I have been suffering from anxiety/depression(?) in silence for the last four years. I'm a senior in college and I feel as though my mind has always been dancing on the edge of insanity. I work hard, so very hard, in order to keep straight A's and I fear that this obsession with getting good grades has ruined me mentally. This semester was the first time that I hit a wall with a course [French 101]. For the first time in my college career, I fucked up on a quiz... royally fucked up. Today, four days after the quiz, I had a panic attack in public that I couldn't hide. I broke down at 7am and was unable to gather myself up for my morning class. This feeling, however, isn't new.
For the last four years I have been stuck in my head. When I have "down-time" I start to think, and when I start to think about something not related to work or school, I panic. My solution for the last three years was to work full time and attend college for 21 credits every semester. It was hell, but at least I didn't have to think about myself and my life.
The worst time of day is the night. If I try to go to bed without being completely exhausted my mind wanders ceaselessly. It's as if my head is plugging into my pillow and turning on just to remind me of every small little detail, every mistake that I made since the last time I plugged in. I start to think about my life and how I'm a failure in my own eyes, that I'm not doing enough. I start to think about my chronic migraines and why they are getting worse and showing new symptoms, and that leads me to think that I have some disease that's going unchecked but now I'm too scared to go to the doctor. I think about my fuckups at university and high school. I think about the wall beside me and how we're not too different. We both exist as support structures for something/someone else but in the end that's all we are... support. We cannot function or sustain ourselves on our own, so we let others lean on us to give ourselves some meaning.
I just want my brain to stop thinking so much. 24/7, my mind is racing with a sound that I try to block out, but I can't anymore. I hear it in the high frequency of the t.v. while on mute, I hear it in the hum of the refrigerator, and recently I've started to hear it in the voices of my friends. It's the sound of loneliness and anguish, and it's getting louder every day.
The worst part is that everyone thinks that my life is fucking perfect. Family, friends, professors, etc. all think that I have my shit together, but in reality I'm splitting at the seams. How can I tell these people that I'm not okay? How can I look into the eyes of everyone that looks to me for support and say that I'm broken too? I help, not because I'm strong, but because I know what it feels like to be like this and nobody, nobody should ever feel like this.
I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that at this rate I'm going to lose myself. The sound is becoming too deafening for me to hear much else anymore.
Submitted September 23, 2014 at 06:00PM by ireallywonderif http://ift.tt/1mIKVBQ Anxiety
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