Nparents and food raisedbynarcissists

My parents made food something to be begged for. I never remember eating breakfast as a kid, at least not one offered by my parents. I sometimes on weekends would pull out a cookbook and make pancakes or French toast (my mother typically slept in past noon and my dad was nowhere to be found). Otherwise, I was forbidden to use the stove or even open the refrigerator without their permission. I did so behind their backs.

My mother said that “only poor kids” eat breakfast at school. I was sometimes able to get to school early and the lunch ladies would take pity on me and give me free breakfast when there was extra despite the fact that I didn’t have a card. My parents insisted that I have a “nutritional” lunch, and not one provided by the school. This often consisted of two pieces of bread with mayonnaise between them, baby carrots, and a juice box. Sometimes, if I was lucky, I would also receive half an apple as dessert. My best friend’s mom started to send my friend to school with an extra lunch for me until my parents found out.

I learned to do without food except in secret. The refrigerator was off limits, but the food in the cupboard (dog food, sugar, flour, Flintstones vitamins, etc.) was easily available. I ate these to excess to quell my hunger pangs. (I avoided the dog food as often as possible as it was disgusting.)

Dinner was a free for all, and I was often sent to bed without dinner for trying to eat before my parents/brothers. My pediatrician told my parents I needed to gain weight and that I was anemic, but nothing ever happened as far as I can tell.

The funny thing is, my two older brothers received adequate lunches. They weren’t GCs (my little bro was; he didn’t show up until I was 6), but they were packed normal lunches: sandwiches with meat and cheese, potato chips, snack cakes for dessert. My GC bro was stuffed with all the food he could desire until he was deemed too fat by the doctor and put on a diet. On the other hand, I feel like a runt. The rest of my family (including the women; men are all over 6’) are 5’9” plus. I am 5’6” and puny. I became bulimic in my late teens. I still stuff my face then feel disgusting afterwards. Also, I am still a tiny runt at just 98 lbs. I wish I was just normal.

Also, sorry for the second rant in two days. I am feeling very fragile right now. I would be interested to hear any similar stories. Like, I can't be alone. And I know my story isn’t the worst. I just need some comradery.

(I also swear this is my last rant for months. Just having a hard time right now.)

Submitted July 09, 2017 at 02:26AM by rbn--throwaway http://ift.tt/2tYBLZN raisedbynarcissists