Freddie, come and sit down. I saved you a seat. All your friends are here, let's enjoy the recital. First of all, I don't have any friends, Mom. And second of all, that man is pure evil. Fred, don't be ridiculous. You're being ridiculous. - He's being ridiculous. - Yes, your mother is right, Fred. - You are being... What was that word again? - Ridiculous. Ridiculous. Now, give me the water gun. First of all, this right here isn't a water gun. It's a Master-Blaster, top-of-the-line in liquid dispersal weaponry. And second of all, you'll get this over my dead, hot body! I'm just worried about your personal safety, Fred. You could get hurt. Jake, I am so sorry. He hasn't been himself since the day he was born. Step away, Mom. - Please. - You're being ridiculous! Am I? Well, this might change your mind. Oh, my gosh! I look like crap. Hey, where's your... Where is... Everybody, stay where you are. The recital is about to begin now. Garlic sauce! Kevin! Give me the water gun, Fred. It's a Master-Blaster. Fine, give me the Master-Blaster or Talia joins the undead. It's over, Fred. You've lost. Now, kick the water gun over to me. It's a Master-Blaster! Fine, Master-Blaster. What is the difference? The difference is, Devlin, that this is a water gun. Gammit. Attaboy, Freddie-boy! Fred, you saved me! - I did. - My son. That's my only son. Sorry. Excellent job, Rebecca. Fantastic. Up next, we have Gulliver Mittens. Back, foul beast! These people will not be your minions! Okay. Figglehorn, will you get out of here, bro? No can do, Kevin. Okay, come on, Freddie, sit down. I saved you a seat here. Calm down, everyone, I'll keep you safe. I'm here to protect you. This garlic sauce will protect you. I am your savior. I'm here to save you guys. It burns! Did you hear that? He said it burns! He's already a vampire! Don't worry, Talia. I'm here to protect you. Fred! Fred, stop it! Please, Hilda, do something! I hope it's not too late, Mom. - Fred, stop it, stop it! I'm sorry, everybody. - I hope it's not too late. - Jake, I'm so sorry. - Mom, he's a vampire! He is not a vampire, and you are going home and I'm taking a bath. So sorry. Sorry. I smell like a used napkin in a pizza parlor. I actually got it at the Chinese place. Actually, I don't care where you got it. What the heck was that all about? - He's a vampire. - He is not a vampire. Says the hypnotized woman. Thank you. They'll see. Hey, Talia. Nice talking to you. She's scared. Yeah. Why would she be scared, Bertha? I don't know, maybe 'cause a crazy person sprayed garlic in her face yesterday. Oh, my gammit, who did that? Watch out, Figglehorn! It's a flying vampire bat! Better protect yourself with garlic! - Get away! - Everyone, stop! Diesel, put that away. - It's just water. - It's still bad. - All of you, get to class. - Yeah, you heard him. Now, Kevin. Fred, wait a minute. You obviously have the wrong impression of me. So, you're not a vampire? Everyone knows there's no such thing as vampires. That didn't answer my question. Listen, I'd like to invite you to dinner at my house tonight. What, so I can join your world? Yes. We need to get to know each other better. Bury the hatchet, if you will. Did you hear that? He wants to bury the hatchet, probably in my head! I'm going into the lion's den. The Devlin lion's den! I'm scared out of my mind! But this is the only chance I have to convince everyone that Devlin, he is dangerous, and I'm bringing a secret weapon with me. This. As you know, I've always been pretty Internet savvy, so what I'm gonna do is I'm going to transmit a live video feed of my dinner at Mr. Devlin's. If he tries anything, and I mean anything, the whole world will see it on the website that devil is of the undead! Devlin. I meant to say Devlin. Devil-n. Devil-n. N-devil. N-devil! Devlin! There's something with the name, I know it. Just got to figure it out. Think. Think, Fred. I got it. If you combine Devil with Kevin, you get Devlin! Hello-ski, Fred. Welcome to my home. Hi. It's a pleasure to be here. You know, I was worried you might not show up, but I'm glad you did. I have a special meal planned that I'm very excited for you to try. It's a food I'm sure you've never eaten before. Sounds good. But there are a few preparations I need to make in the kitchen. Please make yourself at home. There's a letter in your mailbox. Figglehorn? What the heck is this? You know, Fred, tonight is a bit of a celebration. Why is that? We collected over nine gallons of blood at the blood drive. That's double the previous school record. That's a lot of blood. - Yeah. - Diesel, you've got to watch Figglehorn's website right now, man. I'm watching it, it's creeping me out. I'm handling my business in here. What are you gonna do with all that blood? What do you think? Okay, Fred. Time to dig up dinner. - You watching this? - It's so scary. Okay. Come on, I can't wait to sink my teeth into this. Oh, my gammit, he's gonna make me dig up dead bodies and eat them. Dead bodies! Help me. Shouldn't be much further now, Fred. Okay. Fred, there it is. Now, help me get this up. I'm not touching that. Who is in there? Fred, it's Kimchee. I'm gonna go wash my hands. I always wash my hands before I eat. Oh, my gammit, he's killed someone named Kim Chee, and now he expects me to eat her! I don't want to eat a dead body. What am I gonna do? Where am I? I've got to find a way out of here. Maybe that's the way out. No. Don't, Fred. Don't. - No, Fred. - Don't do it. No one ever goes for the door. What are you doing, man? Where am I? I hope that's baloney. What is that? Figglehorn. Figglehorn, turn around. Get out of there, get out of there. Fred? Come on, just don't stand there, what are you doing? There you are. I see you discovered my secret kitchen. Pretty neat, right? - What is this? - This is steak. - Steak? - For bulgogi. Korean barbecue. Fun word, right? Bulgogi. So, are we still eating Kim Chee? We're definitely, definitely eating Kimchee, which is Korean coleslaw. We bury it in the ground to help it ferment. Isn't that weird, eating stuff out of the ground? Well, we eat vegetables, and they come out of the ground, right? I don't eat vegetables. Well, what do you say we go cook this up? And on the way, I will tell you about my traditional headdress. In ancient Korea, people used to wear headdresses. Kevin, did you practice your piano? I am done with piano. What do you mean? The bat was injured, so I nursed it back to health. I tried to let it leave, but it always came back to me. So, Fred, what do you think? You know, it was really good. I knew you'd like it, and I knew it was something you'd never had before. So, why are you so interested in Korean food? Well, it brings back good memories of when I was a kid. My dad was in the army, for a while he was stationed in South Korea, we used to eat it all the time. But when I was 10, my parents got divorced, and I moved back here with my mom. Yeah, I live with my mom, too. I know. Right, you guys are dating. Boyfriend-girlfriend. Yeah. Just kidding. Did you ever miss your dad when you were growing up? A lot. - Yeah, I really miss my dad. - I suppose the good that came out of it is that when we left Korea, that's when I started taking piano lessons. - Really? - It was a gift. Music let me escape. And as an adult, music lets me be accepted. It makes people forget that they think that I'm weird. Yeah, people call me that, too. Wait, is that what you mean when you say, "Join the world with music"? When I play music, I stop being an outsider. And people stop thinking I'm weird, because I walk around with an umbrella in broad daylight to protect my skin. That is sort of weird, no offense. - No, you're right. - Don't take offense to it. I don't. Well, yeah, I think I get it now, the whole "join the world with music" thing. You know, I thought you would, which is why I was hoping that we'd become friends. We are friends. Good. Well, let's toast to it. I can't believe you ate food out of the ground. We all eat food out of the ground, Bertha, it's called vegetables. I don't eat vegetables. Figglehorn, you made it! Man, we thought you were a goner, bro. Yeah, I was so scared. You risked your life to save us. You're a hero, man! A hero! Thanks. - What were they talking about? - I have no idea. What's this? Hi, Fred. Talia, I never got a chance to apologize about the garlic. Yeah, that was weird. But it turns out you were right to warn us about Mr. Devlin. What do you mean? We all saw your video. Kevin says he's a vampire, me and my mom think he's just a weirdo. But now, we know to stay away from him. Wait. You mean the live feed on my website? People actually watched that? Yeah, everybody. But the thing is, none of that's true. It's all wrong! - Now, if everyone sees it, then... - Hey, Figglehorn. What do you want, Kevin? Hey, thanks for letting us know about that weirdo. O-M-G, what's going on here? This is bad! Mr. Devlin! Mr. Devlin, it's me, Fred. I'm here to talk to you about what's happened. I'm really sorry. Mr. Devlin, please. Oh, my gammit! He's gonna make me eat dead bodies. Dead bodies! Help me. Oh, my gammit, I've got to take down my website before it does any more damage. Wowser copter! Is that how many hits are on my website? This is really... Bad, it's bad is what it is. This website is hurting people, it hurt someone. I could have, like, a really good life if I go through with this. I mean, like, the fans will keep building up, the views will rise, I'll give me and my mom the life we deserve. Take it down, it's not a big deal. You could become famous, Fred. Take it down. No, you won't. Take it down. No! Okay, it's down. Well, Fred, Mr. Devlin's leaving, you got what you wanted. This is not what I wanted, Bertha. I mean, yeah, that's what I wanted originally, but then, over time... I was being sarcastic, I know that's not what you wanted. - I really hope it's not too late. - Me too. See you. Hey, Mom. What's all this? Only time I ever had a decent relationship with a man, he treated me with respect and was nice to me, you had to go and tell the whole world that he was evil. No, Mom, you said you'd quit. I'm depressed, Fred. This is what I do when I'm depressed. Where did you even get all this food? I was moonlighting at a bar mitzvah. I'm taking a nap. Guilt is so awful! What am I gonna do? I can't just stand by and let this happen! I've ruined a man's life by falsely accusing him of being a vampire! I've ruined my mom's one chance at true happiness! I wish I could take it back. I mean, I wish it was just me everyone was mad at again! I would trade places with him in a second. Wait a minute. Wait a second. Wait a minute. Wait a second. Trade places with him. - I need your help. - For what? I'm going to convince everyone that I'm a vampire, so they're mad at me and scared of me, and so they focus on me and blame me, so Mr. Devlin can have his life back. Fred, most people don't believe in vampires. I didn't say it was gonna be easy. I'm in. Okay. Here we go. Hey, it's me, sock puppet Fred, let me in. - Quiet, or she'll know we're in here. - I know you're in there. Talia, we're kind of busy right now. - Can I help? - No, I don't think so. We could use her. Okay, we have a lot to do, though, so... I hope we don't need my other sock puppet, though, 'cause I kind of lost myself. Okay, we don't need any sock puppets, Talia. This is serious. Okay, you see, I'm gonna convince everyone that I'm a vampire so people will leave Mr. Devlin alone. But you're the one who convinced us that he's a vampire. Exactly. So, you like Mr. Devlin now? But he's so weird. Yeah, but so am I. Everybody's weird. There are just some people who like to act like they're normal. Exactly. So, you still interested in helping? Sure. Kevin, your father and I are going out. So just make sure your sister is in bed by 9:00. Well, just so you know, Mom, I've raised my babysitting rates to $15 an hour. So... Don't we get the family discount? No, Mom, I only babysit for my family. Oh, my God, you are such a good businessman, I just love that. I am sorry. Okay, remember, she's to be in bed by 9:00. I love you. Are you Fred's girlfriend? I'm a girl and I'm Fred's friend. Did that answer my question? You tell me. - How do I look? - What? How do I look? Lose the Spock ears. - Too much? - Too cheesy. Okay. Talia! Talia! Where are you, you little maggot? Hey, Talia! Talia! Come on, you gotta come inside. If you're not home when Mom gets back, she's taking away my computer! Don't answer him. For a week! Don't worry, I don't talk to him. - He's babysitting tonight and I hate it. - Why? Is he really mean? No, he just makes me judge his fart smells. Come on, the Final Five is tonight. Devlin's got my sister. - Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure, Russell, I wouldn't have called you guys over here. We should call the police. Well, I'm not 100% sure. But you just said you were sure. I know, but the point is, it's my job as her babysitter to protect her. So we've got to get her, all right? I'm still not clear on how sure we are... Look, the vampire is not getting away with this, all right? How much are you getting paid to babysit? What? What does that have to do with anything? Well, you said it was your job, and we're helping you, and if you're getting paid, I think we should... It doesn't matter how much I'm getting paid, okay? The point is, Devlin is going down. Is this the actual Garden Weasel as seen on TV, - or just a cheap imitation? - Why does that matter? If I'm going to attack a vampire, I'd like to think that I'm protected by the quality craftsmanship and durability of the original Garden Weasel. Let's go. Thank you. Okay, Bertha, call the police and tell them you've seen a vampire flying over this house. Have you thought this through? I know you have my sister in there, you vampire! Hey, Devlin, we're not leaving here until you let her go, man. Hey, Devlin! Come on, I know you got my sister in there. - He thinks Devlin's got Talia. - What? Well, I should go tell them where I am. Wait. I've got a better idea. Get the heck out of here! We don't want weirdos like you around here no more. Thanks for the piano lessons! Thanks for the piano lessons? I didn't know how to play the piano, and now I do. But also, get out of our town! Kevin, what's going on here? You have my sister, Talia, in there. I know it! You need to let her go, vampire. Your sister's not in here. And there's no such thing as vampires. Yes, there is! But it's not Devlin. It's him! - You're really heavy. - Sorry. Tonight, Talia is mine! Figglehorn? I've just gotta put her down for a minute. You've got to stop him! - Me? - Yes, you! Take this stake and just drive it into Fred's heart. Why do I have to do it? Why can't we get a grown-up to do it or something? This is your sister, and it's because you and Talia have the same blood. So? Why would that... You have to do it. You're the only one that can do it! Come, my darling, join me tonight in the undead! Dude, your sister's going to be vampire meat. Do something! Stab him. Stab him in the heart. Stop me if you can, but you can't, because my powers are more intense than yours. You've got to do it! Stick this stake in him and drive the stake through his heart! Kill the vampire, save your sister! Wait! Guys, come back! I am vanquished. I killed the vampire! I killed... Figglehorn. Figglehorn? Fred? - We did it! - We did it. It worked! Okay, yeah. Turned out way better than I expected. It helps that my brother is really dumb. - And I'm really smart. - I know, you were so good. - And you had some help. - Right. Talia, you were a great help. - What? - Easy, I'm injured here, okay? U- G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly Yeah, yeah, you ugly Well, I did it! A complete success. Everyone's gonna be talking about me now, about how scary I was! I've saved Mr. Devlin's career, and now, I can sleep the sleep of the just. - I'm proud of you, Son. - Thank you, Dad. Your hand's cold. You know what they say, cold hands, warm heart. I thought it was just because you live in a refrigerator. It's really more of an office. Can I get you some steak sauce for that? - Nice one, Dad. - Good night, Son. Good night, Dad. Hello-ski, Mr. Devlin. Hello-ski, Fred. So, do you want me to help you take down this sign then? No, I'm afraid not, Fred. The sign is staying, it is I who am leaving. What? I mean, don't you have your job back? - Didn't they unfire you? - I didn't get fired, Fred, I quit. I decided that it's time for me to move on. I don't want to live in a place where I have toforce people to accept me for who I am. Nobody wants that, Fred. I have the freedom to leave, and I appreciate that. But you tried to correct your mistake, and in my book, that's the sign of a true friend. - I'm going to miss you, Mr. Devlin. - I'm going to miss you, too, Fred. It's sad that he's leaving. Yeah, I know. It really bums me out. Maybe she'll cheer you up. Nah! I don't really think there's a future there. - No? - No. I mean, I need a woman who's going to challenge me a little more. You know, there's really only one upside to this whole thing. - What's that? - This. My bad! Figglehorn! Mommy! Freddie, I'm going out with Jake for a little good-bye snack. Are you sad he's leaving? A little, but it never would have worked out. He's too nice. I couldn't keep up the charade much longer that I was nice, too. Mom, you're nice. You're sweet. - Hello-ski. - Hello-ski yourself! You two be careful. Don't stay out too late. What? You're afraid we're gonna run into vampires? I want to suck your blood. Very funny. I've been working on being more humorous. - Well, I better get my jacket. - Okay. - It's getting a little chill-ski. - Maybe it'll snow-ski. You're so fun-ski. Here, let me get the door.
Submitted December 11, 2016 at 12:48PM by TheAtheistRaptor http://ift.tt/2hrgwdK copypasta
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