Hi,
I live together with my father and he asked me if I wanted a slice of cake three hours ago. But the story actually begins a few hours before that event. Today is Sunday, so he asked me to go grocery shopping for the next week and gave me a list and shopping money. It was morning and, being -10 degrees celsius out there, I decided to wait till midday and asked him if I could do so. He said yes. In hindsight, it was a bad decision. Also, we have people working for us (for the purposes of shopping, cooking and cleaning) and, sadly, my spine is abnormally curved in two points. Therefore I don't really like carrying things. But today is Sunday, so we are alone; if he tells me to go, I go.
So, the cake. He brought out a cake box he bought from a local and somewhat famous bakery. I took out a big plate and a glass lid, two forks and two plates, began the process of taking the cake out of the box. At that time, that seems the logical thing to do. But suddenly he went mad, shove me away, and told me that the cake will stay in the box so that he would be able to box it up again. The reason for this was, apparently, to keep the cake flesh. Never mind the big plate and glass lid standing right next to it, never mind I could put it back to the box afterwards. After that, he told me to take all the cake I want and stormed off to the living room. I did as he told me to and cut a thin slice for myself, boxed up the cake, put it to the refrigerator. Ten minutes later he screamed my name so I went to see what he wanted. He asked me what I did with the cake and I told him what I did. He quietly asked me why I haven't given him any, why I never care for him and that he doesn't want me to go grocery shopping anymore. I quietly left the room.
What happened, while a little weird, doesn't seem that bad. But things build up. Slowly you mind begin to eat herself. Our troubles really have started a few years ago. I am a student, I study law in the best law school my country has, and it was hell getting in. Its tuition is very high too, higher that I could ever hope to pay by working myself. So my father pays for it and we live together. He is well off, the properties he owns are easily worth millions of dollars alone. But things aren't all that well.
To start, I am simply not a whole human being for him, just something to beat around. I don't have much I enjoy, but I can't even watch an anime while at home (one of the only hobbies I have at this point, I usually watch at school library). He is constantly screaming my name and asking for simple things like a glass of water, a plate of food, resetting the router, ordering something by phone, opening the window, closing the window... If I don't present myself within half a minute of screaming, he comes barging in. So wearing headphones are out. If he finds me watching a movie or reading a book (doing anything which is not studying actually) he starts lecturing me about how much he pays for me, how selfish I am and how I don't love him. This goes on for half an hour sometimes. Afterwards he returns to his room and starts talking to himself. He keeps saying how tired he is and how no one cares. Keep in mind that this only happens when we are alone; so, evenings, nights and Sundays. Also, If he hears any sound of an anime or a song, he comes barging in, and repeat all of the above. I realize that he needs help, but when I tried to bring it up he blamed me for it, started screaming how he wants to kill himself, and forced me to stay in my room. He is not well, and, as a side product, neither am I.
I want to leave, but I have nowhere to go. I am depended on him. I can't pay my way through school. Leaving him and the school is an option, but if I do it, I don't know how I will be able to pay off my debts. See, he pays them this days.
What debts, you are a student, you might ask. Well, sometimes ago, when he needed some cash within a few hours (I have no idea why), he send me to a bank to take a loan. Being who am I, bank gave what I asked. It was quite a big amount too. He also had decided he doesn't want to use his own savings. He said he will pay back within two-three weeks. He didn't. Now, he usually gives me the installments after a week or two late every month. Usually after some very distressing calls from the bank. You will probably say that I should have said no to him, but I couldn't. I could never say no to him, I am deadly afraid of saying no to him. The idea of saying no to him makes me sweat and shake.
This is not all the problem, I am dirt poor within all these riches around me. I don't have an allowance for my daily needs. He asks me sometimes if I have money, than gives $10 or so if I say I don't. He usually asks weekly, so I have to make do with $10 for a week or so. It is enough to buy some bottles of water, a 5-6 lunches at the school dining hall. I don't eat breakfast at home because I don't want to sit next to him. I don't eat dinner at home because I don't want to sit next to him. I actually become afraid when I stay at the same room with him. I go to school six days every week so I manage to eat a big lunch everyday and usually some bread and cheese at nights. We eat together at Sundays.
I don't have many possessions either. Last time I went clothes shopping was, like, two years ago. I have this laptop I am writing in.
I thought maybe I could work. You know, earn some money for myself, however small. But I am not allowed, what would everyone say to him! So, I tried working from home, doing some translating at nights, when he is asleep. But after a while I started to sleep only 4-5 hours every day and simply couldn't keep it up. My school gives 32 hours of lectures every week, they are mandatory, and %30 percent of grades are weekly essays and other various homework. I don't have time for working some hours every day. It is either school or work. But I don't think I could stay at home if I leave the school, and there is no way I could earn enough to live and pay the debt.
He is usually quite mellow if I do everything he tells me to do and constantly study. The problems and his quite rages start the moment I don't or be a minute late at doing.
Still, there are few things I enjoy in this life. I commute to school, and it takes one hour every morning, one and half every evening. And, my friends, I use that hours. Usually to listen to some music (progressive rock) while reading a novel. Fantasy or romance. And I watch Crunchyroll at school in free periods I have. I used to have two very valuable possessions for this. My only treasures, two gifts I have been given by my friends. One Shure SE215, and one Kindle. God save ereaders and #bookz. My smartphone comes from him so that he could reach me whenever he wants.
You probably noticed but I said I used to have them. My SE215 disappeared from my desk at home this week, and my Kobo's screen broke when I fell down on ice two days ago.
But that is enough about my life, let's return to the story I told you in the beginning. Two hours before I started writing this my father barged into my room and asked why I haven't gone grocery shopping yet. I told him I haven't because he told me not to. I got up from my chair and said I am going. Then he told me he wouldn't eat anything I would buy now and left my room. I sat for ten minutes, got dressed, went out of our apartment and to the swimming pool downstairs, entered a changing room and cried for ten minutes, went to the supermarket and bought all he wanted, found a pharmacy and bought some painkillers with the leftover money, come back home.
When he saw me carrying the groceries, the meat and all that in, he told me how easy it way to do as was told and told me to go to my room and study.
Do you know, the last album of Blind Guardian came out a few days ago. Blind Guardian is one of my favorite bands, I listened to it just now for the first time, while writing this. I was saving it for a time when I could be alone at home. It is, in my humble opinion, the best thing they ever did. I had to keep the sound really low, but it was nice
I am ever so happy I managed to listen to something that magnificent.
I told you, things build up. Your mind eats herself, slowly everything ends. I wish I could believe in god, any god.
Submitted February 15, 2015 at 09:27PM by adarette http://ift.tt/1BfCOmc offmychest
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