My current girlfriend is someone I still very much love and care for. What concerns me is not so much the here and the now but the future we have.
My gf is 28, but there are a lot of traits about her that make me feel like she is behind her age. I don’t mind that she still lives with her family since I too live with my parents. However, she does not drive, barely works any hours at her job and is not really interested in saving or investing her money. Some positives though, she does want to go back to school (she only has her associates) and she does want to move out, but her dad makes it hard.
Her dad is borderline abusive. He’s constantly angry, always shouting, berates his family, violently throws objects in order to prove his point during arguments and is responsible for a lot of my gf’s current emotional problems such as her anxiety, eating disorder (oh that’s a big topic for another day) and self-arm but he tells my gf if she lives with him her finances are going to be covered. The dad makes good money (though he is a bit secretive at times where that money comes from) so he is very financially stable. My gf, not so much. He does however take a chunk of her paycheck every month and its prorated so the more she makes, the more he takes out.
Her dad is very hard to get along with and I do not like him very much. There was the idea that if we were to start a family, I could move in and live with her dad which is something I absolutely will not do under no circumstances.
Recently, my gf lost her mother and she has been deeply grieving her loss. I personally have never lost someone close to me yet, so at times I find it difficult to empathize. I feel like anyone who loses their mother at an early age is very tragic.
However, the mom was also borderline abusive. The mother would spend like crazy, coerced her children into giving her money (one time when my gf was in school, my gf handed $900 of her financial aid money to her mom), emotionally abused her children by demanding they spend time with her (her mom and dad were separated, but not formally divorced) and expect to be taken care of. She was formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder but constantly refused her medications, went in and out of the hospital and expected her separated-husband and kids to take care of her medical bills. She was extremely neglectful and before her passing, fled mainland for vacation in Hawaii, expecting her family to take care of the house and bills for her. Her whole house went to shit after she left, and her son had to clean up the whole refrigerator because the mother didn’t pay the electricity bill.
So, I am somewhat disturbed that following her mother’s death, my gf seems to idolize her mother when she really seemed like a twisted, abusive woman.
In any case though, my gf has become depressed following her mother’s death. She has had thoughts about being better off dead, become unmotivated to try to get a better job or work better hours and has become even more reckless with her spending. My gf has always had a problem with spending money. Sure, we aren’t living together but I wonder if that’s a red flag? She has accumulated about $2000 in credit card debt within the last 3 or 4 months.
My gf has also become increasingly agitated and bitter. Sometimes I just can’t stand her. We fight over really dumb things like what costume we are going to wear for Halloween and that fight ended with me trying to prematurely eject out of the conversation and her calling me a “shithead”.
This had to do with her grieving, but my gf does not want to deal with her grief through healthy, productive ways. It sounds like she’s more interested in filling the void by spending extravagantly or venting her frustrations out on me.
I have tried to encourage my gf to go to therapy. Surprisingly, her dad has stated he would be willing to pay for her counseling. Her brother is going to therapy himself. I thought that would normalize the process for her. Instead she states several times that she does not want to do it. It has been almost half a year since her mother passed away. Nevertheless, I don’t feel like my gf is getting better overtime and somedays I feel like her mood has gotten worse.
We both want to have children and of course move out and start a family. I wonder though how realistic that can be? I would want to move out within the next four years, but it seems as though I need to do all the work here. Her dad has a grip on her finances, so I have to be the one to bail her out of the house it seems. Furthermore, when we do get to that point where we move out, can I really expect her to be a responsible mother? Will she finally forgo that reckless spending, be motivated to work more hours and step up to take care of my child? Or will I have to be the sole breadwinner and make enough to hire a caregiver? She doesn’t even drive so how can I expect her to take my kid to school or anywhere else they need to go?
Four years is still a long time though. Maybe she can overcome her grief and depression without therapy in those four years, maybe she can become more motivated to work longer hours and invest her money rather than spend it all in those four years and maybe she can learn how to drive and get a car in those four years. Nevertheless, her dad makes it very hard for her to go anywhere so am I going to have to step in? Or do I need to do all the work for her?
Or is four years too long to wait? She is 28 after all... her clock is ticking. Am I just dragging it out?
So tl;dr: my gf (28) is quite behind on a few things and has recently experienced the loss of a loved one. Is it worth waiting 4 years for her to catch up, especially when her over-controlling, abusive dad presents with all these barriers and challenges that make it hard for her to be independent?
Submitted December 14, 2017 at 12:14AM by isonademnemosyne http://ift.tt/2AjxgZU relationships
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