welcome back to the pet shop of horrors. today's tale is one of true crime, drama, romance, and the underfupa belly of the american dream. it will have you on the edge of your Comfy Chair, ready to reevaluate all you know in life.
just kidding. it's a story about dog biscuits. RIP dog biscuits.
today's main players:
Me (Pepper): small filipina masquerading as a spaniard. in charge of the aquatics department. extraordinary detective.
Angel: my friend and old supervisor, got promoted to a higher management position [inventory] but no longer in charge of me. the ideal Good Christian: not a single hateful bone in her entire body. Team Mom, ears like a bat.
Freckles: lead dog trainer and my acting supervisor. 4'11" and 85lbs of pure terror, rage, and destruction. used to be in charge of the companion animals. apparently immortal.
Hamrole: large, spherical part-time dog trainer and part-time cashier. somewhere between 30-40 years old. 5'5" and probably around 350-400lbs. talks to anyone in the vicinity about tabletop RPGs and/or LARPing, hence the name. smells weird, as you will. wears clownish makeup and a top hat.
Lemur: dog/cat department manager. shares my pain. tall, really skinny, has glasses. really good at climbing things and usually the go-to guy for putting stuff in topstock. my mischievous boredom buddy.
It was a dark and stormy night at Pet[redacted]. Not because of the weather, but because Freckles' dark magic skill is high enough to cast Neverending Gloom. The team's collective tears manifested as a torrential September rainstorm outside, driving most customers away. Money had been disappearing from the till lately, distracting all but our protagonist and her faithful Lemur sidekick from the True Mystery.
Enter a Mysterious Stranger
kidding
it's just a very soggy customer
Soggy Customer to me: Hi there. I'd like to get a bag of my dog's favorite biscuits from the self-serve bar, but it looks like you're out.
Me: Ah, I'm terribly sorry. Which kind of biscuits are you after? I'll check in the back [freight room].
Soggy Customer: The type that look like Oreos but for dogs. I'd like the special Halloween version.
These biscuits are popular, but most customers purchase them in small quantities, due to them being FULL of sugar. The special orange/black Halloween version was a new item seasonal item. We order huge amounts of them, and usually have multiple boxes on hand.
Me: Gotcha. Do you mind waiting for a few minutes?
Soggy Customer: No problem, I need to dry off a little anyways.
aka drip miserably on the floor
only assholes carry umbrellas around here
soaked to the skin is a sign of Valiant Strength and Dominance.
Hamrole is at the register and sees Soggy Customer and rolls her eyes.
Hamrole carries an umbrella
to be fair if Hamrole was ever fully drenched, she would probably resemble a blobfish. anyways
go look in the back room
yup we've got about four boxes, and of course they're on the bottom
enlist Lemur for help
heavy biscuit box GET!
Soggy Customer purchases her biscuits and disappears back into the night.
Lemur and I take the opportunity to fully restock the treat bar.
it looks fucking amazing
The day progresses. Due to Hamrole's general level of awful, three of her dog classes have cancelled on her and she is scheduled to be on the register for the rest of the night. The classes were all made up of small dogs, and the generally accepted theory is that the dogs were terrified of being stepped on and or/eaten. Several hours later, I am called up to cover Hamrole's 45 minute lunch break.
freckles is supposed to do this but I end up doing it anyways because freckles
Be me, bored to absolute tears
a wild Freckles appears!
Freckles: You know why Hamrole's large dog classes got transferred to me? Because the dogs keep trying to play with her like a beach ball and she can't handle it.
Me: What.
Freckles: She went off on me how she can't do large dogs because they discriminate against her for her weight. Or shape. Or something. I don't give a flip.
.................
that's nice freckles
Me: Oh. Can you take over here now? I have more work to do in my department.
Freckles: Nope. Find time to do it later, I'm busy [doing nothing and annoying Lemur].
the wild Freckles uses Teleport!
the wild Freckles disappeared...
fuck you Freckles
be Me, bored again. decide to look over the beautifully stocked treat bar.
half of the dog oreos are gone
weird, we've had like no customers today
other team members probably swiped some to put in the dog treat pocked of our Awfully Inconvenient Apron Uniforms
another customer saunters in, purchases a large bag of dog oreo cookies. wants to look at dog training form
guess it's biscuit day?
go to pull dog training form from cabinet
there are dog oreos in here............ they're crumbly and broken into smaller bite-size pieces
finish transaction
run detectiveskills.exe
call up Lemur to bring more cookies because treat bar's gotta look awesome dammit
put the rest of the trays of dog cookies from the box in treat bar, add an additional box to the overstock under the treat bar.
Hamrole saunters back up to the register, strangely on time.
Me: Why are there so many biscuit crumbs up here? The papers are getting sticky.
Hamrole: What, you think I'm responsible for crumbs because I'm fat?
........................................
Me: Um, no? It's just that you've been up here all day.
hamrole rolls her eyes
i'm momentarily afraid they might get stuck backwards in her head
then I realize I don't care
note Hamrole's apron pockets before leaving. they appear empty.
Hamrole is too large to wear the half tie-on aprons like the rest of us. Instead she wears a full-on apron that accentuates her [santa clause] curves. It's easy to tell whether the treat pockets are full or not.
Pepper chooses Run! She got away safely.
put on detective hat
it's actually a green cheek conure that likes to sit on my head
Green Cheek ConureDetective Hat: WHAT THE FLIP. Step up! Step up! Pepper's useless! DO IT.so this is what Freckles has been doing when "busy"
The day flies by and Hamrole and Freckles leave at 8pm. I'm assigned to the register for the last hour but I don't mind. Mostly I juggle tennis balls and chuck them at Lemur when I see him organizing his department. It is great fun.
note treat bar stock levels
Halloween cookies are low again
inspect halloween cookie
smells strangely sweet
gotta write that shit down in my clue notebook
eventually bean Lemur in the back of the head with a tennis ball.
the wild Lemur has been caught! he joins my party and wanders up front
Me: Hey, Lemur. I dare you to eat a halloween dog biscuit.
Lemur: Why?
Me: Because I'm bored as shit.
Lemur: ...........fine. But only if you eat one too.
An pact is formed. Lemur opens the new box under the treat bar because the ones in the bin have been touched by random people all day and some of those people don't use hand sanitizer after responsibly picking up after their dogs. Also, it's a goddamn pet store.
be Lemur, also noting the greatly fluctuating levels of halloween biscuits in the top bin
Lemur retrieves two uncontaminated biscuits from the new box and we move to where we are in full sight of the security cameras.
slowly eat the biscuits while staring at the camera with dead eyes
The cookies are really sweet, and are essentially bland oreos. Guaranteed by our Healthy Pet philosophy to give your dog Dogabeetus.
Day ends, Lemur and I close up the tills. Have to stay late to file a report because the drawer is $43.00 and some odd cents off. RIP our patience.
over the next week and a half:
Money keeps disappearing from the till whenever Hamrole is on cashier for long periods of time, though the differences are much smaller and not report-worthy. While Hamrole is the prime suspect, we can prove nothing. The fluctuating levels of Halloween biscuits continue until we are down to one single box... each box holds about 150 cookies. Hamrole's pockets are noted to be sporadically full, though cookie possession is also typical of dog trainers. Hamrole continues to return to register on time. Something fishy's going on, and for once's it's not just the smell of Hamrole.
Angel, this story's troubled Femme Fatale, consults me several times.
Angel: Someone keeps making a mess of the freight room and pushing the dog/cat food carts all around and I keep finding crumbs and cookie chunks on the floor and I'm tired of sweeping and rolling everything back in place. I know it's not you or Lemur, but can you guys keep an eye out for me?
Angel: Also, I had to up the minimum reorder for the dog halloween cookies but my shrink calculations on them have been massive. Corporate's starting to get pissy.
We agree to keep an eye out. The incidents keep occurring, until one day Angel slips on a cookie piece and falls right onto her tailbone.
No one puts my Angel in danger. The investigation is put into overdrive.
freckles slips too but no one cares
she respawned anyways
Freckles offhandedly tells Lemur several times that the break room's been really quiet, normal-smelling, and planet-free lately
add this to the fact that Hamrole has barely been leaving the building for lunch, usually bringing her bags of beetus with her when she arrives
suspicious
consult detective hat
Detective Hat: Roly poly! Roly poly! Useless! Step up!
Detective Pepper and Lemur form a Plan.
the day of the sting operation:
Hamrole is working and we have Other Cashier covering her breaks. The store is devoid of customers. Lemur stocks the cookie bin. Hamrole's lunch break is about to begin, and Lemur and I climb the dog food carts to the top-stock shelves in the freight room. They're approximately 40ft up. We camouflage ourselves behind boxes and wait.
footsteps
is it the perpetrator?
nope, it's Freckles hiding out and texting
use Repel!
lemur lobs a tennis ball at her
Freckles dies of Fright!
freckles respawns
dammit
Freckles: WHAT THE ACTUAL FLIPPING FLIPPITY FLIPPING FLIP FLIP
freckles flees
We continue to wait for our target.
heavy footsteps
huffing and puffing
tee hee
Target Positively Identified
peek around the boxes
Hamrole pushes around the dog/cat food carts until she creates a small cove. She removes several halloween dog oreos from her pockets and proceeds to eat them carefully at first, pulling them apart and eating the cream with great relish, and then the cookies. Soon, she is crunching down full cookies, scattering bits and crumbs everywhere. The cookie murders are gruesome, and we cannot look away until she finishes plowing down all eleven cookies in her pockets. Yes, we counted. Her murderous appetite is not sated, but she has run out of victims. She is forced to make a waddling exit.
Lemur stands.
Lemur: HAMROLE. DUDE. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL.
hamrole freezes and slowly looks up, turning the same magenta as her lipstick
this supernova might explode
Hamrole: I WAS FEELING LIGHTHEADED, OKAY. AND UH. I FIGURED I SHOULD TEST THE TASTINESS [aka palatability?] FOR THE DOGS.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DO YOU KNOW HOW HIGH THE DOLLAR AMOUNT ON OUR SHRINKAGE IS FOR THOSE.
Hamrole: NO ONE CARES, PEPPER.
hamrole puts the waddle in full gear, planning her escape through the freight room's swinging doors
Angel enters, pushing a large restock cart. Hamrole collides with it, but the slippery concrete floors do nothing but slide Angel and the cart back a few inches.
Angel: I CARE.
Angel: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Angel: YOU NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR.
Case closed.
Angel, Lemur, and I took the matter to the General Manager the next day. She didn't believe us because she has an unruly six year old who ate the cookies and came down with awful stomach cramps, to which Hamrole is apparently immune, due to the hamplanet stomach of steel minor superpower. In the end, the biscuit murders ceased but those killed were never given justice. RIP dogabeetus halloween biscuits, may your ghosts continue to haunt the store.
TL;DR: Hamrole eats dozens upon dozens (like seriously close to $100) of halloween dog biscuits out of a filthy bin that tons of people and dogs touch. Hamrole continues to be an OHSA violation. The case has been solved, but there is no justice for the slain cookies. Lemur and protagonist have pretty good aim with tennis balls.
I hope this was not too dry to fully sate your appetites, dear readers. Other items on the menu include: hamrole works freight, the refrigerator incidents, hamrole puts TMI into overdrive and hits on Freckle's boyfriend, and a small anthology of all the times hamrole was bitten by animals [this one is a bit upsetting though]. I quit work there in february, so these stories are just coming as I remember them.
Submitted August 16, 2015 at 07:30AM by pepperkitty http://ift.tt/1LesPCz fatpeoplestories
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