Worstward Ho! TotallyStraight

This is mostly a rant.

I'm 27, gay. I've had sex twice in my life; first time was with an actually very handsome, but milquetoast, straight friend of mine who wanted to experiment one drunken night (i.e., quite good-looking, but not attractive, if that makes sense). That was the more farcical of the two encounters. The second time, an acquaintance I was always ambivalent about ran into me, already more than sufficiently lubricated, invited me to his office where, improbably, he had some beer in his refrigerator, got a text from some random person he "met" online, and invited me to "watch". Never found the guy attractive in the slightest, but thought I'd only be watching. We get to this basement (ugh), the scene of the assignations, and Other Guy tells me to take off my clothes. Although not exactly fearing for my life, I was too shocked/drunk to say no; he tells me to get down, and I fortunately have the presence of mind to say "not without a condom". I hated every moment of it. Not rape, but not consensual sex either. This one's more the black comedy than the farce.

I come from a family that, for rich families, is rather stereotypical. My father and mother divorced when I was very young, because he had a fondness for both mistresses and prostitutes. For all I know, perhaps simultaneously. So I grew up with my mother, who, as far as I was concerned, largely split her time evenly between spoiling me, ignoring me, and berating me for my sundry shortcomings. I speak to my father perhaps once a year; he's a good conversationalist, especially when drunk, but that's about it. I spent my childhood alone in a large house. The other kids picked on me a bit for my excentricities (is that with "xc" or "cc"? Can never remember), but since I was generally much smarter than they, I normally had something much wittier to say about them, and onloolkers generally laughed more at my responses to their mild bullying than at the bullying itself, and in this way I avoided any actual hardship. It did, however, ensure that I would have a propensity to dislike people. Guilty until proven innocent.

I've, embarrassingly, been in love a couple of times. Ignoring for the moment the question, how to define love, I believe I'm right now in love for the second time. He's straight, just like the last one, but we have a good time. I know that even were he, in a moment of weakness, to make a pass at me, which I occasionally think he might be thinking of doing, I would have to decline. He has a girlfriend, and that momentary pleasure for me would almost surely be a pain for him ultimately. Above all, since it's more than 50% his personality that I find attractive (and in more than a merely friendly way), I want to enjoy that personality in whatever way possible, and would not wish to be the means of harming him. Soppy, I know.

I rigidly separate my sexual fantasies from my romantic ones, never even masturbating to the thought of whatever real men I find worthy of my more ardent feelings. The reason for this is that my sexual thoughts, although based neither on illegal nor on physically impossible acts, are, erm, unorthodox. There's not even good porn for it, so I don't look at porn, and my paraphilias are the only things that get me going; I never think of "vanilla" sex. There are certain regions of my emotional landscape that are rather like primordial forest: no one is allowed to enter them. (Perhaps this joke works better in German.)

So, as a portrait of a character: disdainful of most everyone, frigid, superficially charming (perhaps), capable of love, but rarely able to find a suitable object for it (picky), and when in love, always with someone unable to return it, and always secretly. Overuses semicolons and relativizing words like "perhaps".

If there are any questions here, they'd be: Have any nominally straight men met anyone like this? Would they find a somewhat shy, not exactly effeminate but certainly not macho, overcultured man with what's been described as a "pretty" face and a slender figure at all a worthy reason to question their sexuality? And why can't I simply send my human body back to the manufacturer and become a lichen instead? I'd rather have a bacterium for a heart than an actual heart, and have my only desire be desire for more air.

Redux: gay man, rich, unfeeling family, hates everything except straight men, wants to become a lichen.

Submitted January 18, 2015 at 08:48PM by Hoelderlin27 http://ift.tt/1IX45c1 TotallyStraight