My 16 year old brother shot himself on Tuesday. My mom came home from work and found him. I was out of town when I got the call and rushed home. My husband, who is the best man I've ever known, rushed to be with my family until I could get there.
The bullet went through their refrigerator so we bought them a new one. It was just myself and my husband there when it was delivered, and the old one was hauled away. There was still some blood and stuff, just a small amount, left to clean up that was missed when the old refrigerator was moved. I cleaned it. I was numb when I did it, I'm pretty strong when it comes to that type of thing. But the next day, I wasn't ok about it anymore. I tried to watch a "horror" flick with friends yesterday after the memorial. (Probably stupid of me, but like I said, I'm usually pretty non-bothered by this type of thing.) Out of nowhere I had my very first panic attack. I didn't say anything to anyone. I just sat there. The horror flick wasn't even relevant to the details of the suicide or anything. Just something about it set me off.
My whole family is broken. My mom can't close her eyes to sleep without seeing what she walked into on Tuesday. My other little brother already suffers from depression and mental illness. I'm terrified for him. I'm going to try my best to make sure he's ok, and if he's not, that he gets help.
My step-brother's dad is broken. His biological sisters are broken.
There wasn't a note. There weren't any outward signs. We heard a rumor from other parents at his school that a girl said something along the lines of "You're worthless, and you'll never amount to anything" to him. I don't know if that's true, but I can see why he would be a target of bullying, even though he didn't deserve it. Kids can be so cruel.
He was on the autism spectrum, but high functioning.
He was hilarious. He was smart. He had potential. He was kind. He had us, and we loved him, so much.
He had friends, not many, but a handful of close ones.
I know people say this kind of thing after someone dies, but it was all true about him, he was sweet. He was a good person. He had his faults, but we all do. He didn't know how to be mean, he didn't know how to hurt someone.
He was thankful to my mother for every little thing, it was cute. He loved to read, and she bought him all the books he could ever want, he never could get over the fact that someone would do that for him.
He's only been in our lives for a few years, and I don't know much about his home life with his bio-mom before his dad and my mom got together, but what I've heard it was terrible. I'm sure he was hurting for more than one reason.
So many kids from his high school have been affected by this. There are a group of 5 girls in particular who are angry, determined, heartbroken, and ready to do something about this in his memory. They're starting a school club to let other students know that they're not alone and that people care about them. It's awe-inspiring, really. The paperwork has gone through the school board already and it's been approved.
We didn't really have a funeral, it was a memorial, a celebration of life. A way for anyone that wanted to to speak out about their feelings, if they wanted to, and share memories of my step-brother. We opened the floor to everyone. There were so many people there that there weren't enough chairs.
There were so many people that cared, I wish he could have seen it. But that's not how depression works.
I'm going to need help. I've dealt with a lot of loss, sudden loss, death due to health issues, death due to cancer where I've helped my mom through nursing her dying husband in home hospice, death due to old age. I can deal with death. I'm not afraid of it and I can get through grief.
What I feel right now isn't just grief. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know how I'm going to be able to explain what I feel to a stranger, a therapist.
I want to heal myself, I want to heal my family. I want to take away their pain. But I can't.
I don't know what to do.
Submitted October 09, 2017 at 07:47AM by misterkittyx http://ift.tt/2y9MZfV offmychest
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