She is it. The embodiment of everything I have ever wanted or dreamed of in a girl. I could not have created something so perfect if I tried for a million years. When I am with her I don't care about anything else in the world, all my pain and insecurities melt away into her. I used to think that there could never be anyone who I fit together with so perfectly.
I love her more than anything I have ever known in my life.... and she is fucking my roommate ten feet from my bed. I can hear them talking through the wall right now.
I knew her before him, we had met at the end of last school year. I thought she was super cute and could feel a little tension between us. This year she shows up in my apartment to buy weed from my roommate, we talk some more and I like her alot but I don't ask for her number as she had a boyfriend at the time. I decided to wait for my opportunity to make a move. It comes when she breaks up with her boyfriend and heads to a party me and my roommate had told her about earlier, of course I stayed in to study for a test that night. She goes to the party and finds my roommate there, they hookup and he takes her back to her place.
Next morning they come into the apartment and as soon as she sees me she asks why I wasn't at the party. We are all hanging out and she won't stop looking at me. Every time I turn to look at her our eyes meet, one time I even thought I saw a smile when they locked for a second.
Me being the pussy I am, I contemplate making moves but decide that I can't be a dick to my roommate and again I wait for my chance. I was fairly sure that her and my roommate wouldn't last long either way, as my roommate is a complete asshole, I have called him the worst person I have ever met on several occasions, very seriously. He is extremely selfish in every way, a general dick to be around, all the people who have come to spend extended periods of time with him basically hate him (All roommates from last year and this year). Its not even like he is good looking to make up for it, he has no stlye and is pretty gross (spits and bites nails everywhere). So my roommate texts her and they start hanging out. Alot of the time they hang out in my apartment, and so I see her quite often. As I get to know her better I fall deeper and deeper into love. Everything that comes out of this girl's mouth is perfection, I could not have dreamed of a better girl. We have more in common than I have ever had with another person.
I could talk to her forever, about anything. We have talked about both our anxiety, our trouble sleeping. We have talked about our families and friends and our homes. We talk about music and feeling and life. Other friends have even told me that it seemed like we had a connection when we talk. I really never thought I would be able to connect like that to someone else, if I could have just her mind it wouldn't even matter how she looked I would be happy and content.
What makes it worse is that she doesn't even seem to like him, whenever we are all in a room together he just basically sits on his phone while we talk. Me and her are constantly sharing little moments where we meet eyes and laugh to the context of the situation. Generally they touch each other very minimally, at least when I am there. Whenever we are all in a room we are more invested in each other than they are.
I am hopelessly in love with her, like I have never felt before and it is tearing me apart. Since it all started I have been a complete mess, I can't get more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night, before I would average 8-10. I have no desire for any other girl, I go to a University ranked A for girls and I couldn't give a shit about any of the girls I see on campus. I can't even jack off anymore, which I was pretty damn good at. After a week I even stopped smoking weed, something I had done 3-10+ times a day for a good year and a half straight. I used to wonder how stupid one would have to be to punch a wall, being a pretty non-violent person I never saw the logic. Now my knuckles on both hands are bruised and battered. I have punched walls, tiles, trees, concrete, a microwave, a refrigerator, a desk, a chair, a glass jar, but my go to is my face, it is quieter than an wall or door and if I get a good crack in I stop thinking about everything for a few seconds and enjoy the pain.
Whats crazy is that this is so out of the ordinary for me, I don't consider myself a romantic at all. I was part of the "women are more trouble than they are worth" camp. I thought that basically all the "love" we feel was biologically based in brain chemistry, sex, and the need to reproduce. I don't really think about sex with her though, I fantasize about her reaching out to hold my hand, us talking alone for hours, and her coming to me for comfort when something is wrong. I read Nietzsche and Schopenhauer I thought I was beyond this type of thing but I can't deny how I strongly I feel.
So here i am in my own little slice of hell, my asshole roommate living out my greatest fantasy 10 feet from me. I can't escape them and every time I talk to her I fall further in love. I read her every movement and body language trying to find her affection, some hope, but I am never sure if it is there or imagined. I feel like I am so close, I am sure that there is something special there, I just hope I didn't miss my chance. It is all I can think about now, it consumes my every waking hour and torments my brain. Every touch, laugh, look they share twists the knife deeper, and I have to grit my teeth and bare it.
I don't know what to do anymore, I thought it would get easier as time went by, but it has only gotten harder. I can't control myself anymore, tonight as I was trying to work in my room they turned on music, which means sex. But not only that, she put on one of my favorite songs of all time, a song my roommate had previously called gay when I played it earlier last year. I couldn't deal, it was all too much, it felt like I was the but of some kind of sick joke the universe was playing. I wanted to punch something, to destroy something, to let my energy out somewhere, I grabbed my jacket and sneakers and sprinted out aimlessly into the cold dark rain. I ran, screamed, cried, and ran some more, for about an hour but nothing really helped. Then I came back and started writing this even though I have an exam to study for.
My mind and heart are raging and warring, hoping and doubting. I honestly don't know if I am going to be able to deal with this, it feels like I am being torn apart from the inside. Mind racing between all the possibilities, wondering if I missed my chance, or if I even had a chance at all. Clinging to hope and little signs that may be nothing more than lies my overactive mind. The one thing I promised myself is that eventually I would tell her how I felt about her; I need her to know how I feel at some point.
(Holy wall of text Batman! tldr: Love my roommate's girlfriend and I think we have something real between us but I'm not sure if i missed my chance, or if I ever had one. Really struggling to keep it together and face them every day.)
Submitted November 18, 2014 at 01:09AM by Nostalgic44 http://ift.tt/1wPhf4n offmychest
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