A lot of posts go ignored around here, hoping for help in finding help. depression

I have been depressed for a long time, I can't remember not being depressed. Some months are better than others. I have realistically been sober for around 8 months, though I do not admit to anyone that my sobriety date is not actually last year. I drank with an ex, and realized how much worse it could be. I get into modes where I am doing productive things that I love, political work, working with people in need, and I am happy during those days, but go home and collapse into a heap of crying shit. Eventually, the things that have made me happy have become sources of distress and overwhelm me, and I slack off and do them all poorly. My apartment is a mess. I cut all of my hair off on Monday, the hair is still on my kitchen floor. I have leftovers that are 2 months old in my refrigerator. I haven't done laundry in a few months. My grades are Cs. I've been getting Cs for several years now at college and lying to my parents about it. Cs are not failures, but that is as low as it gets before I just get absolutely killed by the people who pay my tuition. I'm slipping in attendance. I've ignored my therapist's calls for several weeks. I am not taking care of myself, and I no longer have the energy to. I feel like a lazy piece of shit for doing absolutely nothing to help myself, but I just don't care enough to bother.

I only talk to my parents when I'm doing well, because when I'm doing poorly it kills them. They are distraught. They get angry with me because they can't help me, and I can't help myself. The last time I let myself go, and got honest with my family, I spent another year blaming myself for their pain and refused to allow them to see that side of me anymore. They have both spent time in mental hospitals and know what this is like, but I feel like I've been putting them through this stress for so long, I have avoided telling them that I am still not doing well. It's been so long feeling like this, I no longer know how to stop lying, stop pretending, and be forthcoming about the fact that I think about dying, or sleeping forever, all the time. I am miserable, I see no future for myself, and I'm scared. My family are the only ones who can help me, financially and otherwise, find professional help, but I can't figure out how the fuck to be honest. Please help me.

Submitted October 17, 2014 at 08:41AM by gotmelookinsocrazy http://ift.tt/1vClLro depression