Hey guys, the past couple months I've been severely depressed. It started when my mother and grandmother convinced me to move closer to them and my job, all under the guise that I would be able to spend more time with my son.
They guilt tripped me. Saying my 1 year old son never saw me and we weren't bonding. That it would effect him later on in life. My mother has a house I can rent from her for really cheap. Which I thought was good. I'd be able to save up money to buy my own house. But the house had some minor repairs to be done before my son and I could move in.
So after a couple months of them talking to me daily about this and coming up with plans that would "help" my son and I, we moved back to town. We were set up to stay at my grandparent's house with my ngrandma and egrandfather.
It was stressful at first. 4 months until our move in date. But luckily my grandmother was gone on vacation for 6 weeks shortly after we moved in and my mother was busy with work.
When my grandmother returned from vacation is when it started again. She would swoon over my child, let him have and do anything he wanted, even though I explicitly told her not to. She would tell me that I didn't love him and I didn't want to spend time with him. But at the same time she would take him with her to visit her friends, go to bible studies, and anything else during the week before I got home from work, and keep him out until his bed time. He started preferring her over me because he was always with her. And she continued saying horrible things about my parenting. It got to the point that I started believing that maybe I was a horrible mother. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this. Maybe I should give my son up for adoption.
At the same time this was going on, I find out from my mother and step father that they are letting my GCstepbrother move into the house with me. I was so excited to finally have my own place with peace and quiet. And it was ripped away from me. They let him stay there for 6 weeks rent free while they finished painting and doing the minor repairs.
I'm moving into the house tomorrow, and my mother already asked me for rent yesterday on the 1st. I brought up the fact that GCStepbrother had lived there for so long rent free and she said, "Well you were supposed to move in May 1st anyways. You had the same opportunity to have a month of free rent." I didn't bother telling her that the house didn't have a refrigerator until 2 weeks ago, or that there were power tools lying around, or that she hadn't replaced the carpet that reeked of dog urine that was in the room my son and I will have to share until last weekend.
And then last night I had an epiphany. I'm not a bad mother. My mother and grandmother are the bad mothers. My grandmother made my mother and her oldest brother the scapegoats, while the middle child was the GC.
My own mother was never there for me. At 2 years old on Saturday mornings I was microwaving myself breakfast on the weekends and figured out how to work the VCR by myself because my mother would have rather slept in. When my step father beat me for the most ridiculous reasons, she wouldn't listen to my side of the story, she would just let him ground me afterwards for disrespecting him by "lying" about the situation. When my stepbrother molested me, I didn't trust anyone to believe me, so I didn't tell anyone until years later when my younger GCHalf-Sister came out with similar allegations of the abuse. And when I finally came forward and felt it safe to tell my mother, she brushed it off.
When I was depressed at age 12 and cut myself on the arms, no one cared about my feelings or wellbeing. I was beaten because I was on the swim team and my stepfather said "How would we explain this to people?" My mother came home and asked why I did it. I told her I was depressed. Her response was, "Depression isn't real."
She never took an interest in me unless it was music related. I was a fantastic musician, and it was always something she wished she was good at.
She never taught me proper hygiene. I learned that all on my own. I always received goodwill clothing that was 3 sizes too big so that I could "grow into it", while my siblings got actual outfits from higher end department stores.
My school life was horrible. I was awkward, bullied, never made any friends. I basically had a huge target on my back from day one. I hadn't been properly socialized at all. But she said it was because I was so smart and a threat to everyone. She didn't cook healthy meals. I was highly overweight my entire childhood. She didn't see this as a problem. I was just "big boned" and more mature than the kids my age. Because I was so overweight, I started developing back and knee issues that still effect me today.
So this all made me realize. I'm not the bad mother. They are. I'm still going to be moving into the house tomorrow. But now that my stepbrother moved in, I'm going to be saving every penny. I'm going to get myself and my son away from these people for good. Even if it takes me 6 months to 2 years. It's going to happen and when that day comes, I'm going to be so happy to finally drop all contact. They won't see what hit them.
Submitted June 03, 2016 at 10:20AM by PlopRock http://ift.tt/1t5m5Ao raisedbynarcissists
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