50 days NC - Hope is not always a bad thing ExNoContact

I [28F] was broken up with 3 months ago today by my first BF [26M] of 7 years. He kicked me out of his apartment and I ended up having to move back in with my parents. My already awful depression took a nosedive and I've spent a lot of time at rock bottom.

The split was fairly amicable apart from some heated words from myself. There wasn't another woman. No bad blood, really. I'm still very much in love with him, and I've spent a lot of time obsessing about wanting him back. Crying over it, being in despair, hating myself for even having the hope. Fighting HARD against my feelings. All it's ever done for me is leave me exhausted.

I finally got in to see a therapist last week, and I tearfully told her about how I hate having these feelings of hope because he's never coming back to me. She told me that I'm not a fortune teller. At first I was annoyed because it felt like more false hope, but I've been thinking about it.

I feel that hope, like many things, is fine in moderation. As long as a hope doesn't become an expectation, or something to be worshiped, it's a perfectly normal thing to experience in the healing process. Hope and realism can co-exist.

I've accepted my feelings as they are now. I still love him and I want him back. It's okay to feel that way, because we were together for nearly a quarter of our lives and you don't just stop feeling this way about someone so quickly. I've stopped fighting the thoughts about whether he's coming back or not, because I don't know the future and anything is possible. It's a waste of time to try and figure out what's going to happen in the future, good OR bad.

I've also accepted that I may not always feel this way, and that's also okay. It's highly unlikely that I'll have these feelings for him forever. I can't control how he feels about me. I'll always have a soft spot for him, but I'm probably not going to spent the rest of my life yearning for him like I am now. I might meet someone else who's way better. I can't comprehend that right now, but that doesn't mean it's not going to happen.

I'm slowly learning to detach the concept of romantic love from any one person. I often hear the usual "you don't miss them, you miss the feeling of being in love." I don't hear much about the fact that you can feel both of those things at the same time. I certainly do. I absolutely miss him as a person, flaws and all. I also miss the feelings I had when we were together. I just try to remind myself that he's not the only person in the world who can make me feel that way.

All I can worry about is me at this point. I've got to get out of this hole I've dug myself. I'm a real fixer-upper. Once I get back on my feet, I'm going to have a good life whether my ex is in it or not. It's not my problem right now. Just like my therapist told me, I'm not a fortune teller.

I'll end this lengthy post with a quote. This is on a magnet on my parents' refrigerator. I bought it for my mom when she was in a funk, but now it's helping me, too:

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” ― Gilda Radner

Submitted November 27, 2017 at 05:45AM by tehtrintran http://ift.tt/2i87y78 ExNoContact

Is NC right for me? ExNoContact

TLDR - Wife moved out because I was verbally abusive. We've been spending a lot of time together. I have rejection/abandonment issues I need to deal with so seeing her leave everyday hurts like hell. We start CC tomorrow but I've been doing "partial" NC since Friday. Need to know if this is right course of action. ---->

--->I'm 33, my wife is 36. We've been married almost 11 years. We have 2 children. 6 weeks ago to the day she left the house. She was staying at her sister's house which was overcrowded and never ideal. Kids stayed with me most nights. About a week ago she got her own place on a month to month lease. She said her ideal plan would have been to get her own place from day 1 but she couldn't afford it.

Since then I've come to grips with the fact the I've been a verbal abuser for about 9 years of our marriage.

I've learned a lot during this time about verbal abuse, what it is, what it does, but most importantly I'm hunting down the source of mine because I love my wife and I can't stand to see her hurt especially when I'm the cause of pain.

Anyways, I went to a consultation for anger management but the therapist deemed couples counseling was a better option seeing how we both still love each other and actually want to reconcile but she "just needs her space."

So we start counseling tomorrow. I know the therapist is going to advise her to move back in. I know this because I've already met with him once. I haven't pressured her in weeks so hopefully she'll take his advice.

In the mean time, we have been seeing a lot of each other. The interactions have been great and even potential conflicts have been resolved smoothly. As I said, we have 2 children so we see each other for that. But also, my refrigerator broke and she was having some kind of trouble with her stove at her new place that she just moved into a week ago. So we've been eating together, some nights going out to eat. She doesn't have a washer and dryer so she does laundry over here (mine too) and hangs out.

I've learned from my abuse research that my abusive behavior comes from verbal and emotional abuse I suffered as a child and that came along with a steady dose of fear of abandonment and rejection. Yeah, basically my mom didn't want me and I've known this my whole life. That's a story for another sub. Anyway, classic Mr. Nice Guy syndrome, for those who have read the book. Now I understand those fears a bit more and am able to recognize them and calm myself down. For example, having a fear of abandonment and rejection can turn a little criticism into "OMG she doesn't love me, I'm not worthy, she doesn't want me, she's going to leave!" So see her actually leave is one of the hardest things I've had to endure. But she leaves me everyday!

Everyday we have fun, we enjoy each other... and then she literally rejects and abandons me. I'm trying to deal with these issues but how can I deal with the fear when that far is being manifested before my very eyes every single day?

Last Thursday she had to put her car in the shop so she called me for a ride home from work. Once I picked her up she said she needed to go have an extra key made so I had to run her to the hardware store, then to the shop, then back to my (our) house where we ate dinner, had a good time, etc. Toward the end of the night somehow (can't remember) we got on the topic of us. She tore into me but I kept my composure. She verbally abuses too but I've decided to take responsibility for creating that environment. Plus I'm better (worse) at it. Anyways, she apologized the next day and later asked for a ride to the shop after work to pick up her car.

I agreed but shortly after doing so remembered the NC rule. y wife left me before, about 2 years ago. Everything very similar. I remember NC helped me get her back. So i sent her a text saying I would pick her up that day because I agreed to and it was getting to late to make other arrangements but I think we should start keeping some space between us because if there is any benefit to us being separated then we're not taking full advantage of it, we're just making our new lives apart more comfortable and routine.

She did laundry that night and hung out. I only spoke about the children and gave polite smiles and nods when she talked abut anything else. We planned to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese's the next day but I opted out of that.

She came over Saturday morning to get the kids and I have to say, this was the most attractive I've seen my wife look in a long time. I couldn't help but wonder if the half day of NC had provoked her to get so done up. More classy than sexy. She almost caught me noticing, it was slightly awkward. They all leave and I don't hear from her again until after midnight when she informs me the kids are with her (obviously) and she asks me about "Family Game Night" that my son (who has been instrumental in trying to get the fam back together) organised for Sunday (last night). Now, my wife doesn't know that I've already talked to my son and told him that I can't attend Game Night because I'm trying to get Mommy to miss me. He understands my absence is for the greater good and he's all in with the plan. So I told her I probably wouldn't make it because I think we should be trying to limit our exposure to one another and work on ourselves. Furthermore, it was causing further damage because the roller coaster ride of "family" to "I don't want to live with you" stirs up strong emotions in me, the kind that lead to verbally abusive outbursts (fear of rejection, let me hurt you and kick you out of my life before you can do the same to me).

She got somewhat upset at this. Said I was being a jerk, that I hadn't changed, etc. After a few hours I broke down and called to ask her to join us for game night. It wouldn't have been fun with just the 3 of them as I'm the fun parent. So we had Game Night and everyone had a good time. Again, I didn't do any one on one interactions with my wife other than to smile and nod at her comments to me. I didn't feel any tension in the air, it seemed like a good night.

I think I messed up by texting her later that night. I asked if she understood what I was saying earlier. I should have just kept the NC. She sent about 10 texts after that basically saying yes she understood BUT she needs to see me in different atmospheres- as well as her alone time (what about my alone time?).

Just seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I feel like, she wanted to separate, she needs to know what it means to be separated to be sure if that's what she really wants. We also both need space. I know I do to deal with the things I'm dealing with. And if handled correctly, hopefully she won't have to deal with me verbally abusing her anymore.

My plan is to continue NC today and tomorrow and see what the marriage conselor has to say. My question is, is this wise? Should I continue with NC (sans therapy) until she moves back in or what?

Thank you for reading, any response will be greatly appreciated.

Submitted October 31, 2016 at 05:38PM by DONald_JOEseph http://ift.tt/2eejKhz ExNoContact

Soon two months of NC ExNoContact

I'm getting close to 2 months of no contact now and while I'm not perfectly happy with my life and still have bad days I don't think back on the relationship as much during those days.
On the plus side my new flat is coming together and I'm to host a party on saturday. I'm also starting to get more focused at work and feel less like a burden where I would sit inactive all day long.
On the negative side my refrigerator / bottom freezer has been acting up and not been fixed yet so the eat healthy and exercise-part has not been realized yet. That means I'm stuck at 143lbs at 6'1", 22lbs less than I'd like.
I still have to fight the urge to isolate myself from the world and on many occasions I just don't feel that I "get anything" out of socializing. Sometimes I fantasize about uprooting and moving far away where I can start anew. What I really need to do is fix what's bothering me about stuff here, I need to get some certificates to prove to myself I'm good at work and I need to start working towards gaining weight. Taken steps towards both goals.

It feels good that my worries, goals and plans doesn't involve her anymore. Also feels a bit strange.

Submitted May 02, 2016 at 12:08PM by staysane_throwaway http://ift.tt/1SWXBEF ExNoContact

What weird dreams have you had since your breakup? ExNoContact

I know I’m not the only one having trouble sleeping. And when I do get to sleep, I’ve been having really strange dreams. I’m sure it’s partly to do with getting such low quality sleep, but of course it’s also got something to do with my breakup.

The night before last, I dreamed I was sitting on the kitchen floor in front of the refrigerator with a big black trash bag next to me. There were all these vegetables in the fridge—celery stalks, big clusters of kale, cherry tomatoes, peppers of all colors—and all of them were rotten and moldy. I shoveled them into the trash bag, armful after armful. And that was the whole dream.

Then last night, I had another kitchen dream. I was in my mom’s house getting something from the top shelf of the pantry when I noticed something moving on the pantry floor. I bent down to see what it was and realized it was an enormous cockroach—the biggest, meatiest cockroach I’ve ever seen. It was stuck to the floor in some red, gummy goo. I ran to the living room and told my brother to come kill it, but when we went back to the pantry it was gone. There was only red goo everywhere.

I don’t think there’s any one interpretation of these dreams. Kitchens and rot seem to be the common themes, but what that means is anyone’s guess. Throwing away rotten food has always been very cathartic for me though. So maybe it’s about throwing out the old and welcoming the new?

Anyway, I haven’t had a dream where my ex has made an appearance. I’m grateful for that. If anyone else wants to share their ex-related dreams, or just weird post-breakup dreams, I think it’d be interesting to hear them, and maybe cathartic for everyone.

Submitted October 09, 2014 at 09:17PM by petite_noob http://ift.tt/1w270KO ExNoContact