Warning: the information shared with you below is to be taken seriously and it is advised you are on the lookout at all times to avoid encountering this human. If you enter any relationship with this human species, romantic or not, you could waste two or more years of your life with someone who has no goals, dreams, ambitions, self-respect, self-control, or heart. Yes I said heart, continue reading.
What to look for: a male specimen of approximately six feet tall, potentially not wearing shoes, hair will be unwashed, long, tangled, and knotted. He will most likely be wearing an outfit picked out by a middle school-aged boy or if you catch him on a good day, he could be disguised as a hipster wearing a flannel, tight, ankle-rolled jeans, Birkenstocks, with his top button secure, and a top bun. Oh god the lethal top bun. Ladies, and gentlemen, do not be fooled by the top bun with this one. Basically he looks like every other trendy male dabbling in the modeling industry but trying to stay cool with his occasional adventure photo.
If you're unsure if you've been caught in a dangerously close proximity to this human and still aren't certain, he will most likely be quiet with his phone in hand. This species is always looking for an opportunity to post and thus be validated by his community and peers. He will be on the hunt for his next super trendy IG, FB, or snapchat post. When he's not looking for material to post in a silent competition with himself to get the most likes, he will be scrolling through endless selfies and "model" pics dreaming of his future as a trendy, panty-dropper male model. Don't be fooled ladies, he relies on his modeling for an endless slew of reasons, which basically all boil down to his insecurities and need for external validation and attention. He also spent 6 years in college majoring in a dead end degree (bragging about how pointless it was) just so he could live at home and not pay rent while he finished school. So now that he can do absolutely nothing with his degree, he sometimes takes photos (usually for free or low pay) to fill his boring, not going anywhere life.
If you happen to catch him off his phone and in a genuinely good disguise, you can reveal him by doing one of these listed options:
Ask anything remotely philosophical or in anyway ‘deep’. He will not know how to reply, this species only knows how to answer questions that are on the surface like, "what is your name?”, “where do you live?”, or “have you eaten today?" He is often even thrown off by the occasional "are you ok?”, “where do you want to eat?”, and “where do you want to go?" questions.
Ask if he surfs but be warned. He will play it off and find ways to reveal his surf abilities in some way shape or form. He might shrug and say "yeah, sometimes..." And then interrupt at any given time exclaiming the surf will be pumping, over head, and sick the next morning and then arrange a caravan with his bros to an over-populated surf spot where they will be super surf styly and shred. He does this to woo you but don't be fooled, lucky for you, you now own this guide which will help you not be screwed over by a guy that will result in you wasting several years of your life and several hundreds to thousands of dollars.
See if he uses the hashtags #styly #topbottonorGTFO #poop if you find all three, he's most likely posting a photo of him doing a hair flip somewhere.
Ask him if he has a girlfriend, without fail this species will always say "no." Even if they indeed do have a girlfriend. You see, this rare male species will actually commit to creating romantic relationships with any walking, breathing female that has her genitals and breasts (also slightly debatable). If you find yourself suddenly standing in front of him, stay calm and back away slowly. Although he boasts self-confidence to his Instagram followers and Facebook friends, he's masking himself because in reality he's actually the most insecure of the male species. So insecure, he will cheat on you (if in a committed relationship, most likely for 40-80% of it depending on how often you catch him, and he will guilt trip you for leaving him or for living a somewhat independent lifestyle.
I also warn you that as fun and nice as this rare male species may seem, do not be fooled, this rare creature is actually heartless. Yes, he is indeed living without a heart. Very rare, I know. Without diving too deep into the specifics of how heartless he actually is (as if the year and a half of cheating with countless women wasn't enough) he, for example, might avoid joining you in your effort to deliver toys to a children's cancer center for selfish reasons, like it being "too hard to see" or him "hating hospitals" or he might even completely ignore you after your break up, even after he finds out your mom was diagnosed with potentially life-threatening Cancer (just a few months after breaking up). These documented reports just show you a glimpse of his heartlessness but trust me when I say there is an endless stack of classified reports validating and confirming his heartless and selfish behaviors.
All in all, you might be reading this thinking you know this human and might be wondering what to do. Do not worry, I, like you, felt worried and had no idea how to leave and unattach myself from this human after three years but I broke it off and ran as far and as fast as I could in the opposite direction and have never looked back. I can promise you, not only am I fine, I am ecstatic. I have gained so much of my life back and have gotten rid of so much anger, annoyance, frustration, and stress that were polluting my perfectly good life.
In the crazy chance that you still want to take your chances with this human, I will warn you that your future will consist of nights in, meaningless sex, on the surface conversations about nothing, no attempts to surprise you or take risks, oh and if you don't surf, don't expect him to teach you; he likes to keep his surf time to himself so he can meet hot surfer chicks out in the ocean while you're at home sleeping or working. He won't be the bread winner, he will never get rid of his dinosaur shirt (and will probably wear it to meet your parents), he will never cuddle (even if you ask), he will never stay for breakfast because watching TV at home is so much more important, and he will probably never move out of pay rent which means you dealing with cleaning his room, doing his laundry, looking at his rocket ship fan from when he was four, or walking on his fake grass that he has so nicely carpeted into his own room. Don't be confused, this is not a child, this is an actual adult, aged 25 years old.
Oh and did I mention he has an empty refrigerator tattooed on his back? That along with a bat on his shoulder (went into a tattoo shop and let his tattooer do whatever he wanted), a pelican with a captain’s hat on, an octopus arm coming out of a rose that oddly looks like a vagina, and about a dozen more tattoos that have no significant meaning whatsoever.
If you can embrace all of that, he's all yours. I, on the other hand, will be spending my life chasing my dreams, traveling the world, challenging myself to dream big and set higher goals; I will spend more time committed to genuine relationships with my friends and romantic partner, and I will never again waste another moment hopelessly loving someone who could not only NOT meet me half way in our relationship but also make a fool out of me for several years.
If this makes its way back to this rare species who never reads and spends his time watching TV or porn then he should know this: thank you for reminding me why I broke up with you day after day, my mom is alive and recovering and is being showered in love by family and friends (not thanks to you and not that you've ever cared to ask or know), I do have a new boyfriend, he's wonderful and he actually plans dinner dates and has life goals!!
So ladies, don’t date the guy with the empty refrigerator tattoo, cause I realize now, that fridge is empty for a reason.
Forever, The girl who spent too many years trying to love you.
Submitted March 03, 2015 at 09:25AM by freebirdfeathers http://ift.tt/1FQ3c4o funny
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