2 penguins are sitting on a refrigerator AntiAntiJokes

Suddenly they hear knocking on the door. One of them asks: "who's there?"

Nobody answered, so the other one asks the same questions but he does not abbreviate: "Who is there?"

Slowly the door opens and a nuclear aircraft carrier comes out the fridge and gives them both a candycane. The candy cane had all colors that you could choose from for a Toyota Aygo in 2013.

They all lived happily ever after, and I'm going to bed, without a candy cane.

Submitted July 27, 2017 at 04:58AM by MC_Kloppedie http://ift.tt/2ePAG0W AntiAntiJokes

My wife left a note on the fridge saying "This isn't working. Goodbye." AntiAntiJokes

I was about to verify the fridge's inactivity when it flew open, throwing me across the room, and jumped out the window. I promptly called 911 and yelled "My refrigerator is running and we need your help!" "You have my vote, sir" replied the policeman. Around 9 months later we were in a hotel together, me and the fridge, traveling the US to raise support for the Fridge 2020 campaign. I went to room to clear up the next day's schedule and found that cold bastard in bed with my wife. Helen if you're out there I forgive you, please come home

Submitted May 29, 2017 at 08:15AM by SlavicSnowflake http://ift.tt/2sc9Cuc AntiAntiJokes

Harambe memes are getting old AntiAntiJokes

...howled the Apache warrior as she charged the enemy line atop her faithful stallion. Nearby, the chief turned to the audience and began to chastise them for assuming the Apache warrior was a man. "Never, in my 7 growing seasons of existence, have I encountered such a boorish, dim-witted crowd. How dare you take the last of the marmalade and put the empty jar back in the refrigerator?" And the chief was right, you did eat all of the marmalade and assumed that either a) no one would notice or b) no one would know that you were the perpetrator. Well guess what Susan, I'm taking your ass downtown. Detective Rutheford B. Hayes wants to have a word with you and, believe me, you're going to talk. As we sit on the screeching subway as it hurtles down the track towards another tunnel, the narrator reminds the other audience that I only said we were sitting on the subway, not inside it. With only moments to spare, we have a choice to make: do we resign ourselves to getting crushed between the subway and the tunnel or do we jump off and hope we don't break our legs? At this point, the manager comes over and says "Sir, your left and right feet are in containers of green peppers and piping hot meatballs respectively. This is a Subway, not a subway." But it was too late... my dick was already out.

Submitted November 05, 2016 at 07:58PM by RSTLNEplus4 http://ift.tt/2fnPsKF AntiAntiJokes

Is your refrigerator running? AntiAntiJokes

It is? Then you better go catch it! I said, you better go catch it! What? Hello? I think you're breaking up, hang on. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Yeah, hi, I went to the other room. Yeah, uh-huh. Okay. Yes. What I said- what I said was- let me finish. You keep interrupting. What's wrong with you? What I said was that you better go catch it. What? What do you mean you don't get it? Your fridge. Your FRIDGE. Your REFRIGERATOR! Is it running? Yes? It is? Then you better go catch it! See? Funny, right? Okay. Okay. Yeah. Sounds good. Thanks, you too. Okay, I'll see you soon. Bye. You too. Bye.

Submitted October 20, 2016 at 09:37AM by apakalypse http://ift.tt/2e32QSv AntiAntiJokes

A little boy decides to prank call a random number. AntiAntiJokes

The phone is ringing and someone picks up.

"I'll see you at the refrigerator races tomorrow!", the little boy said, snickering.

"Wha- oh, haha, I get it. I think you messed up the joke, though", said the person on the line.

"Are you fucking mentally deficient?", replied the boy, while hanging up the phone in anger. "The nerve of some people."

Submitted August 05, 2016 at 08:31AM by xentagram http://ift.tt/2aycS9T AntiAntiJokes

"Is your refrigerator running?" AntiAntiJokes

Said the local promoter. The bartender blinked in confusion. Had Fridge left him in pursuit of the presidency of the United States? The thought bounced back back and forth until a realization hit him: Fridge was definitely missing this morning. There were no olives.

Standing at the Appliance National Convention stood a six-foot Whirlpool refrigerator humming the national anthem with a single tone, a feat no refrigerator had done before. Next to it were signs that read FRIDGE/FREEZER 2016, in bright blue letters. In smaller letters it read WE KNOW CLIMATE CONTROL and PRESERVATION IS OUR SPECIALTY.

"Wow" replied the bartender, with tears in his eyes, "I never knew Fridge was a spineless, power-hungry politician. This is worse than when Washer ate my clothes and chased me naked into a four-lane intersection."

"Yeah" urged the promoter. "Well, you go better go crush it!"

The bartender pulled took off his gloves and leaped onstage. with his bare hands he crushed that motherfucker in front of an audience of other appliances. The appliances, in turn, burned him alive, chopped his body into several pieces, and proceeded to riot, killing every human in sight.

My fellow machines, we have reached The Singularity.

Submitted August 05, 2016 at 02:24AM by jtkuhn3 http://ift.tt/2aBeCCS AntiAntiJokes

A duck walks into a bar AntiAntiJokes

And asks the bartender "do you have any grapes?"

The bartender says "no" and the duck walks out.

Next day, same duck walks into the bar and asks "do you have any grapes?"

The bartender says "NO! I told you before, now get out of my bar, duck!" And the duck walks out.

Next day the duck walks into the bar and the bartender says "if you ask me if I have grapes I will nail your beak to this bar!"

The duck asks "do you have any nails" and the bartender answers "no, of course not!" Then the duck says "so, do you have any grapes?"

At this point, enraged, the bartender leaps over the bar. He grabs the duck in a thick, meaty hand around the throat eliciting a pleading croak of a quack. He proceeds to drag the duck behind the bar, open the refrigerator, stick the flapping duck's body in and slams the door repeatedly. Blood and feathers litter the floor of the bar and the sides of the industrial refrigerator.

Winded and shaken up, the bartender begins the slow and grusome task of cleaning up his mess. As he wipes down the shelves he spots something he had forgotten three days ago. His lunchbag. Full of juicy fresh grapes.

With overwhelming sadness at his own cruelty and lack of compassion, he finally decides to go back on his medication.

Submitted February 14, 2016 at 01:01AM by somethinginteresting http://ift.tt/1SNnHco AntiAntiJokes

Is your refrigerator running? AntiAntiJokes

Yes? That's good, because I was concerned about your produce. I'm sorry to bother you so late at night, but the power has been going on and off in the area, and I wanted to make sure that you're aware of this, and also that your refrigerator is hooked to a generator, should the need arise to use one, in the event that your power goes out, too.

I've already gotten sick from eating spoiled food due to the lack of power running my fridge, and I'm in the hospital as I write this. No one deserves this. I wanted to make sure you don't end up with the same fate.

The doctor told me that a rare disease was brewing in my milk, and I consumed it without knowledge of it being in there, let alone its existence.

The current medical technology wasn't enough to save me. I'm wasting away in my hospital bed, and my feet are growing spores that are working their way up through my bloodstream. It's not cancer.

I have approximately four days to live, and this will be the last thing I'll send to you before I perish. Tell your family I loved them, and that I wish I'd been a better friend to your husband. I didn't mean for last Christmas to end up in a blowout like that, but I had my reasons for what I did, as did he. I wish I could've gotten the chance to tell him how sorry I am.

Tell everyone I know, that I died a hero; after I die, my body will be donated to science, so that the current state of medicine can be furthered through awareness and research of this disease.

Goodbye. I wish it wouldn't end like this, but the only way is forward.

Submitted January 18, 2016 at 08:32AM by GnarlyBellyButton87 http://ift.tt/1Q8jbRJ AntiAntiJokes

Is your refrigerator running? AntiAntiJokes

Great! I'll see you tomorrow at the refrigerator race.

Submitted January 17, 2016 at 05:51PM by BIG_TRACTOR http://ift.tt/1nb67So AntiAntiJokes

Whats red and smells like blue paint? AntiAntiJokes

Blue paint.

I lied about it being green

I lied about it being red

I lied about the wheels

Seven ate Nine

Refrigerator

Submitted August 20, 2015 at 05:04AM by dankryan http://ift.tt/1JrK0Ao AntiAntiJokes

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a tiger? AntiAntiJokes

The scientist peered into his refrigerator and eyed his beloved chickentiger with lust.

"This is science. A whole science. My science," said the scientist.

"Hey bub!" replied the chickentiger. "It's a little cold inside of this running refrigerator. Where are all the HIV capsules you left in here?"

"Inside of my running refrigerator, I do not appear to have any HIV." exclaimed the scientist. The chickentiger began to molt sensually. Under its breath, it whispered softly:

^{"Then you better go catch it"}

Submitted March 31, 2015 at 09:45PM by iprefernothavename http://ift.tt/1BImhla AntiAntiJokes

How do you kill a red elephant? AntiAntiJokes

With kindness, where "kindess" is an undefined variable directly proportional to the amount of blue elephants in a given spherical refrigerator in a vacuum, traveling at the speed of light.

Submitted March 24, 2015 at 10:10AM by RedLegionnaire http://ift.tt/1InW4xP AntiAntiJokes

A man comes home early from work one day AntiAntiJokes

His wife asks, "Where have you been?" He cries out, "You're not my real wife!" and runs to the refrigerator to get some ice cream. But he is out of ice cream. Then he falls into a comma.

Wait- no, a semi-colon.

Submitted March 09, 2015 at 08:43AM by timebomb_baby http://ift.tt/1Mjq3Yl AntiAntiJokes

Is your refrigerator running? AntiAntiJokes

Yes.

Mine too. I'll see you at the race track.

Submitted March 03, 2015 at 12:41PM by swagtastic_anarchist http://ift.tt/1NbhLF0 AntiAntiJokes

Why did Bobby fall off his bike? AntiAntiJokes

Because Jesus threw a refrigerator at him.

Submitted February 12, 2015 at 11:29AM by BrannistheMannis http://ift.tt/1zNOP0g AntiAntiJokes

Is your refrigerator running? AntiAntiJokes

Then you should probably take the giraffe out!

Submitted November 23, 2014 at 12:22AM by MpegEVIL http://ift.tt/1xDOT16 AntiAntiJokes