Crossposted from r/relationships because they locked my post and I’m not sure why.
I posted last night but people attacked me. I think that was because I made it more about the money than my feelings, so I will try again.
X and I were roommates, along with my boyfriend and her fiancé. All three of the others had always lived in the same state, whereas I lived on the other side of the country before moving in with them. It took a lot of persuasion from them all for me to move. I was terrified it wasn’t going to work out and it was a bad idea. I ended up taking the risk because I felt bad for X living with awful roommates and because it looked like the best option I had.
I had saved up for the first few months of rent for me and my boyfriend but ended up having to spend it on a security deposit, which I was not prepared to do. Neither X nor her fiancé offered to help me with it or put their foot down so I wouldn’t have to pay it, even though they had more savings than me at the time. X later apologized and said she thought I had more savings than I had (which she wasn’t wrong about, but I spent it on car insurance) but her fiancé NEVER apologized and stuck to saying it was my responsibility to pay.
Now once I moved in, X and I got very close very fast. Looking back it should have been a warning sign how much she meant to me so quickly. We had every interest in common, we had very similar childhoods, we thought the same way, spoke the same way, believed all the same things and liked to do all the same things. Before long I was calling her my best friend and planning our lives together. We were both saying how we wished we had grown up together so we wouldn’t have been so lonely. Things like that.
Her fiancé and I did not get along so well. My boyfriend and I both really tried to befriend him. We knew from X that he was an introvert so we told him to tell us if he ever needed time alone. We also told him to let us know if we were being too messy. He never made even the slightest effort to communicate with us. He just completely ignored us whenever X wasn’t around, and then we would find out from her that he didn’t think we were being clean enough. We felt like we had to walk on eggshells around him and devote all our time to cleaning so it would be up to his standards.
We also noticed him acting very controlling towards X. He would get jealous whenever she spent time with us or other friends, and he would ask her a million questions about how she spend her day and what was in her food. He would make her wash dishes when she didn’t want to and point out when her cleaning wasn’t up to his standards. Things like that. Because of this, we held an intervention for her and told her that she was being abused, but she refused to believe us and only defended him. There were a couple of other fights between us and him over cleanliness where she would take his side despite even telling us she didn’t really care either way.
I was miserable every day I lived there, mostly because of X’s fiancé. I felt like I couldn’t be free to live in my own home. I also had a lot of financial troubles because my boyfriend didn’t have a job and mine didn’t pay enough to cover all the expenses. X had to pay our rent more than once and we still could barely get by. I felt really insecure in my living space, but I also couldn’t leave because I had moved across the country and my mother would not take me back. It got to the point where I attempted suicide more than once.
Then X announced she was moving out. She said she couldn’t afford to keep paying rent for us, which would have been fine if she’d left it at that. But she accused us of taking advantage of her and using her for her money. She said she was tired of being our mother and we were putting her in a bad position. Then when I pointed out that my boyfriend had just gotten a job, she said that she wasn’t giving us anoth r chance because we couldn’t get along with her fiancé.
We did not have enough money to live without her, and we told her so, so she gave us money for a security deposit. We did not ask her for this! I even tried to give it back and she wouldn’t let me! It also didn’t cover the cost of rent in an apartment with just us, and when we told her that she convinced us to let her pay $300 to us per month in exchange for us letting her live with us if her fiancé did turn out to be abusive. We turned this down a lot at first and only agreed because we wanted to help her.
Over the next two months before moving, she changed. She got a lot more defensive of her fiancé and started saying passive aggressive things about how I “hate him”. She stopped ever spending time with me and started doing things with him that we used to do together. I tried to make it clear to her that while I was mad at her fiancé, I was not at all mad at her because she was just acting how any abuse victim would act. But she insisted on viewing herself and him almost as the same person, and did the same with me (blamed me for things my boyfriend did and vice versa). At one point her fiancé straight up told us he didn’t like us, and she barely got mad at all, but when my boyfriend said her fiancé had no empathy she got so mad she left the room (important to note that he said this after he told her about my suicide attempt and she just kept saying how hard everything was for her fiancé). She also accused us of a bunch of things which I will list here.
-she accused me of lying more than once, which I never did. She accused us of lying about our finances and about the way her fiancé acted when we weren’t around.
-she accused us of trying to manipulate her away from her fiancé. She cited a natal chart my boyfriend did for her (she thought he was being mean about her fiancé on purpose) and a vision I had about one of her past lives (she accused me of making it up but I didn’t).
-the electric bill was really high and she blamed it on us watching TV and leaving it on at night. She left lights on when she left rooms but somehow the electric bill was all our fault.
-she kept saying we were taking advantage of her and not appreciating what she gave us
-she accused US of not communicating enough with her fiancé which is laughable.
-she accused my boyfriend of putting porn on her computer. He is a sex worker, it was a sex work site and he left it up by accident.
-she accused me of being passive aggressive because I wanted something from her. In reality I was just hurt that she didn’t care about me as much as I thought she did.
-she accused me of yelling at her because her fiancé was going to take the refrigerator out of the apartment. I did yell, but my anger was directed at her fiancé, not her, and I wasn’t as angry as she made me out to be.
She ended up leaving for two weeks right before moving without telling me. I was really hurt by this because she didn’t say goodbye and I didn’t know if I was ever going to see her again. But when I confronted her she said it was nothing against me and she just couldn’t handle being there. For a little while I thought we could still be friends, especially after my boyfriend and I got a new place with friends lined up, but then she got the check for the security deposit in the mail. She said that because I owed her money for all the rent she paid, she was going to keep our share. I said that wasn’t fair because we both paid a deposit and I needed the money to put down a new deposit. She said she already gave me money for a deposit, I told her that I had already spent that money and she FLIPPED OUT.
She accused me again of lying about my finances and of taking advantage of her. She said we only cared about her as long as she was giving us money. That could not be further from the truth as we had both done a lot for her, but when we listed things she said we had selfish motives for all of them. Mt boyfriend unfriended her on Facebook because he was sick of her shit, and she said that proved he didn’t really care about her. Then she turned around and unfriended me even though she had just made a big deal out of it. I’m pretty sure she will not give us our money and I’m really hurt that she doesn’t value my friendship the way I thought she did.
tl;dr I think my friend is abusive. Am I right?
Submitted January 30, 2018 at 05:28AM by g0blynkingg http://ift.tt/2no3Nd1 relationship_advice
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