Today part of my house collapsed. I found out while I was at work. I have two court dates coming up, and I had a meeting with the DA this morning. I found out my abusive ex got a good lawyer, and the case will probably be thrown out on a technicality. So after hearing this news I went back to the office. Found out one of my supervisors stole money from a grant to fund my project. More than half the grant money gone. The past 6 months of work now pointless, and my whole organization is likely going to be investigated and shut down. And I thought she was my friend. So I was reeling from those two disasters and then I got a text message from my neighbor. He thought I already knew. I drove up the hill right away and saw the devastation. Shattered glass, strewn insulation, woodwork in splinters.
And I have to go to court tomorrow. With my free charity lawyer, while my ex has hired a smarmy asshole in a suit.
And now I've counted all the pills in my house. 24 nighttime cold and sinus pills. 30 Adderall XR. 3 Wellbutrin XL. 13 ibuprofen. 23 Tylenol. Half a large bottle of vitamin D3. Got a bottle of wine too. If I had a gun that would leave less room for a failed attempt, but I don't. I guess there's always that little foot bridge over the falls.
I'm not going to do it tonight, but they're there for when court goes horribly tomorrow. I know. I have reasons to live. I drew them up on my refrigerator. I have a kid. I have a cause. I have skills. I have activities I love doing. I have family and friends. And right now I just want the agony to stop. I can't handle anymore devastating curveballs life loves to throw at me. I just can't do it. My family will take good care of my daughter, raise her far away from this hellhole I am trapped in. She'll have access to a good school and dental care, live in a house that is still standing.
I give up. I want out. I just want the pain to stop.
Submitted March 12, 2015 at 09:01AM by Zakiahthewolf http://ift.tt/1Bte491 SuicideWatch
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