Hey guys! I've had a hell of a year and I have nowhere else to write this, hopefully this belongs here!
A year ago I weighed nearly 400lbs. It was a dark time - and not because I was unhappy with my appearance, but because I was sick. I could barely walk, I had lymphedema in my legs and feet, and it was starting to happen in my arms too. The only joy I could find in life came from food. I was eating through a painful divorce, eating back decades of pain and burying myself in work.
I had accepted that this was my body and my size, and was fine with that (I have always been a fabulous shopper, after all!). What I hadn't accepted was responsibility for myself. I had accepted my exterior, but I wasn't mindful of the fact that I needed to provide myself with self-care and the love I needed to grow and stay alive on the inside. One day I realized if I kept punishing myself this way I was going to die an early death. I decided to make big changes in my life, changes that were right for me. Changes that in my opinion were only valid for my situation, personal and private ones that I didn't foist on other people in my life because my problems were my problems, not their problems.
I started getting healthier, feeling better. Today I weigh 304, but that's just a number. My legs swell far less, I haven't had to take an antacid in 3 months now. I can move a lot easier and I feel like I'm getting a handle on a lot of things, a lot of bad behaviors that consumed years of my life. I'm taking responsibility for my health. I still treat myself a few times a week, but I am mindful and responsible for my body. It's what I needed to do to get well, to recover from my emotional overeating and feel better. Again, I didn't take the dickbag route of posting constant pictures on facebook. I kept it under my hat because I didn't want to be that friend.
This was met with hostility from some friends and family who said I was "being unhealthy". I've talked to my therapist about this before and we journaled about my eating habits/food thoughts, and everything is on the up and up. I wasn't restricting, I was losing a healthy amount each month, and I wasn't obsessing. This was a huge improvement!
Some friends feel betrayed because I was "the happy fat friend" and made them feel better about their size (which made me happy to know!). But I was still 200lbs+ overweight, nothing had changed. I just wasn't the "fatter/fattest" friend. These same friends took to attacking what I had in my refrigerator, or what I was buying at the store "lol! "Livesmart" food? It's vegetables that you steam in tiny bags! Is that a single portion?! You're getting ripped off! You're so stupid!"
I know they were concerned, but I also know they were angry. Me rejecting the old stuff felt like me rejecting them (not a guess or projection, this was verbalized by said friends on numerous occasions). And they lashed out and yelled at me about it. They called me uppity, flaca, skinny bitch (I was 350lbs at this point!) and they would drop by with fast food or treats (I had a friend do this EVERYDAY for a week even though I asked her not to do so, she became so enraged that I wouldn't that we're actually no longer friends). They were worried, but they were also angry.
It's good to be concerned for your friends, it really is. If your friend isn't going at weight loss from the right angle, if they're staring at thinspo/fitspo blogs and only eating 1000 calories a day, it's GOOD to be concerned. But it's also important to remember that there may be reasons that have little to nothing to do with how they look.
You may not know all that your friend is going through. Your friend may have an eating disorder and has started a recovery program. Your friend may have psychological issues and is beginning to tackle them. Your friend may be taking charge of her/his health and really need your support to help them get to a better place for them in their lives. Your friend changing their body does not mean that they are changing their relationship with you. They will always love you, because you are a wonderful person. But Healthy at Every Size means every size, both big and small.
I've had people tell me about HAES and about how people can be healthy at 400lbs. I believe that some people CAN and ARE healthy at 400lbs, but this was not the case for me. I was really sick and sad. I weigh 304lbs and I feel positive about my body! For me, for now, this is a good place to be. Right now I'm healthier than I've been in a decade. I'm more active, I make better choices. Weight is not a factor. Me feeling physically and emotionally better is.
Being body/shape/fat positive means accepting who you are right now, that this is your reality, that you are lovable and worthy because you are more than your body, your pant size, or a number on the scale. If you feel like you need to make a change to be physically/emotionally healthier on the inside or the outside, you have that right. If you feel like you are exactly where you are meant to be, you stay right there because that's where you belong, honey. But body/shape/fat positive mindsets are an individual thing - they are applied to us only. We cannot judge, shame, point out, laugh at or humiliate another because of their body. You don't know what she/he has gone through to get there in their lives. You also can't look to another to define your body positive or body negative image either. It's not healthy.
The world would be a much better place if we (both big and small, smooth and lumpy, tall and short) started minding our own business and our own bodies. What do you guys think?
Submitted October 27, 2014 at 04:12AM by terpin http://ift.tt/1DQNRR1 BodyAcceptance
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