So what do you give a shit about? awakened

The older I get and the more I seem to gravitate towards the metanarrative experience of 'awakening' or 'enlightenment,' the less I actually care about. I don't want to invest my attention into hobbies (however deeply involved I used to be), I no longer want to 'get to know' people or figure out their narrative or involve them in my life (including family). I am aware of some manipulative possibilities; I could try to x to get y from z person and have such and such outcomes.... But I don't care to do this. The word structure of love and family and friends and emotions all seem like distant, naive hopes that hinge on ignorance and A LOT of undue effort.

I have no ambition, though awareness of ambitious possibilities abound. I have no libido, although sexual opportunities abound. The situation is similar for every conceivable area of interest in my life; i see so much possibility, but the reality is that I don't care, there is no impetus to see it happen. Every 'achievement' I've made takes me a step closer to not wanting anything (and i contrast this with the notion I have that 'success'or 'achievement' seem to beget more efforts to suceed or achieve in the people I know).

Psychologists say I'm depressed, blue collar working folks say I'm a loser, the people who know me say I'm a walking contradiction. All I know is I don't give a shit. No matter what I do or set my mind to, when I stop focusing on that, i will return to the state of " eh," so what's all the fuss about? I just don't care. Which is a little inaccurate because, I WISH i cared. I want to want, instead of just wanting. Does this make sense?

Of course I see where this is all headed: i could end up homeless (and this is a very real possibility given my current trajectory), and I wouldn't mind all that much. I'd end up eating, walking around, sleeping, ignoring people, imagining millions of different narratives about whatever just the same as i do now, but without the luxury of a refrigerator..... And I don't think it would bother me beyond an initial twinge from my indoctrinated ideas about homelessness. I wish the thought was terrifying, but I know I'd make it and have more or less the same range of experience as i do now.

I don't know what to make of it all, I feel like I'm going fucking crazy.

So how bout you?

Submitted June 03, 2016 at 02:38AM by sorceryofthetesticle http://ift.tt/1PoGNER awakened