I would like to preface the following by saying that my father's side has a hereditary predisposition for depression and schizophrenia. My grandfather was severely schizophrenic and my father committed suicide. This May will be five years and I have recently made a milestone in my medication journey to cope as well as improve. I have learned so many things based on my personal story and I try to use it as a guidebook to improve my life as well as improve others.
My mother has historically been a business ordered and strict woman who has admittedly set me on the right path in life, sending me to private education in high school and strict speech therapy and the best in technology to improve my deafness lost at nine months. Today I am just as anyone else and I can thank her for that, being a conscientious and reasonable person. However, she has also been a chaotically disordered N which manifests in neatness (manically cleaning when angry) and refusing to apply logic to reason in the face of her mistakes.
Because of the nature of my condition, I block myself out and dissociate during conflicts in a very dull, languid manner as if I am drugged while sober, until it comes to a point that I either lash out or walk away. Sometimes I apply critical commentary depending on the nature of what is going on, though for the most part it ends in a disgustipated standstill with a ringing in the air, and nothing becomes solved. There are no apologies made and we simply move on with our lives.
For this story to have full context I must give full detail: sometimes my mother goes on business trips to deal with other businesses. Before this one, I noticed that my living space was comfortably warm and relaxing to exist in. After she left it became like a refrigerator and I couldn't figure out why, messing with the settings haphazardly setting it to what it should be at, to no improvement.
After sitting around and taking some honest reflection, I realized I didn't have to deal with this. I did some research and found that if the AC is set to Auto, the AC is basically off and the house's air lives autonomously according to outside temperature regardless of what you set it to. I am NOT going to deal with that in winter. I walked upstairs and found that she had set it to 62 after my haphazard experiments (62 is obnoxious and crass regardless of Auto or On).
I then proceeded to write out a long and careful, business-worded text involving accountability with a disclaimer above as well as below with more information, and buzzwords like empathy and mindfulness throughout. I'm done with the bullshit and done with being taken advantage of. She agreed to my terms given the cutting format and I am going to save it for future record keeping. Again, I am done getting my heart sliced in tatters and holding in tears behind my eyes, only to release all the pain months or even years later.
I am 24, Male, I have finally acknowledged my nMom, and I am done with this.
drops mic
Submitted January 25, 2015 at 05:15AM by denvald http://ift.tt/1BYEMY8 raisedbynarcissists
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