you long enough to learn you.
In the beginning - From very early on I knew something was terribly wrong. Something had gone terribly wrong with your past.
I would think well he’s gone through some painful hardships but he's just relaying them back to me. He has probably worked through it now that he is a Christian. I however discovered that was not the case.
One day you will maybe see just how deeply your past has come to bring others down as you never did seek help. You are mentally not able to work through any kind of relationship because you never have worked through your own personal stuff.
Why do you keep seeing a common theme through out your relationships? Whether partner, child, family, friend or what ever. Do you really honestly think every single one of these people are evil and your the only Saint?
I'm sure Satan has convinced you of that. It's the same foundational problems time & time again. Wow I wonder how everyone could be so much alike.
Why do they keep doing the same things to you? Have you ever really sat there and put much thought into it? Maybe you should.
You found me, knowing you had these deep wounds and just decided that I should bare them and put up with them with grace & mercy. I had no clue it would be this full on.
I was not equipped with what I needed to deal with your emotional trauma. The situations and mental arguments in the beginning killed me. I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I had never in my entire life met anyone like yourself.
Going through a separation and just having a newborn on top it was to much for one to bare. I did not know how to deal with you so as a result I become hardened. You took a hold of me and become obsessive with me. You would expect me to sit up with you late at night until you were ready for bed, and if I needed to sleep you would be upset.
If I was hungry before you and wanted a slice of pizza before we sat to eat it you went for a half hour walk in the forest because you didn't know how to handle this. There's something terrible wrong and selfish about those acts, why can't you see it?
I watched you hold a butcher knife to your bare chest, you would corner me in the house, back me into the room, back me into the crib, try your stupid Christian guilt tactics all the time. It was MENTAL Bob.
I had not long become a Christian and so you would NAIL me with the bible. Use it against me, beg me time and time again to say sorry. This mental stuff is NOT normal.
But you chose never to look to this part, ever. You just continue to tell everyone and yourself that I was just a bitch, that you just turned up and I was a bitch.
"You thought i was a gem, but really I was a nightmare" I remember one night when we were staying in that motel in [place] when I first took you to the zoo.
It was around 1am and you wanted me to stay awake as you were reading something long from your laptop. I fell to sleep and then next minute we're in this mental argument because I fell to sleep.
Again this kind of thing doesn't happen with normal people. I had never dealt with such insane demands.
Don't even get me started on the waking issues in the morning. To expect someone to live a normal life with these high level sleep/waking issues is abuse in itself. To expect everyone around you work on your one of a kind messed up body clock. It isn't normal Bob.
Your parents did not take care of you as an infant. It ruined you in many areas, but this sleeping business it took its toll.
It's not right that you expect people to just except it like it's not a big deal. In case you never noticed the world operates mostly in the day and sleeps at night. Our systems are set up this way. You cannot make night appointments, why? Because people sleep!
You punish people for not dealing with this in the manner you expect. Why can't you see it becomes a matter of not that people don't understand it, it's impossible for those around you to work around this ridiculous schedule.
You have caused us as a family to be late for every single appointment, every time we've gone away we arrive at some ridiculous time where I've got to single handedly get many unsettled kids to bed by myself!!! While you set up your internet and phone and laptop and what ever is relevant to you.
If you cannot handle people, stop associating with them. Stop getting into relationships if they cannot handle your many weaknesses. To expect people to deal with this insanity is selfish.
Don't even get me started on the incident with [Name of Child]. To expect me to shut off completely about what happened to protect you (which I did) was horrendous. This Traumatized me!!! It was up there with what happened to [Name of Child].
THEN... you whinge at me in the ER that their taking to long, and that your tired, and your bored. No shame, no shame, NONE!!! Selfish selfish selfish.
Then.. My family as dysfunctional as you think, tried to talk to you about what happened as it was traumatizing to everyone and instead of being humble, you get up in their face and yell. What is wrong with this picture!? Why don't you see it?
The moment I realized that you were gone completely was when I was sick when pregnant with [Name of Child]. 8 1/2 months pregnant, with swine flu. Granted you were sick too, but come on Bob!!! I was 38 weeks pregnant with swine flu and still made to manage a house of 5 children while you still drank alcohol and gamed.
Then had the nerve to tell me you were worse off? Then blamed my mum for not telling you, and if I had of died you would have blamed her? What in the world! I told you when you came to bed that my heart was in AF, you laid there and said I would be fine. No compassion, just selfishness, laziness and more abuse.
Things will not improve in your life until you tackle your past and heal, truly giving it to God and moving forward. Things in your life will change dramatically. Until then if you continue down this path of selfishness, addictive behavior, and bullying to get your way, you are going to continue to have these battles in your relationships.
I cannot function any longer in this environment, so you do what you can to heal or this cycle is going to continue until you die. You cannot expect me to be loving, affectionate, and understanding in this abuse. It's gone on for way to long now.
A rope can only handle so much weight, it's even in the laws of physics. How thick do you think my rope is? Do you think I'm unbreakable?
So I know what your thinking. I'm delusional right? And I deserve to be punished by God for not being able to bare the weight of your many weaknesses.
I'm meant to stand strong with strength, happiness, and cheer.. While you have room to live how you want and not have any consequences for it. And shame on me if I cannot do it, and show cracks. Go find someone that can do this for you and come back after 7 years and tell me if they still want to bare it and how good they look afterwards.
When I think about what has happened here it reminds me of this verse. Having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires.
You have a form of godliness that proceeds from your mouth, but don't want nothing to do with Gods Holy Spirit to change you. Saying God will change you when he's ready etc, if you claim to have the Holy Spirit in your life it should be giving you the power to change TODAY. Why isn't it?
I think I know why you cannot see it, and choose not to. It's because deep down you know what I'm saying is true. And it's so devastating that it would crush you. How about you at least step back for a moment and let a glimpse in to see what people have had to deal with during their time with you.
Do you ever think that maybe your crushing them too in the process, why is it always about you? Why do you expect such a high expectations of people when you know your one of the weakest out there? What gives you the right to expect so much grace & mercy but give very little yourself.
You have crushed and destroyed my perception of God. You have always given off a vibe of such confidence in your salvation even though you still sit in your sin. But yet I'm meant to repent every time we argue? Apparently my sins according to you need to be repented of, and yours are just weaknesses that people need to learn to deal with.
You are not healthy enough to have a family. You are deserving, but not healthy. Your trauma needs to be managed. You do not have the tools to deal with this role, and until you get help you should not expect people to just manage with no consequences that follow.
If you're destroyed to the point where you find a regular conversation, a trip to the park, some time to go watch your son in assemble or simple things in life without thinking about your video games you should be a man and take a step back from this role until you get help. It's not fair on people and the children in your life.
This is the kind of thing I hear coming from you. [Name of Child] comes to live with us, he spends all this time with you. I come to you heart broken and what do you say? I'm being immature, it's not your fault etc.
Reverse the position.. [Name of Child] comes to see us for 4 days, and he hangs out with me, you tell me you have no time for him and he can get stuffed. This is the kind of behavior I've had to deal with from you our whole marriage. Only ever okay for you, but not me.
So what you're telling me is if a person has a nice home, has healthy children, has nice things, has nice gifts, that if said person has all this but is being abused they should still be expected to stay and be thankful right? So maybe you're thinking in this case it's not abuse, how do we define abuse?
So please tell me in our case, why was it okay for me to leave [My EX] even though he provided and gave gifts. Was it because of his different kind of abuse? It was abuse I agree, but a different kind right? Ohh it was worse then your abuse right? I thought so.
[END]
There is so much to be explained but not enough time. Just know that for months straight my husband just sits in a room, drinks beer/liquor and plays video games with little to no regard for my well-being or our children or life’s responsibilities. He is also very religious and preaches A LOT - Seriously…. A…LOT.
After reading all of that, if you managed to make it to the end here, where should I go with this, if I’m really unhappy, sure….I get it, I should leave, unfortunately theres a few things stopping me from that.
One - he’s the sole supporter. I’m a stay at home mom, my husband built an internet business back in 2012 and he’s been living off it since a year after it started bringing in money - doesn’t tend to it nor the employees and hasn’t since it started paying our bills. If I leave, I basically have to start my life over with 5 children and no job and I doubt he’ll just give me the house, so no home.
Advice please?
TL;DR - Husband is an alcoholic, deadbeat dad and a verbally abusive lover. Married 8 years, share 5 children. I’m fed up. Looking for helpful advice on how to cope with my situation. If I leave, I basically have to start my life over with 5 children and no job or home.
Submitted May 17, 2017 at 12:12PM by i_need_your_advicee http://ift.tt/2pV0VCM abuse
