Hey folks, can read my previous post for my background if you wish: http://ift.tt/1G4ePIX
I've just been really annoyed today because I feel like I'm close and just can't get my head right. I know I'm doing better these days than I ever have. I remember the suicidal thoughts, I remember thinking I would never be able to sit in a quiet room, or go out to dinner, or just walk down the street with my girlfriend and not lose my mind. I'm not those things anymore, but my quality of life just isn't quite where I want it.
Does anyone else feel like their obsession with hearing/monitoring/listening to the tinnitus is worse than the actual sound itself? I am lucky in the sense that my sound is relatively quiet, usually in the background. Masking it is difficult but it rarely gets really loud and never really prevents me from hearing things around me. Unfortunately I find that despite this my brain just wants to check up on it all the time. If I can't hear it my brain will check and see and then come back to it later. If I can hear it my brain will check and see and say "yup, there it is!" Sometimes I feel like I can't go 45 seconds without hearing it and while it doesn't cause me the feelings of panic or despair anymore it is honestly just exhausting. My brain will even focus on other background noises sometimes even if it isn't the tinnitus. It's this sort of constant obsession with sound that I just don't remember ever having in my life before. I notice sounds everywhere I go now, whether the tinnitus (most of the time), the refrigerator running, a fan in a bar, etc.
I just find it so frustrating that a noise I've been hearing nonstop for almost a year now is still "interesting" to my brain. I do what I can to stay active and busy and I'm not just sitting in my house waiting for this thing to go away, but I wish I could just sit my brain down and be like "seriously, it's not so bad, you know this, how about you just let it go?"
Anyways, guess I just had to vent a bit...I'll keep trying, hope you all will too. Stay positive when you can.
Submitted April 18, 2015 at 02:58AM by Semigruntled http://ift.tt/1CVzloS tinnitus
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